I drank quite a lot that day.
At first, it was beer. I don't really like soju, so I was planning to stick to beer. For some reason, the beer went down especially easily that day.
After a can or two, I started having a little of the soju Taejun was drinking too.
The problem was the combination. I drank beer, then soju, then beer again. At some point, I couldn't even tell how much I'd had.
Still, I was in a good mood.
Even after Taejun and I got home, we drank a little more. We lay side by side on the bed, talking about this and that. We were talking about the junior Taejun liked.
I get more playful when I'm drunk. I start needling people over things I'd normally just let slide. That day was no different.
“Hyung, do you really like her?”
“Yeah.”
I called Taejun hyung. Everyone around him called him “Hey,” so I wanted to speak more respectfully. It was pure contrariness.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“How much?”
“I just do. I like her.”
“You’re no fun.”
This guy was honest in strange ways and gave unusual answers. Hearing things like that was a total mood killer.
I stared at the ceiling for a moment, then rolled onto my side. Suddenly, another thought occurred to me.
“But hyung. You can’t kiss.”
Taejun looked at me.
“Me?”
“Yeah.”
“How do you know that?”
I laughed.
“I don’t, do I...? Why don’t you try, then?”
I still don't know why I said that. I was just drunk and fooling around.
He was silent for a moment. Then he pulled me toward him and lifted me onto his body.
Looking at me, he asked,
“Are you serious?”
I didn't look into his eyes. Instead, I let my body go limp over him.
“You really want me to?”
I answered with a moan that may or may not have been an answer.
By then, my thoughts were already badly muddled. I remembered some of what I'd said, but what we'd been talking about just moments ago was slowly slipping away.
It felt like everything in front of me was moving in slow motion.
I felt Taejun gently cradle the back of my head, and for a moment, our eyes met.
Before my brain could register what was happening, our lips touched.
At first, I was just stunned. It took me a few seconds to understand what was happening.
Our lips touched and parted several times.
Had his tongue slipped between my lips?
Somewhere in there, my hazy head slowly started coming back to me. So this was what it felt like to have someone do all the work. It felt better than I expected.
It wasn't like I was sober yet.
Taejun was more clumsy than I'd expected. He was putting too much force into his tongue. His lips were a little awkward too.
I found that funny.
So I pulled away and snickered.
“You really are bad at this.”
Taejun didn't react much.
He was always like that.
I looked at him once. Then this time, I moved first. I kissed him a little more naturally.
This time, I took the lead.
I closed my eyes and drew in all of his breath. I pursed my lips and moved the tip of my tongue gently. His fingertips brushed across my back.
As my pitch-black thoughts began to turn hazy, I pulled my lips away.
Taejun was still quiet. I looked at him.
For a moment, neither of us said anything. Then Taejun spoke.
“Told you.”
The corner of Taejun's mouth lifted slightly.
“You're good.”
I snickered too when I heard that. Maybe I was happy to have been acknowledged.
I still remember the moment I first met Yongjun.
Back then, I couldn't even imagine we'd end up like this.
I first saw him toward the end of last year.
Winter was approaching Seowon University's South Campus. I hadn't been in BLACK ROOM for very long.
Every time I entered the club room, there were so many unfamiliar faces. I didn't even properly know who was in which year. It was a time when I lived each day reminding myself not to cause anyone trouble.
That day, too, I sat in a corner, watching everyone while I waited for my turn to rehearse. That's when I saw him for the first time.
Taejun.
I didn't know his name then. He was the kind of person who quietly sang the songs he was rehearsing with his close friends, then left without giving anyone so much as a glance.
A friend in my year sitting beside me said,
“I kind of feel sorry for that guy. Or maybe I don't... Yeah. He might actually enjoy getting picked on.”
“Yeah...? Oh... I see.”
“You'll understand when you go to a drinking session soon.”
That was my first impression of him. Isn't it ridiculous? Someone's first story being that he's pitiful, except maybe he isn't.
Anyway, I wasn't all that serious about the club back then.
I hadn't joined BLACK ROOM for any grand reason. I just liked music, and I figured performing with other people might not be bad.
That was about it.
If anything, I had trouble trusting people.
It was hard for me to talk to someone I'd never met first, and getting close to people felt like a chore. If someone showed interest in me, I would first wonder why they were doing it.
So I tried to keep a pretty low profile in the club too. Of course, taking 21 credits while being in a club may have been where things first went off the rails...
I only did as much as I needed to when preparing for performances. But at some point, that changed. It was around the time fall was ending. I started getting close to someone in the club.
At first, I thought it was just a talking stage.
We spent more and more time messaging each other, and whenever we ran into each other at the club, we naturally started looking for one another.
And then November came.
We ended up dating.
That was when it began.
When I started seeing BLACK ROOM a little differently.
It was a place where someone I liked was, and a place where there were people I would keep seeing.
I wanted to stay even after performances ended. I wanted to go to the club room even on days when we didn't have rehearsal. I became curious about what everyone was talking about, and I started caring about how we would put together the next performance. For the first time, I thought I wanted to stay here for a long time.
As a result, I naturally got to know more people too.
Taejun was one of them.
More precisely, that was when I properly met him for the first time.
My boyfriend was close with Taejun.
One day, we were drinking together, and my boyfriend introduced me to Taejun.
“This is Seowon.”
Taejun looked at me.
“Oh, yeah?”
I didn't like his tone. He was the kind of person who would meet you to get closer but not say a single word. I didn't smile, and I think I lost interest after that.
“Why?”
“No reason. Just wondering.”
Taejun told me later.
That he hadn't liked me much when he first saw me.
He said I looked kind of out of it.
He thought I talked too much and kept going on about things he wasn't particularly curious about.
Looking back, I didn't exactly make a great impression either.
Taejun was an unbelievable jerk.
He was the kind of person who didn't even look at anyone he wasn't interested in. Being next to him for no reason made me feel suffocated and uncomfortable.
I hated that.
I didn't see any reason to make conversation with him. Back then, I never imagined that person would eventually be lying beside me.
I never imagined he'd be someone I'd pick a fight with while drunk, either.
I spoke formally to Taejun.
Everyone else casually called him “Hey,” but I didn't feel like doing that. There wasn't any particularly special reason. We just weren't close yet, and I didn't want to be the one to get closer first.
Taejun didn't look like he wanted to get close to me either.
He tended to pay attention only to the people he was close with. He never spoke to me first, and he didn't go out of his way to make conversation.
So I kept quiet too.
Whenever we ran into each other in the club room, I gave him a light greeting and answered if he needed to ask me something.
That was all.
I wasn't particularly interested in Taejun, and Taejun didn't pay any particular attention to me.
That was the only distance between us back then.