The Message That Was Never Supposed to Be Sent
00.47
Raka's phone vibrated just as his eyes were about to close.
Once.
Briefly.
It lay beside his pillow, screen facing down. Raka had actually meant to go to sleep twenty minutes ago. He had an eight a.m. class tomorrow, and experience had proven that he wasn't the kind of person who could function normally on four hours of sleep.
Unfortunately, the intention to sleep and the habit of using his phone before bed were two things that never really got along.
Raka felt around on the mattress beside him.
Phone found.
Screen on.
The white light immediately made him squint.
There was one notification.
Lara.
His sleepiness faded a little.
Only a little.
Raka opened the message.
Lara Actually, all this time I've—
Raka's brows furrowed.
He read it once.
Twice.
Then—
The message disappeared.
Replaced by a single line of gray text.
This message was deleted.
Raka, who had been half lying down, immediately sat up.
“What the hell?”
He stared at the screen as if the message might come back if he waited.
No.
The same words remained.
This message was deleted.
Raka's thumb moved.
Raka: What the hell did you delete?
Sent.
Two check marks.
Not blue yet.
Raka waited.
One minute.
No reply.
He opened Lara's profile.
Online.
“Well, there.”
So she wasn't asleep yet.
Raka went back to the chat.
There was nothing there.
Then a small line of text appeared at the top.
Lara is typing…
Raka waited.
Three seconds.
Five seconds.
The text disappeared.
Then appeared again.
Lara is typing…
Gone again.
Raka exhaled through his nose.
“What’s wrong with this girl?”
He typed.
Raka: What's wrong with you?
Message sent.
Two check marks.
This time, they turned blue.
Raka waited for a reply.
Nothing.
“Lara.”
As if calling her name would make her answer faster.
Raka got out of bed and leaned his back against the headboard.
His room was dark. The only light came from his phone's screen and the streetlamp shining through a gap in the curtains.
There wasn't a sound from the downstairs living room.
His mother must already be asleep.
Nayel should have been asleep too, though there was a good chance the kid was still playing games under his blanket.
Raka looked at the screen again.
Still no answer.
He tried to remember the sentence from before.
Actually, all this time I've—
All this time I've what?
Actually, all this time I've known?
Actually, all this time I've wanted to say something?
Actually, all this time I've been annoyed with you?
Or—
Raka stopped.
His brain tried to offer another possibility.
He rejected it immediately.
“No way.”
His phone vibrated.
Raka almost dropped it because he looked at the screen too quickly.
Lara: Sent to the wrong person.
Raka went silent.
Then he snorted.
Raka: Liar.
The reply came in less than ten seconds.
Lara: Fine, if you trust yourself more.
Raka: If it was sent to the wrong person, the sentence shouldn't have made sense.
Three dots appeared.
Lara: Did you even read it?
Raka smiled faintly.
Finally.
Raka: I caught part of it.
No reply.
Raka added:
Raka: “Actually, all this time I've—”
Lara replied immediately.
Lara: ENOUGH.
Raka chuckled softly.
Raka: All this time you've what?
Lara: Go to sleep.
Raka: Now I'm curious.
Lara: None of your business.
Raka: Come on, you sent it to me.
Lara: That's why I deleted it.
Raka raised an eyebrow.
A reasonable answer.
But it only made him even more curious.
Raka: So it really was for me?
There was no answer.
Raka stared at the screen.
Online.
Then—
Lara is typing…
Gone.
Appeared again.
Gone again.
Almost a minute later, a reply came in.
Lara: You have an early class tomorrow, right?
Raka clicked his tongue.
Changing the subject.
Classic Lara.
Raka: Don't change the subject.
Lara: At eight?
Raka: Lara.
Lara: Go to sleep, Rak.
Raka: Answer me first.
His message was read.
Then nothing.
One minute.
Two minutes.
Lara's status changed to offline.
Raka dropped onto the mattress.
“Damn it.”
