Sunday morning, eight minutes before eleven, Arga was already waiting in front of the minimarket across from the church.
The car was turned off.
The window was cracked open.
His phone was in his hand, but for the past five minutes, all he'd done was wake the screen, check the time, and lock it again.
10:52.
Lina's last message was still the same.
Almost done.
Sent twenty-six minutes ago.
Arga let out a slow breath, then typed.
I'm in front of the minimarket.
He stared at the words for a moment.
He didn't send it.
Lina already knew.
For the past few months, whenever Arga picked Lina up on Sundays, he always stopped in the same place. Right beneath the minimarket sign, its colors starting to fade, beside a small tree that, for some reason, never really grew.
Arga knew exactly when she would come out.
Lina also knew where to wait for him.
Three years together made a lot of things no longer need explaining.
Across the street, people began to come out.
A little boy ran ahead of his mother. Two women stood near the gate, chatting. A man was busy searching for his car keys inside his wife's bag.
Arga lifted his head when he spotted a white shirt in the crowd.
Lina.
He couldn't see her face clearly yet, but Arga knew it was her.
The way she walked.
The bag that always slipped a little off her right shoulder.
And the hair she'd complained about over text that morning.
Lina stood at the edge of the street, waiting for the cars to pass.
Arga started the engine.
A few seconds later, the passenger door opened.
"It's so hot."
Arga glanced at her.
"Good afternoon to you too."
Lina got in, closed the door, and quickly aimed the AC vent at her face.
"Good afternoon. It's so hot."
"You said you'd be done in a minute."
"I wasn't lying."
Arga looked at the clock on the dashboard.
"Half an hour."
"It hasn't been half an hour."
"Twenty-eight minutes."
"See? So it hasn't."
Arga looked at her.
Lina busied herself fastening her seat belt, as if she hadn't just said anything.
"If someone else left you at the altar, you'd probably say, 'I'm not married yet. We're still at the ceremony.'"
Lina's hands stopped.
She turned to him.
Arga immediately felt that something was wrong with what he'd said.
Not because Lina was angry.
It was because she'd gone quiet too quickly.
"What?" Arga asked.
"Nothing."
"What?"
"Come on, let's go."
Arga kept looking at her for a few seconds before finally pulling onto the road.
"Food?"
"Sure."
"What do you want to eat?"
"Whatever."
"Padang food."
"No."
"You said whatever."
"I didn't say every option was okay."
Arga nodded slowly.
"This is what our conversation sounds like every week."
"Then you still haven't learned."
"Bakmi noodles?"
Lina turned to him.
"The place in Cikini?"
"Yeah."
"Sure."
"See? If you'd answered that way from the start, my life would be so much easier."
Lina pulled a hair tie off her wrist.
"It's not my responsibility to make your life easier."
"What kind of girlfriend are you?"
"The one you chose yourself."
Arga smiled faintly.
For the next few minutes, everything felt like an ordinary Sunday.
Lina complained about her hair.
Arga said it looked no different.
Lina called that an insult.
Arga pretended not to hear.
They argued over the song playing on the radio until Lina finally turned the radio off altogether.
Small things.
Things that had felt safer for three years than talking about the future.
Their usual bakmi place was fairly crowded.
They got a small table near the wall, right beneath an old fan that squeaked every few seconds.
Arga hadn't even had time to open the menu when Lina said, "Chicken bakmi with wontons, unsweetened iced tea."
Arga looked at her.
"That's my order."
"I know."
"You memorized it?"
"Unfortunately."
Arga closed the menu again.
"That's kind of romantic."
"Don't get a big head."
The server came over.
Arga's order was correct.
Lina ordered yamin noodles and unsweetened iced tea.
After the server left, Arga watched Lina take a tissue and fold its corner over and over.
"What's wrong?"
Lina looked up.
"What do you mean?"
"That."
Arga pointed at her hand.
Lina looked at the tissue.
"What about it?"
"You always mess up tissues when you're nervous."
"I'm not nervous."
