Arvian was still holding the letter, unable to bring himself to open it. His hand felt heavy—not because of the paper in front of him, but because the first sentence written on it had filled his mind with questions.
“If you’re reading this, it means I’m no longer by your side.”
The sentence kept repeating in his head.
Raka, standing beside him, watched Arvian’s face.
“Vian.”
“Hmm?”
“If you’re not ready, don’t open it now.”
Arvian stared at the letter.
“I need to know.”
Raka let out a breath.
“I’m just scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Scared that after you read this, everything will change.”
Arvian gave a small smile.
“Rak, everything’s been changing for a long time.”
Raka fell silent.
Because he knew Arvian was right.
Ever since that person named Nayla had disappeared from his life, a part of Arvian seemed to have stopped. He could still laugh, still joke around, still go through his days like normal.
But something was always missing.
They finally returned to Arvian’s house before opening the letter. Arvian was mostly silent the entire way. He kept the small wooden box clutched tightly inside his bag.
Once they reached his room, Arvian placed the box on the table.
The bedroom light came on.
The atmosphere grew calmer.
Raka sat in the chair near the door.
“Want me to leave?”
Arvian shook his head.
“No.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
Raka nodded.
“If anything happens, tell me.”
Arvian picked up the letter.
Slowly, he unfolded it.
The handwriting inside was neat.
It felt incredibly familiar.
Arvian began to read.
“Arvian,”
“If you’re reading this letter, there may be a lot of things you no longer remember. I don’t know when you’ll find this letter, but I hope that by the time you read it, you’ll be okay.”
Arvian paused for a moment.
His chest felt tight.
He continued.
“I know you must be confused about why there’s a letter like this. I also know you may wonder why I left without explaining everything.”
Arvian’s finger stopped above the paper.
Left.
That word made him even more curious.
“I didn’t leave because I stopped caring about you. In fact, because I cared, I chose to stay silent.”
Arvian stared at the writing for a long time.
Raka, seeing his expression, asked,
“What does it say?”
Arvian didn’t answer right away.
“She said she didn’t leave because she stopped caring.”
Raka lowered his head.
“And?”
Arvian went back to reading.
“There were so many things we couldn’t face back then. You were too busy blaming yourself, while I was too afraid of hurting you even more.”
Arvian frowned.
Blaming himself?
He tried to remember.
But once again, all that surfaced were scattered fragments.
The sound of someone crying.
The sound of his own voice apologizing.
A night.
Then nothing.
“I hope you never hate yourself because of what happened.”
Arvian stopped reading immediately.
“What happened...”
He whispered.
Raka stood up.
“Vian?”
Arvian closed his eyes.
Something was almost coming back.
A memory.
But it vanished again.
“Why can’t I remember?”
Raka moved closer.
“Take it easy.”
“But I need to know, Rak.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.”
The tone of Arvian’s voice made Raka fall silent.
“All this time, I thought I’d only lost someone. But it turns out a part of my life is missing too.”
Raka didn’t argue.
Because it was true.
Arvian went back to reading the letter.
“There’s one thing I want you to remember. Don’t search for the past just to blame someone. Search because you want to understand.”
The sentence left Arvian silent.
“If one day you find the reason I left, I hope you won’t be angry.”
The letter stopped for several lines.
Then came the final sentence.
“Thank you for once making me feel like I had somewhere to come home to.”
Arvian lowered the letter.
The room fell silent.
Neither of them spoke.
Raka finally sat down again.
“Vian...”
Arvian looked at the photograph inside the box.
A photo of him and Nayla.
They looked happy.
Not like two people who had problems.
But like two people who had once understood each other.
“I really loved her, didn’t I?”
Raka nodded slowly.
“Yeah.”
“You know everything?”
Raka fell silent.
The question made Arvian look straight at him.
“Rak.”
“I...”
“You know?”
Raka drew a breath.
“I know a little.”
Arvian stood up.
“A little or a lot?”
“Vian...”
“Answer me.”
Raka lowered his head.
“I know you two were close.”
“And?”
“I know you had problems before she left.”
“What problems?”
Raka said nothing.
Arvian began to grow irritated.
“Why does everyone know except me?”
“Because back then, you were the one who told us not to say anything.”
Arvian froze.
“What?”
Raka looked at him.
“You said that if you ever forgot, we shouldn’t force you to remember.”
Arvian slowly backed away.
“No way.”
“That’s what you said.”
“Why would I say that?”
Raka didn’t answer.
Because the answer might have been too painful.
Arvian sat down again.
His thoughts grew even more tangled.
All this time, he’d thought someone had abandoned him.
But maybe there was a reason why it had all happened.
The night grew later.
Raka finally went home after making sure Arvian was okay.
Before leaving, he said,
“Vian.”
“Hmm?”
“Don’t look for the answers alone.”
Arvian nodded.
After Raka left, Arvian opened the wooden box again.
At the very bottom was a small object he hadn’t noticed earlier.
A bracelet with a moon-shaped charm.
Arvian picked it up.
And suddenly, a voice surfaced in his memory.
“Don’t lose this, okay?”
A woman’s voice.
Arvian froze.
His eyes widened.
“Nayla...”
For the first time in so long, he heard that voice again.
Not from a photograph.
Not from someone else’s stories.
But from his own memory.
And even though it lasted only a few seconds, it was enough to make Arvian realize something.
There was something he had buried very deep all this time.
Something connected to the feeling of loss.
Something that might be the reason he was still carrying that longing with him to this day.