Not because he was angry.
More because the curiosity that had suddenly taken root in his head had been abandoned there just like that.
He reread their conversation.
Actually, all this time I've—
For some reason, the sentence felt different.
Raka and Lara often deleted messages.
Usually, they weren't important.
Sometimes it was a typo.
Sometimes because one of them had sent the wrong sticker.
Sometimes because one of them had typed something while emotional, then changed their mind.
Raka himself had once deleted “I miss you” and replaced it with “Do we have a meeting tomorrow?”
But that—
Raka froze.
He had just remembered something he really shouldn't have remembered.
“Different.”
He turned off the screen.
Lay down.
Pulled up the blanket.
Five seconds later, his phone's screen lit up again.
Raka opened Lara's chat again.
Still the same.
No new messages.
“Idiot.”
This time, the insult was directed at himself.
He put his phone far away on the bedside table.
If he kept holding it, he wouldn't get to sleep even by morning.
Raka closed his eyes.
One minute.
Two minutes.
Actually, all this time I've—
His eyes opened again.
“Shit.”
At 7:53 a.m., Raka had just entered the gates of Universitas Aksantara.
Class started in seven minutes.
His faculty building was about five minutes from the gate at a normal walking pace.
Which meant, in theory, he still had time.
In theory.
“RAKA!”
He stopped.
First mistake.
Raka turned and saw Sena running from the direction of the parking lot, his messenger bag nearly slipping off his shoulder.
“Wait!”
“I have class at eight!”
“So do I!”
“Then why do I have to wait for you?”
“Solidarity!”
Raka kept walking.
Sena caught up a few seconds later.
He was breathing hard.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Your face.”
Raka touched his face.
“Handsome?”
“Like a corpse that hasn't accepted its fate.”
“Didn't get enough sleep.”
“Gaming?”
“No.”
Sena glanced at him.
“Were you on the phone?”
“No.”
“Texting?”
Raka didn't answer.
Sena immediately grinned.
“Ohhh.”
“What the hell?”
“Lara?”
Raka stopped walking.
Second mistake.
Sena stopped too.
His grin widened.
“Lara.”
“Why Lara?”
“I haven't even said anything.”
“You just said Lara.”
“Yeah, but I didn't say why. You're the one who got defensive.”
Raka continued walking.
“You're annoying.”
Sena laughed as he followed.
“What time?”
“What time what?”
“The texting.”
“I wasn't texting.”
“Then?”
Raka hadn't initially intended to tell him anything.
The problem was, Sena was the kind of friend who kept asking until he got an answer. If he didn't get one, the guy would come up with his own theories, which were usually much more annoying.
“There was a deleted message.”
Sena immediately perked up.
“From Lara?”
“Yeah.”
“What did it say?”
“Don't know. It was deleted.”
“I know it was deleted, idiot. Did you get to read any of it before it was deleted?”
“Half.”
They had reached the front of the building.
Sena grabbed Raka's arm.
“Hold on.”
“We're late, Sen.”
“This is more important than education.”
“Everything's more important than education to you.”
“True. But keep going.”
Raka sighed.
“She wrote, ‘Actually, all this time I've—’ and then deleted it.”
Sena fell silent.
Raka looked at him.
“What?”
Sena was still silent.
Then a smile slowly appeared.
“Wow.”
“Wow what?”
“Wow.”
“Don't just say wow.”
Sena patted Raka on the shoulder.
“Congratulations.”
Raka frowned.
“Congratulations for what?”
“You're getting a girlfriend soon.”
Raka immediately swatted his hand away.
“Bullshit.”
“‘Actually, all this time I've—’ is already ninety percent a confession.”
“Could be anything.”
“Like what?”
“All this time I've… known you're an idiot.”
Sena stared at him blankly.
“At one in the morning?”
Raka fell silent.
“She stayed up late just to tell you you're an idiot?”
“Lara could.”
“All this time I've hated you?”
