Revan woke up at ten past six.
For a few seconds, he had no idea where he was. The guest room's ceiling looked unfamiliar, the pillow beneath his head was too firm, and the sound of footsteps downstairs reminded him that he wasn't in his apartment. He was in the home he'd spent five years trying to erase from his memory.
Then everything came rushing back.
Nadia. Bayu. Alya. The kitchen lit by yellow lights. A steaming bowl of instant noodles. And one simple word that had been circling in his head since last night.
Want to.
Nadia had said it with a smile when Revan offered to accompany her to campus. There was no special meaning behind the words. At least, not for Nadia. To Revan, that one word felt like an old door opening again after years of painstakingly keeping it locked.
He sat on the edge of the bed and pressed both palms to his face. The feeling was still there. It wasn't merely a memory, nor was it the ordinary affection one should feel for a sister-in-law. It had grown from the small acts of care Nadia never considered important but that Revan had always held far too deeply.
He wanted to blame time for changing nothing. He also wanted to blame this house for still holding the scent of jasmine, the sound of wooden floors, and the old habits that made him feel as though five years had never passed.
But deep down, Revan knew the person most deserving of blame was himself.
He had left before. He had tried to build a new life with Alya. He had even proposed to her, convinced that marriage would be the answer to all the chaos inside him. Alya had never forced him to forget anyone. She had simply loved him in a quiet, patient way that demanded very little.
That was precisely why Revan's guilt had only grown heavier.
“Mas Revan?”
Alya's voice came from behind the door.
Revan stood at once. “Yeah?”
“I'm up. Let's eat breakfast first. Auntie said she already prepared it.”
“Give me a minute.”
He took the shirt hanging from the chair and smoothed his hair as best he could. Before opening the door, Revan drew a deep breath. He couldn't let his face reveal what was happening inside his head.
In the dining room, Nadia was arranging the plates. Her hair was simply tied back, and she wore a light blue blouse. She looked fresher than she had the night before, though the dark circles beneath her eyes were still visible. The moment she saw Revan, she gave him a small smile.
“Already up? I thought you were still asleep.”
“I got enough sleep.”
“Good. Don't forget to drive me to campus later.”
Nadia said it as she spooned rice onto his plate. The gesture was so ordinary, but Revan felt his chest tighten again. He only nodded so he wouldn't say too much.
Alya sat beside him. “Nadia, sorry to trouble you. If there's public transportation, we can take ourselves.”
“It isn't a trouble,” Nadia replied. “My campus is on the way to the place Revan used to attend college. Besides, I only need to get one signature.”
Revan stared at his plate. He felt Alya watching him, even though she said nothing.
“Did you really go to college in this city, Mas Revan?” Alya asked.
“Yeah,” Nadia answered before Revan could speak. “He used to be late all the time because he took too long finishing his assignments.”
Revan let out a quiet laugh. “You still remember that?”
“I remember a lot of things.”
Her answer made the dining table suddenly feel much quieter.
Bayu appeared from the direction of the bedroom a few moments later. He was already dressed in his work shirt and carrying a black bag. He looked tired, but he smiled as soon as he saw Revan.
“My little brother is finally awake.”
“Bayu,” Revan greeted him.
Bayu patted him on the shoulder. “How did you sleep?”
“Like a log.”
“Good. You and Alya are still here today, right?”
Revan glanced at Alya. “We were planning to head home around noon.”
“If you have time, stay until late afternoon. I'd like to talk some more. Five years is a long time.”
Revan smiled. “We'll see.”
Bayu then turned to Nadia. “Did you get your campus documents ready?”
“Yeah. They're in my bag.”
“Don't forget to eat lunch. If you'll be home late, let me know.”
Nadia nodded. “Yeah.”
Their conversation was simple. There were no romantic words, no excessive touches. Yet that very simplicity made Revan realize that Bayu and Nadia had built something he had never been able to give any woman: a life that unfolded day by day, complete with small acts of care that never needed to be announced.
After Bayu left, Nadia picked up her bag. She checked its contents several times, making sure she hadn't forgotten her documents, pen, or wallet.
“If you're ready, let's go,” Revan said.
Alya stood. “Should I come?”
Nadia answered immediately, “Of course. We can talk along the way.”
The three of them left the house. The morning sun wasn't too hot yet, but the air already carried the scent of wet earth. In the yard, the jasmine flowers swayed gently in the breeze. Revan paused for a moment when he saw them, then hurried after Nadia toward the car.
Nadia took the front passenger seat. Alya chose to sit in the back. That small decision made Revan tighten his grip on the steering wheel.
Throughout the drive, Nadia pointed out the roads and places that had changed. The grocery store near the intersection had become a coffee shop. The field where Revan used to play soccer was now lined with rows of shop houses. Even the bus stop where they used to wait had been moved several yards from its original location.
“So much has changed,” Revan said.
“It has. This city keeps moving even when we leave.”
Revan glanced at her. “Do you think I was gone too long?”
Nadia didn't answer right away. She looked out the window, watching the buildings pass by like fragments of the past.
“I was worried,” she finally said. “You left without much explanation back then.”
“I just wanted to find a new life.”
“And did you find it?”
The question didn't sound accusatory. Precisely because she asked it so gently, Revan found it harder to answer.
