The decision to kill her own feelings turned out to be nothing like flipping off a light switch. The pain didn’t disappear right away. Instead, it slowly transformed into a lingering tightness in Claire’s chest.
The following days at school passed like a slow-moving torture. Seeing Aru and Claudia holding hands in the hallway. Hearing Aru laugh as he talked about her in front of his basketball friends. Seeing the way Aru looked at Claudia with a light in his eyes he had never shown anyone else. Everything was a constant reminder that Claire was merely a spectator in a story she had thought belonged to her.
“I have to be able to kill these feelings,” Claire told herself in the school bathroom mirror during lunch break. “If I can’t get rid of them now, I’ll be the one who falls apart.”
Claire splashed cold water on her face and stared at her tired reflection in the mirror. Starting today, she was drawing a firm line. There would be no more Claire who was always there for Aru every moment of every day. No more Claire whose heart wavered just because of a little attention from her childhood friend.
She stepped out of the bathroom and turned toward the library. Claire had deliberately chosen to spend her lunch break burying herself among stacks of books, far from the noisy cafeteria where Aru and Claudia usually spent time together.
However, just as Claire pulled a Sociology reference book from the shelf, a tall figure suddenly appeared beside her. The scent of a very familiar soap filled her senses.
“So you’re here,” Aru whispered, remembering the library rule against loud voices. “I looked for you in the cafeteria and the Student Council office, but you weren’t there.”
Claire kept her eyes on the rows of books in front of her, trying to control her heartbeat so it wouldn’t start racing as usual. “I need some material for Coach Broto’s assignment.”
“But you haven’t had lunch, have you?” Aru reached into his jacket pocket, pulled out a packaged chocolate bun, and held it out to Claire.
“Here. I bought it in the cafeteria earlier. You always forget to eat when you get glued to a book.”
Claire stared at the chocolate bun for a moment. In the past, a simple gesture like this would have sent her heart soaring, and she would have interpreted it as a sweet sign of caring. But now she knew exactly that Aru did this purely out of habit, after years of being her friend—not because he had any special feelings for her.
“Thanks, Aru. But I’m still full,” Claire declined as gently as she could without touching the bun. “I had a big breakfast at home this morning.”
Aru turned his gaze toward Claire’s face and raised one eyebrow in confusion. “Seriously? Usually your stomach is growling by this time. Besides, this is your favorite flavor, Claire.”
“I just don’t feel like it,” Claire replied curtly, turning around and walking toward an empty reading table in the corner of the room.
Aru followed her, then sat in the chair directly across from her. “Claire, you’ve been kind of weird lately. You’re hardly ever around, and when I try to talk to you, you barely say anything. Are you having a problem with the Student Council kids?”
“No,” Claire answered without looking up from the book she had opened. “I’m just focused on preparing for the final exams. Falling even a little behind can make my grades tank.”
Aru studied Claire’s expression, which looked so calm and untouchable. An odd sensation stirred in his mind—a strange feeling that the distance between them, something that had never existed before, was slowly beginning to rise. But because he couldn’t find any reasonable explanation, Aru pushed the thought away. He assumed Claire was simply exhausted from her schoolwork.
“Okay, then, but don’t push yourself too hard,” Aru said, his voice softening. “We’re still studying together tonight, right? I brought the History book you asked for yesterday.”
“I can’t tonight, Aru,” Claire cut in quickly, finally looking up and meeting Aru’s dark brown eyes.
Aru was stunned. “Huh? Why not? We promised we’d study together every Thursday night.”
“I have plans with Nana,” Claire lied again. “We’re going to discuss our History project group separately. You can study on your own tonight, or… you could ask Claudia to tutor you.”
The name Claudia, spoken so casually by Claire, made Aru fall silent for a moment. He scratched the back of his neck even though it didn’t itch, feeling a little awkward.
“Claudia doesn’t really like History, Claire,” Aru admitted honestly. “Besides, I’m used to studying with you. You explain things in a way that’s much easier for me to understand.”
The pain pinched Claire in the pit of her stomach again. You only need me when you need help, Aru, her bitter thoughts whispered. But Claire held them back with all her strength, painting a faint smile across her lips.
“Studying with your own girlfriend has to be more fun, Aru. You should try it sometime,” Claire said calmly, her voice and intonation so carefully controlled that it was as if those words didn’t hurt her at all.
“I have to get back to class now. There’s a form I need my homeroom teacher to sign.”
Claire gathered her books, rose from her chair, and walked away, leaving Aru still frozen at the table.
Aru watched Claire’s back as she slowly moved away and disappeared behind the library’s glass doors. An uneasy feeling settled in his chest—the strange discomfort of seeing Claire act so distant toward him now. But the vibration in his pants pocket interrupted his train of thought.
A message from Claudia came in:
[Aru, can you take me to the salon this afternoon? After basketball practice.]
Aru’s smile bloomed again when he saw Claudia’s name on his screen. His strange feelings about Claire’s change in attitude were instantly worn away, replaced by the fresh excitement of being someone’s boyfriend. He quickly replied to Claudia’s message, completely unaware that outside in the hallway, Claire was leaning against the cold wall with her eyes squeezed shut, holding back a breath that felt painfully tight.
Claire had managed to take one step back today. She had succeeded in rejecting Aru’s attention, avoiding their conversations, and pushing him to spend more time with Claudia.
But as she walked alone down the increasingly empty school hallway, Claire realized one unbearably bitter truth. Turning off her feelings didn’t make the pain any smaller. It only taught her how to bleed without having to scream.
To be continued…