“What makes you regret getting married?”
I looked at my three best friends. Of the four of us, I was the only divorcee. The sad part was, I’d earned that title at a pretty young age. I was twenty-three at the time.
“Maybe my expectations for marriage were too high. Nothing that happened in it was anything like what I’d imagined all this time,” I replied, then pulled the glass of sugar-free avocado juice toward me, took a sip, and pushed it away again.
“So what were your expectations, Ta?” asked Raisa—my friend since college.
I shrugged.
“Marriage takes knowledge, Ta. You got married while you were still in college, and you were really unstable back then. I think you just had FOMO because so many influencers were getting married young, and their lives looked peaceful and romantic on social media. Right?” Aesha guessed.
She was my most religious friend. Understandably so—she was the daughter of a kyai and a graduate of an Islamic boarding school, and she’d met me later at college. Almost everything Aesha said was true.
Besides that, Jagad and I felt compatible and didn’t want to keep adding to our list of sins while we were dating. That was why we consciously decided to get married, even though plenty of people opposed us, including Jagad’s parents and my older sister.
“Marriage isn’t as easy as you imagine, Ta. You’ll go through sweet and bitter moments. It’s not just about you and Jagad—there are also your in-laws and siblings-in-law.”
That was what Sis Tari advised me. I thought she’d said it because she didn’t like me getting married before her. As it turned out, what she’d said was true, and it made me regret deciding to marry young.
I was just stubborn by nature.
“Esta!”
I blinked when Liana shook my arm.
“You’re always spacing out. Anyway, you’re not the only one going through a regret phase. Me too,” Liana added.
We turned toward Liana. “Seriously?” Raisa asked, as if she couldn’t believe what Liana had said.
After all, from what we could see, there didn’t seem to be any problems in her marriage. Liana’s husband was a pilot, and all Liana had to do was sit around doing nothing while waiting for his transfers and take care of their one child.
And even that was helped by a nanny. In fact, I thought Liana had the marriage I was most jealous of.
“You know what pilots are like.”
“But not every pilot is like that, Na. There’s no way Bro Faisal is like that, right?” I wasn’t convinced. Bro Faisal had a kind-looking face and didn’t seem like the type of man who played around. That was why I couldn’t really believe his behavior was like that of the bad apples in the aviation industry.
“I found flirty texts between him and a coworker. Hotel reservations. It’s insane.” Liana looked absolutely pissed.
Aesha rubbed her chest and asked God for forgiveness, unlike Raisa and me, who immediately started cursing. Of the four of us, Aesha was the only one who wasn’t married. But apparently, her Dad had already arranged a match for her.
They said she’d already gone through the formal betrothal, but the three of us had no idea who the lucky man was who would get a righteous wife like Aesha. Her marriage would definitely be safe and peaceful.
She was the most patient and the most mature of all of us.
“Hang in there, Na. Sometimes what we see doesn’t match reality,” I said, gently rubbing Liana’s back.
The truth was, nothing in life was perfect except for Aesha’s skin, which was as smooth as a Korean actress’s. They said she often washed her face with ablution water to make it glow. It wasn’t just her face—even Aesha’s life seemed perfectly arranged. She didn’t even have to worry about finding a partner because her Dad had already taken care of it.
Very different from me, who had become a divorcee.
“What about you, Rai? Your marriage is going fine, right?” I asked Raisa.
Raisa lifted her face, then nodded. “Aside from my in-laws, my sibling-in-law, and Edo’s behavior driving me crazy, there’s nothing else,” she answered casually.
“Oh, that’s a lot,” I snapped, making Raisa giggle.
“Just imagine, we often fight over who farts more. We also argue over who’s going to shower first, but we’re both too lazy to move.” Raisa said it so lightly. “And then we fight because I ask him to chase a rat away, but he just starts screaming because he’s even more scared than I am. What an asshole!”
“You two are perfect for each other, seriously. Your marriage sounds so much fun, Rai,” I said, laughing at Raisa’s stories about married life.
It was completely different from the marriage Jagad and I used to have. Quiet and cold. We lived in the same house, but it felt like we were roommates. There was never any sleep-talking or silly chatter like when we were dating.
Everything seemed to sink away as we both got busy with our own activities. On top of that, my mother-in-law was always nagging me to do this and that. No, she wasn’t like the mothers-in-law in novels. She was a good woman, but she often complained about my housework.
“Esta, has this floor been swept? Why is it still dusty?”
“That’s not how you cook it, Ta. Here, like this.”
“Don’t leave those clothes piled up, Ta.”
At the time, I was busy with my thesis and had so many campus activities that I was too overwhelmed to get any housework done. What made it even more irritating was that Jagad had absolutely no intention of helping.
“Mom’s right, Ta. I’m already exhausted from college, and then I go straight to work. Seeing the house like this makes me not want to come home.”
I really couldn’t stand all the demands Jagad made, expecting his wife to be good at everything. I was the youngest child, spoiled by my family, and had never done anything around the house.
When I got married, everything changed. I felt pressured and chose to get divorced almost two years ago. I was so damn tired, I swear! Jagad never once defended me in front of his mother. Even though he clearly knew I was busy too.
Please, marriage really was that terrifying.
I didn’t want to do it a second time. To this day, I’d never met that man again. I hoped I wouldn’t, because I was afraid I’d waver since I still ...
“Ta, do you still love Jagad?” Liana’s question made Aesha and Raisa stare at me curiously.
I said nothing. Love?
I laughed inwardly. Damn it, I still had feelings for him even though we’d been apart for quite a long time. I glanced at my friends’ faces as they waited for my answer.
“No!”
Good job, Esta! You really were a liar.
I stretched both arms after finishing a rather heavy workload. After having lunch with my friends, I went back to the office. I shut down my laptop, then left my cubicle and headed outside.
“Semesta.”
My body tensed. I knew that voice. Back then, he and I used to sing together, even though my voice sounded like a birthing goat. Damn it, I couldn’t stop my heart from pounding.
“Esta? Is that really you?”
I closed my eyes, trying to hold back the tightness in my chest that still lingered to this day.
“Esta, it’s me, Jagad.”