“Could be.”
“If she hated you, why would she text you every day?”
Raka was about to answer.
Then didn't.
Sena raised both eyebrows.
“Yeah.”
“Whatever.”
“You're happy, right?”
Raka snorted.
“Why should I be happy?”
“Because you like her.”
“Who says?”
“Everyone with eyes.”
“Sena.”
“Even the security guard at Gedung Samasta, probably.”
Raka shoved his friend's shoulder.
“Get to class.”
Sena laughed.
They were just about to walk when someone's voice came from behind them.
“Fighting this early in the morning?”
Raka recognized the voice before he even turned around.
Lara stood a few yards away.
Her light blue shirt was partially tucked into her black pants. Her long hair was tied low. She held a bottled drink in one hand and her phone in the other.
Her face looked normal.
Too normal.
As if she hadn't sent something the night before that left Raka with less than four hours of sleep.
Mirea stood beside Lara.
Mirea looked at Raka.
Then Lara.
Then Raka again.
The girl's gaze felt suspicious.
“Morning,” Sena said.
“Morning,” Lara replied.
Raka said nothing.
Lara finally looked at him.
“What?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
Raka slipped his hands into his pants pockets.
“I'm not.”
“Liar.”
“You're good at lying too.”
Lara froze for a fraction of a second.
Brief enough that no one else might have noticed.
But Raka saw it.
So did Mirea.
Sena held back a smile.
Lara took a sip of her drink.
“Are we still talking about that?”
“You still haven't answered.”
“I already told you it was sent to the wrong person.”
“Then when I asked whether it was actually for me or not, you ran away.”
“I went to sleep.”
“Your status was online five minutes later.”
Lara narrowed her eyes.
“Were you keeping tabs on me?”
“That isn't the point.”
“Kind of creepy, though.”
Sena covered his mouth, holding back a laugh.
Raka shot him a sharp look.
“Shut up.”
“I didn't say anything.”
Mirea finally cut in. “Don't you guys have class at eight?”
Raka checked the time.
7:59.
“Shit.”
Sena immediately took off running.
“HEY, WAIT!”
Raka chased after him.
But after a few steps, he stopped and turned around.
Lara was still standing in the same spot.
Their eyes met.
Raka pointed at her.
“We're not done.”
Lara raised one eyebrow.
“Not done with what?”
“Last night's chat.”
For a moment, there was no joke on Lara's face.
Her expression shifted into something Raka couldn't read.
Fear?
Nervousness?
Or was she just annoyed?
Then the expression disappeared.
Lara smiled faintly.
“If it's been deleted, it doesn't need to be discussed.”
Raka wanted to answer.
But Sena's voice rang out from the end of the hallway.
“RAKA! THE PROFESSOR'S ALREADY INSIDE!”
Raka swore and ran.
He didn't see Lara's smile slowly fade after he left.
He didn't see her lower her head and stare at her phone's screen.
He didn't see Mirea, who had been watching her all along.
“You really sent it?” Mirea asked softly.
Lara didn't answer.
She opened Raka's chat.
The deleted message still left its mark there.
This message was deleted.
Mirea moved a little closer.
“What were you going to say last night?”
Lara's thumb rested motionless above the screen.
Several seconds passed.
Then she locked her phone.
“It's not important.”
Mirea stared at her friend for a long moment.
“You always say it's not important whenever something matters too much to you.”
Lara fell silent.
In the distance, Raka had already disappeared behind the building's doors.
Lara looked in that direction.
Then she spoke so softly that her voice was almost drowned out by the crowd of students walking past them.
“Good thing I deleted it.”
“Why?”
Lara smiled.
This time, her smile didn't reach her eyes.
“Because if he had gotten to read it all the way through, everything would have changed.”
Mirea didn't ask anything else.
And Lara didn't say that the complete sentence that had briefly appeared on her phone the night before was—
Actually, all this time I've always hoped the person you liked was me.