I felt the hands of the clock ticking slower. My head felt heavy and a little dizzy. I had no idea how many shots of alcohol I had put away. In this state, I felt a little sorry that I had drunk so much.
The vibration of my phone beneath the pillow startled me. Afraid of missing an important call, I moved the pillow blocking it. The floating phone display showed Dad’s name.
I felt a little panicked. Rubbing my face and patting my cheeks, I answered, trying to sound as normal as possible.
“Dad, good morning?”
“Hmm, Ra, where are you? Don’t be late getting to campus. Remember, your thesis defense is today. Don’t get stuck in traffic!” he rattled off.
The throbbing in my head intensified. I nearly screamed in panic when I saw the clock on the wall of this simple boarding room. It was almost eight. There was no way I had enough time to shower and eat breakfast.
“D-Dad, I’ll call you back later, okay? I’m about to leave!” I almost shrieked.
“All right, all right. Don’t forget to pray, don’t panic, and think carefully before answering the examiners’ questions ...”
I hung up on Dad without saying goodbye. If I listened to him talk any longer, I wouldn’t have time to get ready. Dad talked and dictated too much, and I didn’t like it because I felt I was old enough to do things without being told what to do.
As fast as lightning, I brushed my teeth, washed my face, changed clothes, sprayed on perfume, and put on a little makeup. Though I was panicking, I tried to ignore the pounding in my head, the effect of the liquor I had downed with my friends.
Actually, when I arrived at the club, I was fully aware that today was extremely important. But everything spiraled out of control once everyone got swept up in the revelry. Whatever. The important thing was that I had resolved to make sure everything went smoothly today. I was tired of Dad constantly asking when I would graduate.
Once everything was ready, I hurried out of the alley and waited for the bus at the stop right beside the entrance on the right.
My thoughts immediately wandered, remembering what Dad wanted for the three of us, his children.
Although he worked only as a factory laborer, Dad hoped we would all receive higher education. My two older siblings finished their studies on time and went on to become impressive people in the eyes of our parents. As the youngest, I had never wanted to go to college.
I only wanted to take a sewing or makeup course, but Dad kept persuading me to attend university.
“A sewing course can wait. College is different. Dad has limits when it comes to his strength and what he can afford. While I’m still strong, I want you to get as much education as possible, then find a decent job, and eventually marry someone who’s right for you financially and emotionally.”
“Dad, I can make money with those skills.” I tried to convince him.
“No, sweetheart. Don’t turn a hobby into your source of income. Sewing and makeup depend on the season, whether it’s religious holidays or special occasions that don’t happen every day. Nothing is certain. But if you work in an office, you’ll have a steady monthly income.”
Ugh, I really wanted to argue with him. But of course, it would have been pointless. Dad had a thousand answers to convince us. His life was filled with all kinds of plans, for himself and for his family. And because of that attitude, I felt controlled. As his children, I was sure my siblings felt the same way.
We had never been given a choice, whether it was our education, our hobbies, or even the way we dressed. He arranged everything. Dad made us miss out on our youth with friends our own age. Our world seemed to revolve only around home, school, and places of worship. We had no time to have fun or learn what the outside world was like beyond what we saw on the news.
The arrival of the bus I was about to board jolted me out of my open-eyed dream. My feet felt heavy as I headed to campus. I truly wanted to sleep and rest all day without having to worry about anything.
Although I didn’t do as well as Dad had hoped, I passed my thesis defense and was declared a graduate. I had only tried to finish, not to be the best. A week after that, Dad called and asked me to come home. I felt annoyed enough to want to get angry because I had plans.
Dad seemed to know everything I wanted that didn’t align with his wishes. Thoughts like that were what made me constantly assume the worst about him.
Reluctantly, I did what Dad asked. But it turned out I wasn’t alone. My two siblings were there too. Andrean, my oldest brother, looked weary. I couldn’t read his expression; I had no idea what was going through his mind. Lia looked just as confused as I was.
Usually, when our parents asked us to come home, they told us to clean up, eat, and rest, and we would talk after we had recovered from the trip. This time, Dad gathered us together immediately.
“You’re probably wondering why I asked all of you to come home,” Dad said without preamble. Mom lowered her head, as if she were anxious and holding something back.
Dad seemed to be waiting for our reactions. I was only slightly confused as I looked at everyone’s expressions in our simple living room.
“Andrean!” Dad glared at my older brother, making him lower his head even further. “As the oldest, you should have set a good example for your two younger siblings. Your mother and I worked hard to prepare for your futures, but what have you done?”