"You usually do that when you're lying, too."
Lina set the tissue down.
"You're so annoying."
Arga didn't push her.
Lina's phone vibrated on the table.
Mom appeared on the screen.
Lina looked at it for a moment.
She didn't answer.
The vibration stopped.
Arga toyed with his spoon.
"You're not answering?"
"Later."
"Afraid she'll tell you to come home?"
"No."
Her phone vibrated again.
This time, Lina picked it up.
"Yeah, Mom."
Arga lowered his head, suddenly very interested in the chili sauce.
"Yeah, I'm with Arga."
A pause.
"I'll come home this afternoon."
Another pause.
Lina bit her lower lip.
"Yeah. Lina remembers."
Arga turned slightly toward her.
Lina's tone had changed.
Not by much.
But he knew.
"Yeah, Mom. You don't have to pick me up."
The call ended.
Lina set her phone down with the screen facing the table.
Arga didn't ask right away.
The server came over with their food.
As usual, Arga moved the pickles from his bowl into Lina's.
He did it without thinking.
Lina accepted them without saying thank you.
Three years made some habits feel like shared property.
Arga stirred his noodles.
"Your mom?"
"Yeah."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Okay."
Lina looked up.
"Just okay?"
Arga stopped.
"You said it was nothing."
"And you just believed me?"
"If I ask, you'll say I'm being nosy."
"Then ask first."
Arga set down his chopsticks.
"Okay. What's wrong?"
Lina was silent.
Arga waited.
The fan above them squeaked again.
From the next table came the voice of a little child asking for more wontons.
Lina stared at her bowl.
"Daniel is coming over tonight."
Arga's hand stopped near his glass.
Only for a moment.
Then he picked up his drink.
"Oh."
Lina lifted her face.
"He and his family."
"Oh."
"Ga."
"Hm?"
"Don't just keep saying 'oh.'"
Arga set down his glass.
"What do you want me to say?"
Lina didn't answer.
Daniel.
Arga knew the name.
Lina's mom's friend's son.
He worked at his family's logistics company.
He'd lived in Melbourne.
He went to church regularly.
He didn't smoke.
Everything else Arga knew came from bits and pieces of stories he'd never actually asked for.
Once, Lina had accidentally shown him a picture of Daniel.
Blue shirt.
Neat hair.
A face that looked like the kind parents would like.
Arga hated that he still remembered it.
"Mom just invited them over for dinner," Lina said.
"Yeah."
"Dad will be there too."
"Good."
"What's good about it?"
"More people."
Lina sighed.
"Are you mad?"
"No."
"You look mad."
"My face just looks like this."
"No. When you're mad, your answers get really short."
Arga raised an eyebrow.
"Can you read minds now?"
"I don't have to."
Arga lowered his head again.
"I'm jealous."
Lina fell silent.
The answer had come out on its own.
Not loudly.
Not dramatically.
Arga didn't even look at her.
"Yeah, I'm jealous," he continued. "But what am I supposed to do?"
"I didn't say you had to do anything."
"If I told you not to see him, what would you say to your mom?"
Lina didn't answer.
"If I got mad at you for going to a dinner your family arranged, would that make anything easier?"
"No."
"Exactly."
Lina played with the end of her chopsticks.
"I just want to know whether you care or not."
Arga finally looked at her.
"If I didn't care, I wouldn't be sitting here."
Lina looked back at him.
There was something she wanted to say.
She didn't.
They continued eating.
A few minutes passed normally.
Too normally.
Until Arga said, "We've been together for three years, Lin."
Lina stopped chewing.
Arga himself only realized the words had come out after it was too late.
"Three years," he repeated more quietly. "Something like this was bound to come up."
"Something like this?"
"Family."
"Daniel?"
"Not just Daniel."
Lina put down her chopsticks.
"Then what?"
Arga was silent.
That was the problem.
Every conversation about the future always reached the same point.
Then they stopped.
Not because they didn't love each other.
Maybe precisely because they were too afraid of finding an answer they wouldn't like.
