Chapter 1 — The Man Who Looked Away
Ayu didn't first become aware of Raka when they met. Nor was it when, several years earlier, she'd sent him a professional message offering him a Backend Developer position at the company where she worked. Even when Raka's name finally appeared as that of one of the new employees, Ayu didn't immediately connect it to the man she now saw walking through the office hallway almost every day.
Come to think of it, maybe that was exactly what made everything feel a little funny. Someone could exist within the circle of our lives for years without us truly noticing them, until one day a small habit made their presence suddenly too obvious to ignore.
The habit was simple. Raka always lowered his head whenever they passed each other.
At first, Ayu thought nothing of it. At the office, people came and went every day with business of their own. Ayu wasn't the type to spend time thinking about how someone walked or where their gaze went as they passed her. Her job as a recruiter already took up plenty of her attention; there were candidates to contact, interview schedules to arrange, hiring managers suddenly asking for more candidates, and Backend Developer positions that, for some reason, never seemed to disappear from her staffing needs list after she joined the company.
So when she first noticed Raka lowering his head, Ayu simply assumed it was the habit of someone who didn't really like making eye contact.
Maybe he was shy. Maybe he was like that with everyone. Maybe Ayu was just overthinking.
At least, that was what she told herself. Until a few weeks later, when the same thing happened again.
They passed each other near the elevator one afternoon, when most people were already starting to get ready to head home. Ayu had just finished one last task and could already picture the bus seat she'd get if she was lucky. Leaving even half an hour late was sometimes enough to make her trip home feel twice as long.
Coming from the opposite direction, Raka walked by carrying a laptop and several documents, still dressed in his usual neat office clothes. Ayu caught a glimpse of his face before the distance between them closed. Only for a fraction of a second.
Their eyes met. Then Raka lowered his head again. This time, Ayu stopped treating it as a coincidence.
Not openly, of course. She kept walking as though nothing had happened. But after a few steps, her mind started working on its own.
Why does he do that?
She didn't turn around. At least, she tried not to.
But curiosity had an annoying way of making people do things they didn't really want to admit to. A few seconds later, Ayu finally glanced back with a small movement she hoped no one noticed.
Raka had already walked quite a distance. For some reason, Ayu felt a little disappointed. She didn't even know why.
If someone asked when, exactly, Ayu had started paying attention to Raka, she might have trouble giving them a definite date. It could have been a few months earlier, when the hybrid work system began turning faces that had previously existed only on laptop screens into a real part of her everyday life.
Or maybe it had been much earlier than that. About four years ago, when she first contacted a man named Raka to offer him a position at the company where she worked.
Their conversation at the time had been very brief and contained absolutely nothing worth remembering. Raka replied that he was considering a career switch into IT Quality Assurance, and then their conversation ended like the thousands of conversations Ayu had had as a recruiter with other candidates. The name then disappeared from her mind.
A few months later, one of her friends, Rahma, somehow managed to convince Raka to join their company as a Backend Developer.
Funny thing was, Ayu didn't even know right away because most of her first few years at the company had been spent under a work system that was mostly done from home. The name Raka, as an employee, had never really come with a face in her memory. She knew there was a Raka. She knew someone with that name worked as a developer. But a name was just a name when there was no chance to see the person directly.
Only after the office began implementing the hybrid work system more often did Ayu start recognizing the face that had, until then, been just one name among many. And even after she recognized his face, Raka still wasn't anyone to Ayu.
Just a developer. Just a coworker from another division. Just a man who happened to be at the same bus stop as her a few times. At least, that's how it was supposed to be.
Ayu was the type of person who always left right on the dot.
Not because she didn't like working. She just knew when to stop. After five in the afternoon, most of her thoughts had usually shifted from her laptop screen to the other things waiting outside the office building. There were so many matters to think about after work, so many little things that never made it onto the office calendar but were still part of everyday life.
If there was truly urgent work, of course she'd finish it. But if there was no reason to stay longer, Ayu would be one of the first people to close her laptop and leave the building.
Raka was different.
Back then, Ayu almost always saw him head home early. Sometimes, before she'd even finished straightening up her desk, Raka was already nowhere to be seen in the office.
Lately, she didn't know since when, that habit had changed. Raka had started going home later more often, especially after getting a promotion and taking on more responsibility at work.
Ayu didn't know much about his job. She'd never asked. She only started noticing that the man was more and more often at the office until late afternoon, edging into evening.
And without realizing it, Ayu started paying attention to the time. Not waiting. Of course not. She was just... paying attention.
That day, as usual, Ayu left the office as soon as she finished her work. The sky had already begun to darken by the time she reached the bus stop. Jakarta's evening air was humid and a little heavy, mixed with the sound of vehicles that never truly stopped. People stood packed together around the bus stop, some busy with their phones, some talking to friends, and others simply staring at the road with tired faces that all looked nearly the same.
Ayu stood slightly to the side while checking the bus schedule on her phone. Then someone stood not far from her. Ayu didn't need to turn all the way around to know who it was.
Somehow, after a few months of accidentally paying attention to him, Ayu had started recognizing the way Raka stood. Tall, fairly straight-backed, lean, with clothes that almost always looked neat without seeming like he was trying too hard. There was something about the way he carried himself that made him easy to recognize even from a distance.
And, Ayu had to admit, his face was pretty nice too. The thought appeared out of nowhere. Ayu immediately frowned.
What the hell?
She looked back at her phone screen. Their buses took different routes. That much was clear. They were only waiting in the same place by coincidence. Nothing more.
Ayu was pretending to be busy reading something when someone walked past her. She lifted her face. Raka. Their eyes met. And as usual, Raka lowered his head.
This time, Ayu almost smiled. Not because it was funny. Nor because she felt flattered. More because the habit had started to feel too consistent to be called a coincidence. A question appeared in her head out of nowhere.
Why does he only do it with me?
Ayu didn't know the answer. And for the time being, she had no intention of finding out. At least, that's what she thought.
That night, when Ayu got home, the evening went like any other. She set down her bag, changed clothes, washed her face, and went through a routine so familiar it required very little thought.
Yet for some reason, in between all the activities that usually managed to fill her head, Raka's face appeared again.
Not his smile. Not his voice. Not even a conversation they'd never really had. Just one small movement. His head lowering every time they passed each other.
Ayu stood in front of the mirror, wiping away the last of her makeup from the corner of her eye. She watched her own reflection for a moment before finally letting out a sigh.
“Why do you do that, Rak?”
She didn't even realize she'd said the name out loud. Ayu gave a small shake of her head, as if that could make her thoughts stop too. It should have been that simple.
Tomorrow morning, she'd go back to the office. She'd handle candidates, answer messages, attend meetings, and get through her work as usual. Raka would be one of the many faces she encountered amid the busyness of everyday life. Nothing more.
Ayu didn't know yet that curiosity rarely came with a warning. She also didn't know that someone could begin taking up a small space in our heads without ever truly being invited in.
All Ayu knew that night was one thing. She had started paying attention to someone she shouldn't have needed to notice at all.