My heart began beating a little faster, but I tried to hold myself back, hoping I would soon understand what was going on.
“Forgive me, Dad,” Andrean breathed, barely loud enough to hear.
“There’s no point in asking me for forgiveness. Your future is ruined. Things can’t be put back the way they were.” Dad snorted, his face reddening.
“No wonder your younger siblings are wild too, when you’ve made yourself worthless in their eyes!”
My heart sank at his words.
“Lia, Rara! What about you? Do you still want to live without rules or direction?” Dad looked from me to Lia. The razor-sharp look in his eyes made me shudder. Dad had never acted like this before.
“Just because I’ve been quiet all this time doesn’t mean I don’t know what you’ve been doing. Instead of preparing for your futures, you’ve been doing whatever you please.” Dad paused, visibly trying to control his emotions.
“I’ve tried to understand you because you’re still young and need to see the outside world from a different perspective, but don’t think you can deceive your parents!”
Mom patted Dad’s back when he looked upset and began to wheeze.
“You need to understand that I’ve tried to give you the best education, even if it meant saving money my whole life. I wanted your lives to be secure someday, so you wouldn’t have to endure the hard life I did. But ... look! Look at what you’ve given me in return for all my hard work!”
Dad’s emotions exploded. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry and pour out his grievances in front of all of us.
For a while, we sat in silence. I still didn’t know what Andrean had done wrong to make Dad gather us all together and unleash his disappointment. Even though I was annoyed, I felt a little guilty toward him.
“Andre, what are you going to do now? You can’t possibly continue your career in the service after deserting,” Dad continued once he had calmed down a little.
Lia and I both raised our heads and gaped at him at the same time.
Andre had deserted? Why would he do something so stupid?
The person asking the question waited for an answer. Andrean kept his head bowed, his shoulders visibly shaking as he held back his sobs.
“I had such high hopes that you would make us proud and raise the family’s standing. I suppose I expected too much. If you didn’t want this, why didn’t you refuse from the beginning, before entering the academy?”
Andrean stood, then sank down in front of Dad, hugging his knees and begging for forgiveness.
“Dad, forgive me. I was wrong, Dad!” His sobs broke loose, making Dad tense and clench his jaw.
“Regretting it is useless. It’s already happened. Now think about what you’re going to do. If you fail, it won’t be my fault, because I’ve already tried to help you.”
Andrean only cried, unable to answer Dad.
“Lia, you’re the one I’m counting on now. Keep working hard, and save your money for the future. I hope you can build a good life with the education you’ve received.”
Lia murmured yes through her tears. So she had been doing all right this whole time.
“And you, Rara ...” Dad clicked his tongue and shook his head. “Stop your bad habits and focus on your future. Don’t fail and end up regretting it. I don’t need to spell out all your bad behavior. You’re an adult now. Start thinking about your priorities.”
My chest tightened as I listened to Dad’s advice. Though his words weren’t as sharp as they had been with Andrean, my face felt as if I’d been slapped. Heat spread from my cheeks to my ears. I even felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Dad’s words left me speechless. All I could do was nod.
Before telling us to reflect on ourselves while we rested, Dad gave us an extremely long lecture. He told us everything he had done and experienced at the factory where he worked to provide for us. It turned out Dad’s life had been very difficult, and he had endured it all in silence, without us knowing.
We were the three of us, crying over the mound of wet earth in front of us. Overwhelmed by regret, all we could do was sob in sorrow and remorse. Dad and Mom had gone together into eternity while they were out shopping yesterday morning.
They had wanted to hold a small thanksgiving gathering because Andrean had found a job again after more than three years of unemployment.
Two days before the fatal bus plowed into the beat-up motorcycle they were riding, Dad called.
“Ra, come home. We’re going to get together and hold a small celebration. Your mother and I want to celebrate that I’ve nearly finished my duty, and give thanks for all you’ve accomplished.”
I had protested when I heard his slightly strange words. Dad had never spoken in a way that left such a hole in my heart before. But Dad really did feel that his work was almost done.
“I only need to walk you to the gates of marriage, and then everything will be settled.” Those were the words I recognized as an omen after what happened.
The grief pierced my soul even more deeply whenever I remembered how Dad had advised us without hurting our pride. Was it too late to thank him now that he was gone? Did Dad know how deeply I regretted everything and how much I missed him, now that it was too late? All I could do was pray that Dad and Mom were there, resting in peace and joining the blessed in heaven.