Arga picked up his glass.
"I don't know."
Lina smiled faintly.
Not happily.
"Our favorite answer."
After they ate, Lina still didn't want to go home.
They walked to the bookstore across the street.
Arga went to the photography section.
Lina disappeared into stationery.
As usual.
About ten minutes later, Arga realized Lina was no longer there.
He found her in the travel section.
Lina stood facing the shelves, holding a book.
Singapore.
Arga stopped two steps behind her.
"Vacation?"
Lina jumped.
"Jesus."
"A book scared you?"
"You could make some noise when you walk."
Arga looked at the cover.
"Why Singapore?"
Lina immediately put it back on the shelf.
Her movement was too quick.
Arga recognized it.
Just like with the tissue earlier.
"Lin."
"Hm?"
"What's going on?"
Lina straightened a book that was already perfectly straight.
"I got an email yesterday."
"What kind of email?"
"Work."
Arga waited.
"From the studio in Singapore."
It took him a few seconds to remember.
Six months ago, Lina had applied to a design studio there.
At the time, she'd been frustrated with her office.
Arga had even helped check her résumé.
After two months without hearing back, they had both assumed the application was over.
"They got back to you?"
Lina nodded.
"When?"
"Last week."
Arga stared at her.
"Last week?"
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't know the result yet."
"An interview?"
"Already happened."
"When?"
"Tuesday."
Arga remembered Tuesday night.
They'd talked on the phone for almost an hour.
Lina had told him about design revisions.
About an annoying person at work.
About coffee spilling on her desk.
Not one word about an interview.
"And?"
Lina drew a breath.
"They gave me an offer."
Arga didn't answer right away.
"You got it?"
"Yeah."
"When would you start?"
"If I take it, next month."
"Next month?"
"Yeah."
Arga slid his hands into his pockets.
"That's great."
Lina looked at him.
"Great?"
"Yeah. You've wanted to work somewhere like that for a long time."
"I never said I wanted to go."
"But it's a great opportunity."
"Arga."
"What?"
"Don't you want to ask why I haven't answered yet?"
Arga fell silent.
The answer appeared in his mind too quickly.
"Because of me?"
Lina gave a short laugh.
"What do you think?"
Arga looked at the Singapore book on the shelf.
A photo of Marina Bay covered it.
Suddenly, an entire country felt much closer than he wanted it to.
"Don't turn it down because of me."
Lina's expression changed immediately.
"Must be nice to say that."
"I'm serious."
"I know you're serious."
"If it's good for you, take it."
"What if I go?"
Arga looked at her.
"Then we'll make it work."
"It's that easy?"
"Nobody said it was easy."
"But you're making it sound easy."
Arga began to lose his patience.
"Then what do you want me to say?"
Lina was quiet for a few seconds.
"If you don't want me to go, say so."
Arga didn't answer.
Lina waited.
It was only one sentence.
Don't go.
Easy.
The hard part was what he would have to say after Lina asked why.
Stay for what?
For a relationship that didn't even know where it was going?
To wait for their families to change?
To hope that one day, one of them would find an answer that didn't hurt anyone?
Arga didn't have that.
All he had was fear.
And fear didn't feel like a good enough reason to ask someone to give up the chance to live the life she wanted.
"I don't have the right to say that."
Lina looked at him for a long time.
"Okay."
"Lin."
"I want to go home."
"Lina."
"I'm tired."
She walked ahead.
Arga stood for a moment in front of the travel shelf.
Behind him were books about Japan.
Thailand.
Australia.
Places that felt like they had nothing to do with his life.
Singapore did now.
Rain fell when they left the bookstore.
Arga took an umbrella from the car.
They walked side by side beneath an umbrella that was too small.
A drizzle dampened Arga's left shoulder.
Normally, Lina would have tugged on his arm or taken over the umbrella while complaining that he always held it at an angle.
Today, Lina did nothing.
They got into the car.
Arga started the engine.
He didn't turn on the music.
The whole drive, Lina looked out the window.
