6:15 a.m. Western Indonesian Time.
The sun had just begun to light up Luna's small room.
She stood in front of the mirror, adjusting her hijab. Her face still looked a little tired, but she tried to smile.
A new day.
A new job.
And all the things left unfinished from the day before.
Luna picked up her bag, making sure her wallet and phone were inside.
Before leaving the room, her eyes happened to land on a small box atop the wardrobe.
The box had been there for a long time.
Luna picked it up.
She opened it slowly.
Inside were several bills she had set aside little by little.
Her savings.
There wasn't much.
But every rupiah inside had been collected through great effort.
Luna counted it.
Once.
Twice.
Then she gave a faint smile.
“Just a little more.”
She put the money back.
The truth was, Luna had been saving for something she had wanted for a long time.
Something simple.
Not a house.
Not a car.
Not anything expensive.
She just wanted to go away for a few days.
Enjoy a different kind of air.
Sleep without thinking about work.
Eat without counting how much money she had left.
Maybe, just once in a while...
she wanted to know what it felt like to be someone who didn't have to think about other people's needs first.
But she always kept that desire to herself.
Later.
That was the word Luna said to herself most often.
Later, when she had enough.
Later, when the household expenses were taken care of.
Later, when her savings had grown.
Later, when things were better.
Always later.
8:20 a.m. Western Indonesian Time.
Luna was already at work.
The day went as usual.
Work came in one task after another.
She completed everything carefully.
She didn't complain much.
She didn't ask for much help.
Whenever someone needed assistance, Luna was almost always the first person to lend a hand.
“Lun, can you help me for a minute?”
“Sure.”
“Luna, can you take care of this?”
“Yeah.”
“Luna, do you have a minute?”
“Just a second. I'll do it.”
She was used to saying yes.
Even when her body actually wanted to say no.
It wasn't because she didn't know her own limits.
Luna just couldn't bear to see other people struggling.
She didn't know when that habit had taken root.
Maybe it was because, ever since she was little, she had been used to paying attention to other people's circumstances.
Or maybe it was because she knew exactly what it felt like to need help and have no one come.
When lunchtime arrived, her phone chimed.
A message from one of her friends.
Friend: Lun, we're still going this weekend, right?
Luna read the message with a smile.
A few days earlier, her friend had invited her to go somewhere.
Not far.
Just a short trip.
They had been planning it for a long time.
Luna really wanted to go.
A few nights earlier, she had even imagined the place they would visit.
Imagined sitting back and relaxing.
Eating something delicious.
Taking pictures.
Laughing without thinking about work.
For a little while, she felt that maybe this time, she was allowed to enjoy life.
Her fingers began to type.
Luna: Of course I'm going.
Before she could send it, another message came in.
From her younger sibling.
Younger Sibling: Sis, what about the money for the school expenses we talked about?
Luna fell silent.
She opened her mobile banking app.
Checked her balance.
Then she reopened her conversation with her friend.
The message she had almost sent was slowly deleted.
It was replaced with another sentence.
Luna: I don't think I can come this time.
The reply came not long after.
Friend: Why? Didn't you say yesterday that you wanted to go?
Luna stared at the screen.
There were so many answers she actually wanted to type.
“I don't have enough money.”
“I have to help my family.”
“My savings aren't enough yet.”
“I really, really want to go.”
But in the end, she only typed:
Luna: I have another expense to take care of first.
Three words.
Another expense.
So easy to say.
So often used.
Even though behind them were so many desires she was putting off all over again.
Luna put her phone in her bag.
She opened the simple lunch she had brought from the boarding house.
She ate slowly.
Alone.
Outside, a few people were joking around.
Some were talking about their weekend plans.
Some were busy choosing a place to eat.
Some were laughing at a simple story.
Luna smiled along when she heard them.
Not because she was sad to see them happy.
She was happy for them.
It was just that...
for some reason, a small part of her wondered,
“When will I get to be like them?”
The question only appeared for a few seconds.
Then she brushed it aside.
“Never mind.”
Luna went back to eating.
She had grown so used to putting off happiness that she had almost forgotten what it felt like to choose something simply because she wanted it for herself.
That afternoon.
Before going home, Luna received another message.
This time, it was from someone who needed help.
It wasn't a large amount.
But it was enough to make her open her savings again.
She stared at the number on the screen for a long time.
Then she drew a breath.
“Bismillah.”
She transferred the money.
Done.
Luna turned off her phone screen.
She felt relieved.
But at the same time, there was an emptiness she couldn't explain.
She opened the mobile banking app again.
Her savings balance had gone down.
Luna stared at it.
Then she gave a small smile.
“Oh well.”
As if she were reassuring herself.
“I can still start over.”
That was Luna.
Every time something she had saved dwindled because she helped someone else, she always told herself she could start over.
She always believed money could be earned again.
Another opportunity would come.
Allah could replace whatever sustenance was lost.
But there was one thing she had never realized:
she needed care, too.
That night, Luna returned to the boarding house.
She opened her bedroom door.
Set down her bag.
Then sat on the edge of the bed.
Her phone was still in her hand.
She reopened her conversation with her friend.
The photos of the trip they were going to take had already been sent.
Luna zoomed in on one of them.
The place looked beautiful.
She smiled.
“That looks like fun.”
A few seconds later, she closed it.
It's okay.
Maybe next time.
Happiness could be put off.
At least, that's what she thought.
Luna stood and began changing her clothes.
But before she could actually leave the room, she stopped in front of the mirror.
For a moment, she looked at herself.
A face that looked fine every day.
A face that always said:
“I can do this.”
“I'm okay.”
“I'm still strong.”
But that night, for the first time, Luna asked herself:
“If I keep going like this, when will I think about myself?”
She fell silent.
She found no answer.
Then her eyes fell on the savings box she had opened that morning.
Luna walked over to it.
Opened it.
Counted the money again.
There really wasn't much.
But every bill had a story.
Some of it was supposed to go toward something she wanted.
Some of it had ended up being given to her family.
Some had been given to other people.
Luna let out a breath.
Then she closed the box.
Slowly.
“O Allah...”
She gave a faint smile.
“May everything I've given become a blessing.”
She didn't ask for everyone to repay her kindness.
Nor did she ask for her life to become easy.
She only hoped...
that someday, she wouldn't have to feel guilty for choosing herself.
Luna picked up her prayer garment.
The night became her time to speak with Allah again.
And like the nights before...
she came carrying everything she couldn't tell anyone.
Including one small desire she had rarely even admitted to herself:
to be happy without feeling guilty.
She lowered her head.
Her tears fell slowly.
Maybe Luna really was strong.
But even someone strong...
still had a heart that sometimes wanted life to hold her.
And that night, Luna didn't yet know...
that somewhere else, someone was also learning to be strong in his own way.
Someone who would soon become part of her life's journey.
But before that meeting could happen...
there was still a wound the reader needed to know.
There was still a man who had become far too good at hiding how tired he was.
Lana.
—To be continued—