“Mai, you have to come home this time. Don’t end up regretting it later, because you won’t have another chance to see Mom one last time.” Nina’s voice trembled as she held back her sobs.
I could only choke back my own sobs as I listened to my sister’s story, my chest rumbling with overflowing anger and disappointment. Dark images flashed through my mind, one after another, not a single one left behind.
“I’m sorry, Na. I don’t think I can come home this time.” My throat tightened as if it were clogged with a wad of sandpaper.
“Why, Mai? Don’t you feel sorry for Mom? She keeps saying your name. She misses you every moment. She just wants to see you and hug you, even if it’s only once!” Nina shouted from the other end of the line. I couldn’t answer. It was hard to come up with a reason for refusing.
“Answer me, Mai! Why are you just staying quiet?”
I sighed, trying to release the burden pressing against my chest.
“Na, just tell Mom that I’m doing fine, even though I can’t come home to visit her.” That was all I could force out amid the torrent of curses demanding to be unleashed.
Why did that woman have to get sick? Why did I have to deal with things like this? If a man named Mr. Subari hadn’t pulled me off the railroad tracks that day, I would already be dead and wouldn’t have to go through something as troublesome as this. My heart kept rebelling, rejecting all of Nina’s pleas. She clearly had no idea what I had been through in the past.
“Mai?”
“Please, stop pressuring me. I have things that need to come first, too, Mom….”
“You don’t think Mom comes first? She’s your mother, the woman who gave birth to you! How can you treat her like that? Don’t you think it will hurt her feelings?”
Hurt her feelings? What about me? Did she know what I had felt all this time? What did she know about the way Mom treated me? A thousand times I held myself back from spitting those words into her ear.
“Whatever! I don’t have to listen to you or do what you ask!” I snapped before hanging up.
My heart was shattered, and both my knees seemed unable to support my weight. Slowly, I slid down against the wall. The pain gnawing at my soul gave rise to a bitter grudge, birthing the darkest prayers I hoped would come true.
“Don’t ever come back until you realize what you’ve done!” Those words had kept me going as I fought against the harshness of life. I swore I would never return to that cursed house, even if it meant enduring a difficult life in the capital.
I never contacted Mom just to ask how she was doing. I was already too hurt and had hardened my heart, so I chose to let them think I was dead. But God always has a way of making people communicate. Over the past few months, I had been in touch with Nina. I ran into Arham, one of my middle-school friends. He was the one who gave Nina the phone number I had been using while in hiding.
I wondered what Nina looked like now. I had left home while she was still in elementary school. The first time she called, she asked how I and my family were doing. She was shocked when I told her I had chosen to remain alone all this time.
The second time she called, she began telling me about how Mom was often sick. That woman hoped Nina could track me down. I remained unmoved. There was no way Mom missed me. She was supposed to protect me, yet she was the one who made me feel hopeless and worthless. So why should I go home?
A week later…
“Mai, please… Mom’s condition has gotten much worse. You can’t keep ignoring her request.” Nina was begging me over the phone.
I shook my head, forgetting that she couldn’t see me. “Please don’t bother me anymore, Na. Don’t make me start ignoring your calls, too,” I pleaded.
“That’s why you shouldn’t harden your heart. Give her a little opening. If you have a reason, at least give her a reasonable explanation.”
“Why don’t you ask Mom? Has she realized what I’ve been through all this time? Don’t tell me she misses me. I don’t need that kind of melodramatic nonsense.”
“Mai, enough! If you really don’t want to go home, you don’t have to curse Mom over some unclear mistake. All your fingers are pointing at a woman who’s fought for you—for your life!”
Fought for me, she said? When had Mom ever fought for me? She hadn’t even believed what I told her, so I had never stopped blaming her.
I knew Nina didn’t understand the situation. I couldn’t force her to understand, because I myself had trouble explaining it.
“I really don’t want to go home. Don’t ever force me. Whether I regret it or not, that’s my problem. Just consider me someone who was never part of your family.”
“Mai! How could you say that?”
“Yes! I’m perfectly capable of saying it. So don’t ever try! And from now on, I’m cutting you off, too, because I don’t want to know how any of you are doing. Honestly, this is disrupting my life.”
