It was 7:45. Tama had been sitting in the very back row of his Research Methods class for fifteen minutes.
He had come early today. Not because he was diligent. Not because he wanted to study. He had come early so he could choose the corner seat, the one farthest from the door, so he would not have to look at Ayla when she came in, so no one would see the two of them together.
That was the plan.
The classroom door opened.
Ayla walked in. Her cream pashmina scarf was slightly disheveled from the wind. She carried one notebook and a bottle of water. She looked around the classroom. She saw Tama in the back corner.
And she walked straight over there.
The entire class stopped talking at once.
Radit, who was opening a package of bread, forgot to chew. Nathan, who was typing a chat, stopped in the middle of a sentence. Rifqi simply closed his eyes and let out a very long sigh, as if he had just watched someone step off the roof of a building.
Ayla pulled out the chair next to Tama. And sat down.
She did not ask. She did not say excuse me. She just sat.
"Are you crazy?" Tama whispered so quietly he barely made a sound, without turning to look at her.
"Why?"
"Everyone's looking."
"I know."
"Last night I told you to stay away. Tomorrow everyone will talk. Raihan will find out."
Ayla opened her notebook. She turned the pages slowly. "I don't want to stay away."
"You don't understand. Tomorrow the group chat will be full of pictures of us. Everyone will say you're cheating. Everyone will hate you."
"Let them."
Tama finally turned to look at her. Ayla did not look back. She only stared at the still-empty whiteboard, though her eyes were not seeing anything.
"You don't know what you're doing," Tama said.
"I know."
"You have a boyfriend."
"I know."
"You have a boyfriend."
"I know."
"He called you over and over last night."
Ayla fell silent. Her fingers stopped above the paper.
"You know?"
"I stood under the mango tree in front of your boarding house for twenty minutes. I watched your phone screen keep lighting up behind the curtain. On. Off. On again. I didn't have to go inside to know how many times he called."
Ayla slowly turned her head. She looked at Tama. And for the first time, Tama saw that Ayla's eyes were not sad. Not guilty. Just tired. So, so tired.
"Four years," Ayla said, her voice barely above a whisper. "For four years, I always answered within three rings. For four years, I never went to sleep before he said good night. For four years, I always made sure there wasn't a single picture that could make him jealous. For four years, I was the perfect girlfriend."
She paused for a moment.
"And today I want to sit next to you. That's all. Is that really so wrong?"
Tama could not answer.
Nothing about class was normal.
The professor came in. No one paid attention. Everyone quietly kept looking toward the back row. Rifqi kept sending messages to their three-person group chat: WHAT IS HAPPENING THIS GIRL IS ACTUALLY INSANE TAMA ANSWER CAN WE ESCAPE THROUGH THE WINDOW TAMA SAY SOMETHING
Tama did not reply to a single message.
He just sat there. He could smell Ayla's shampoo. He could see the tip of Ayla's finger as she lightly bit her nail whenever she was confused. He could feel the warmth of Ayla's arm, only a centimeter from his. For a year and a half, he had tried to stay as far away as possible. For a year and a half, he had tried to erase all these feelings. And now she was sitting right beside him, and the whole world could fall apart and he would not care.
When break came, everyone left the classroom. Only three of them remained: Rifqi, Radit, and Tama.
Rifqi kicked the leg of Tama's desk.
"Explain."
Tama shrugged. "There's nothing to explain."
"Last night you said you would keep your distance. You said you wouldn't interfere. You said you would be a good person."
"I tried."
"And?"
Tama looked toward the hallway. Ayla was standing in front of the water dispenser. She was replying to a chat. Tama knew who was on the other end. He knew she was typing an apology she did not feel. He knew she would cry in her room at the boarding house tonight and feel like the worst person in the world.
And Tama also knew she would come again tomorrow. And she would sit beside him again.
"We've crossed the line," Tama said at last. His voice was hollow. "Last night. When she told me I didn't have to forget. There hasn't been any going back since then."
Radit scratched his head. "What do you actually want?"
Tama was silent. He watched Ayla put her bottle of water into her bag. He watched her smooth down a few strands of hair that had slipped out from under her pashmina. He watched her give a small smile to her friend, a smile that never reached her eyes.
"I don't know," Tama said. "What I do know is that last night was the first time in a year and a half that I didn't fall asleep trying to forget her. And today she sat beside me. And for a moment, everything felt so right."
Rifqi sighed. He took out a packet of candy and tossed it onto Tama's desk.
"All right. Then I guess we're all going down together."
He stood up. Radit stood too.
"But remember," Rifqi said before leaving. "If this ends badly. If you fall apart. If she falls apart. Don't ever say we didn't warn you."
Tama did not answer.
He just sat there. In the classroom as it began to grow noisy again. In the middle of all the eyes watching. In the middle of all the rumors that were about to spread. In the middle of all the mistakes they would make.
And when Ayla walked back into the classroom, glanced at him for a moment, and gave him a tiny smile that only he could see, Tama knew.
He would not regret anything.
Even when everything fell apart.