Jakarta moved behind the rain-streaked glass.
Headlights.
Bus stops.
People jogging for cover.
Arga wanted to speak several times.
I didn't mean it that way.
Too defensive.
I'm going to miss you.
Too small.
Don't go.
Too big.
In the end, nothing came out.
By the time they reached Lina's neighborhood, the rain had stopped.
A black car was parked in the driveway.
Arga didn't recognize it.
Lina looked in the same direction.
"Looks like Daniel's already here."
Arga nodded.
The car stopped in front of the gate.
Neither of them got out right away.
Lina was still wearing her seat belt.
Arga still had his hands on the wheel, even though the car was no longer moving.
"Ga."
"Hm?"
"If I go to Singapore..."
Lina paused.
"Are we over?"
Arga turned to her.
"Do you want us to be over?"
"I'm the one asking."
"I don't want that."
"Then?"
Arga stared through the windshield.
"I don't know."
Lina gave a small laugh.
There was no happiness in it at all this time.
"Our favorite answer."
"Lin."
"I'm tired, Ga."
Arga didn't interrupt.
"Not tired of you."
"Yeah."
"I'm tired of us always waiting."
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting for everything to fix itself."
Arga looked at her.
Lina continued, "Waiting for our families to change. Waiting for us to find the courage. Waiting until who knows when we can talk about the future without ending up saying 'I don't know.'"
"Then what am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know either."
Arga almost laughed.
Ironic.
Lina leaned her head against the seat.
"I never asked you to change your beliefs."
Arga was silent.
"I know."
"I can't, either."
"I know."
There was no argument after that.
That was exactly what made everything feel heavier.
If one of them had been cruel, maybe it would have been easier.
If one of them had cheated.
If one of them had lied.
If one of them had stopped loving the other.
They could have gotten angry and left.
But Lina still knew Arga didn't eat pickles.
Arga still knew Lina's favorite drink by heart.
They still had terrible photos of each other on their phones.
Still sent each other random cat pictures.
Still had chargers that got mixed up.
Still knew when the other was hiding something.
Three years had built all these little things.
And it turned out that little things didn't automatically give two people the same future.
"I'm scared," Arga said.
Lina turned to him.
Arga kept looking ahead.
"Of what?"
"I'm scared."
Lina said nothing.
"I thought that if we didn't talk about it, it meant we still had time."
"Ga..."
"Stupid, right?"
Lina looked at him for a moment.
"A little."
Arga gave a small laugh.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
For the first time since they left the bookstore, the tension between them eased a little.
It didn't disappear.
It just made room for them to breathe.
Lina unfastened her seat belt.
"I haven't accepted the offer yet."
"When do you have to answer?"
"Monday."
Arga immediately turned to her.
"Tomorrow?"
"Yeah."
"Why are you only telling me now?"
Lina looked at him.
Arga immediately regretted asking.
"Okay. Forget it."
Lina opened the door.
Before getting out, she stopped.
"Ga."
"Hm?"
"If there's something you want to say to me..."
Arga waited.
"...don't say it after Monday."
Lina got out.
The door closed.
Arga watched her walk into the yard.
A man came out of the front door.
Light blue shirt.
Neat.
Tall.
Probably Daniel.
Lina stopped beside him for a moment.
They spoke.
Arga couldn't hear what they were saying.
The gate began to close.
Until Lina disappeared from view.
The car behind him honked.
Arga only then realized he was still stopped in the middle of the road.
He drove away slowly.
At a red light, his phone vibrated.
One message from Mom.
Coming home for dinner?
Arga read it twice.
The light was still red.
His finger hovered over the screen.
For three years, he had never really told her about Lina.
Not everything.
Not the important parts.
Arga typed one word.
Mom.
He stopped.
Deleted it.
Typed again.
I'm coming home tonight.
The message sent.
The light turned green.
Arga set his phone on the passenger seat.
For the first time in three years, he knew there was a conversation he couldn't put off anymore.
And for the first time, he also wasn't sure whether being one day too late would make everything different.