After ending the call, I hoped I would feel a little relieved. Instead, my frustration continued dragging me into the widening dark pit in front of me. The loneliness felt sharper now. If I could turn back time, I would want someone to share my burdens with. All this time, I had been unable to form a relationship with anyone. Suspicion always surfaced whenever someone approached me to be friendly, leaving me unable to socialize or accept anyone’s kindness.
At times like this, I felt fragile and powerless. I hated my circumstances, Mom, the places, and the people connected to my past. I had no will to live that I could hold on to.
Blocking Nina’s number had done nothing to bring peace into my life. It had only made me suffer more. I felt that something was wrong. No matter what, Mom was still my parent, someone worthy of respect and honor. Twenty years was not a short time to spend in exile. I began wondering whether Mom carried regret in her heart. Who knew how long they had spent searching for my trail?
In the end, I had to overcome my pride. Though it was difficult, I unblocked Nina’s number. I didn’t know what she was feeling at the time, but her voice sounded as if it were holding back anger. Between sobs, she asked me to come immediately to the hospital where Mom was being treated. Mom was unconscious by then, having previously begun to lose the ability to recognize the people around her.
I needed time to decide whether to go home. Heavyhearted, I stepped into the hospital corridor in my hometown. There had been changes everywhere. Because of them, few people recognized me, and I recognized few people. With directions from the receptionist, I found Mom’s room.
She lay there with her eyes closed. A tube was attached to her left wrist, an oxygen mask covered her nose and mouth, and a catheter connected to a urine bag hanging from the bed. Her condition was heartbreaking.
Time seemed to slow. Even though the door to the room stood open, my feet felt nailed to the floor. My chest was tight with old wounds that had begun bleeding again. I couldn’t move toward Mom.
“That’s how Mom is now, Mai.” Nina’s voice startled me. I didn’t know how long she had been there. When I turned my head, I saw her exhausted, swollen face. Nina looked much older than she was.
“Go in. Maybe Mom will wake up and recognize you when she opens her eyes.”
Nina’s words gave me the strength to approach. Mom’s face looked pale. Her chest rose and fell, the movement barely visible. Her hand looked thin beneath its wrinkled skin, bluish veins showing through. Nina hugged my shoulder, bringing down the defenses I had built during the journey.
“Mom, it’s Maira. How are you?” I whispered. It sounded ridiculous. The hot tears in my eyes began streaming down my cheeks. I wanted to embrace this frail body, but my hardened heart kept me standing rigid and unable to move. Nina was the same. She remained silent as she watched it happen.
“Mom, I came to visit you. Forgive me for not being able to make peace with what happened.” My heart felt twisted. It hurt to see Mom like this. I would have preferred to see her strong and unyielding, so she could curse me out.
The memories returned one by one, as if they had happened only yesterday. I could still remember Mom’s smile when she began a new life with a broad-shouldered man who later asked me to call him Dad. A year later, Nina was born, seeming to complete the happiness they were enjoying. Nina was eight when the man I called Dad began to change. I was afraid to tell Mom about his behavior because, in her eyes, he was perfect. He had created the image of a loyal, kind man who loved his wife and children. Mom had truly fallen in love with him and trusted him.
Even so, I was afraid of him. That fear turned me into someone defensive. My instincts had been right. That bastard shattered Mom’s trust while hurting me and driving me away from the woman I loved most. I had nowhere to turn. When I tried to ask her for protection, she accused me of slandering her husband and destroying his reputation. Feeling untouchable, that vile man repeated what he had done again and again until I could no longer endure it. Mom was furious when I told her. There was no proof, and the criminal’s ability to create alibis sent me out onto the streets. Desperate, angry, and disappointed, I went to the railroad tracks to end my life. I couldn’t bear being abused and treated like a liar any longer.
“Mom, you can go now. I’ve forgiven you. I truly have, Mom,” I sobbed.
As if she had heard me, the oxygen bubbles connected to Mom’s mask stopped making a sound. She was gone, taking with her part of the burden I had carried alone all these years. With her passing, I hoped I could keep standing against the harshness of life, however much longer I had left.