“I found a lot of things,” he said. “But not all of them were necessarily what I was looking for.”
Nadia looked at him. Their eyes met for a moment before she turned her attention back to the road.
“Don't talk like someone who hasn't made peace with his past,” she said softly.
Revan gave a hollow smile. “Doesn't everyone have a past?”
“They do. But not everyone carries it into their new life.”
The words left Revan silent. In the rearview mirror, he saw Alya lower her head. She pretended to be busy checking her phone, but Revan knew she'd heard their conversation.
The drive, which had seemed short at first, suddenly felt far too long.
In front of the campus building, Nadia asked Revan to pull over. She opened the door, then turned to Alya.
“I might be a while. You can wait at the coffee shop across the street.”
Alya smiled. “It's okay. We'll wait.”
Nadia looked at Revan for a long moment. “Van, thanks for driving me.”
“You don't have to thank me.”
“I do.”
Nadia got out and walked toward the faculty building. Revan watched until she disappeared behind the glass doors.
“Do you still love her?”
Alya's question made Revan freeze.
He didn't turn to her right away. The traffic and honking around them seemed to fade, as though they were at the end of a long hallway.
“Alya—”
“I didn't ask to scold you.” Alya's voice remained calm, but her eyes were beginning to glisten. “I just want to know, so I don't keep building a future with someone whose heart is still somewhere else.”
Revan turned off the engine.
“I love you,” he said.
“I know.”
“If you know, why ask?”
“Because loving me and forgetting Nadia are two different things.”
Revan lowered his head. There was no defense strong enough to deny it.
Alya rubbed her fingertips together. “All this time, I've tried not to compare myself to her. I thought that if I were patient enough, kind enough, and loved you enough, someday you'd see me completely.”
“I see you.”
“No, Mas. You see my kindness. You see my patience. But I'm not sure you see me as Alya, rather than as someone who can help you run from your feelings for Nadia.”
Revan felt his chest cave in.
He wanted to say that Alya wasn't a rebound. He wanted to remind her of all the journeys they'd taken, all the nights Alya had waited for him to come home, all the plans they'd made together. But those words felt dishonest if they were being used to cover up the truth that Nadia still had a place in his heart.
“I'm sorry,” Revan said.
Alya let out a short, bitter laugh. “I haven't asked you to apologize.”
“Then what do I need to do?”
“Be honest.”
Before Revan could answer, Nadia's phone rang. Her name appeared on the car's display through the phone connection. Revan stared at it for several seconds, as though the call carried two choices he couldn't possibly take at the same time.
Alya looked at the screen, then closed her eyes.
“Answer it,” she said.
Revan accepted the call.
“Van?” Nadia's voice came from the other end. “Are you still in front of the campus?”
“Yeah.”
“I just finished. Can you pick me up now?”
Revan looked at Alya. She turned her face toward the window.
“Sure,” he answered.
“Thanks. I'll wait in the lobby.”
The call ended.
For a while, neither of them spoke.
Alya straightened her bag. “I'm going to wait at the coffee shop. Go pick up Nadia.”
“Don't go.”
“I'm not going far. I just want to give you a chance to listen to your heart without me sitting beside you.”
Revan caught Alya's hand as she reached for the door.
“Alya, I don't want to lose you.”
Alya looked at him with a sad smile. “That's the problem, Mas. You don't want to lose me, but you also aren't ready to let go of your feelings for Nadia.”
She got out of the car.
Revan remained behind the wheel. On one side, Nadia was waiting for him in the campus lobby. On the other, Alya walked away, her steps trying to look steady.
For the first time, Revan realized that all this time, he hadn't been searching for an answer. He had only been putting off a choice and hoping time would choose a path for him.
But time never chose anything for anyone.
Time only brought everything hidden back to the surface.
Revan got out of the car. He was about to chase Alya, but his steps stopped when he saw Nadia standing in front of the lobby. She waved with a small smile, the same smile she'd given him at the breakfast table that morning.
Students streamed past behind Nadia. Ahead of him, Alya was getting farther away.
Revan stood between two directions, while his heart was empty and full all at once.
Nadia walked closer. “What's wrong?”
Revan looked at her face. There were so many things he wanted to say, but not one of them deserved to leave his mouth.
“It's nothing,” he answered.
Nadia studied his face. “You look pale.”
“I just didn't get enough sleep.”
“Then we'll go home later. You need to rest.”
She took Revan's arm in a simple gesture of concern. The touch didn't last long, but it was enough to trap Revan once more in the feelings he'd spent so long denying.
In the distance, Alya stopped and looked back.
Their eyes met.
Revan wanted to call out to her. He wanted to run after her and explain everything. But Nadia was still standing beside him, her hand still wrapped around Revan's arm like someone who trusted that she was safe there.
At last, Alya turned away.
That was when Revan understood something he'd avoided all this time: not every wound appeared because someone intended to hurt anyone. Sometimes, wounds were born from doubts left unattended for too long.
And that morning, Revan's doubts began demanding a price.
Nadia led him toward the car. Revan followed with heavy steps. Behind them, Alya's silhouette disappeared into the crowd of students.
Meanwhile, inside Revan's chest, the feeling he'd thought was dead began to beat again—not as hope, but as a mistake that would soon destroy more than one life.