No matter how I turned my head this way and that, there were things piled high over the boxes. Scattered here and there, they reflected Inseon's freewheeling personality.
The studio had six pyeong of actual floor space. With a five-million-won deposit and monthly rent of 350,000 won, it was hopelessly cramped for the volume of my twenty-six years.
I took down the clear PVC six-ring planner and three thick zippered sticker books that had claimed a substantial section of the bookshelf. After wiping away the layer of pale dust with a wet wipe, the holographic glitter on the ring binder cover shone under the fluorescent light with the same brilliance it had held over a decade ago.
Click, click.
I spread a sheet of white drawing paper in front of the palm-sized window that got the most sunlight in the room and took some pictures.
> [For Sale] Vintage Holographic Six-Ring Planner Complete Set + 3 Sticker Books as a Bundle (Includes Lots of Planner Inserts) > * Keepsakes I've treasured and collected since I was a child. > * Packed with rare vintage stickers, including 3D embossed stickers, epoxy stickers, and die-cut stickers. > * The planner inserts are brand-new and completely unused. > * In-person pickup: Convenience store in front of the Yeonhui-dong underpass / Hoping for a smooth, respectful transaction. > * Price: 12,000 won
After posting the listing and hitting the Done button, a cheerful orange rabbit sprang up across my smartphone screen.
I gripped the planner's thick metal rings and pulled them hard in opposite directions. With a bright yet weighty metallic clack, the rings opened. That sound whisked me away in an instant to the back row of a fourth-grade classroom, when I was eleven.
Back then, the girls' social status in our class was determined not by the size of their pencil cases or their new sneakers, but by the thickness of the six-ring planners in their bags. After school, we'd huddle together by the little displays tucked into the corners of Morning Glory or Alpha Stationery in front of the school, choosing the most dazzling planner inserts we could buy with our 500-won allowances. Grid inserts, pink character inserts, translucent tracing paper…
“Inseon, if you give me one of these, I'll give you three sheets of Mister K letter paper!”
During every break, the girls would spread their planners wide open and engage in the most serious barter in the world. But even though I freely handed planner inserts to other people, I couldn't bring myself to write a single line in my own planner's first page. It was too precious to use.
“I'll write once my handwriting gets a little better.”
“I'll save the first page for when a truly special, wonderful day comes along.”
The “special day” I kept putting off never came—not once—not through the changing of grades, entering middle school, taking the college entrance exam, and finally becoming trapped in this cramped studio under the title of job seeker.
The sticker books were no different. Epoxy stickers that puffed up plumply when stuck to the back of my hand, scratch-and-sniff stickers that gave off a faint strawberry scent when rubbed, dress-up stickers with gleaming silver-foil borders. The stickers I'd carefully preserved without even tearing open their plastic, afraid their adhesive would wear out, had now aged so much that they looked ready to crumble if I pressed them with a finger.
In the end, I'd become an adult without ever fully using the precious things I'd spent my whole life saving. My mother's long-ago nagging finally echoed in my ears: If you save it forever, it'll end up useless. Without getting rid of these heavy memories filling one corner of the room, it would be hard to secure even a single meal or a little space to breathe for the me who had to face tomorrow.
Bzzzt—bzzzt—
Just then, a familiar, crisp notification tone rang through the narrow room along with an orange alert window.
[Carrot!]
> Clover (manner score 36.5°C): Excuse me, can an elementary school student buy this? I got my allowance today! >
Her profile picture was a crookedly drawn rabbit in crayon. The cautious hope clinging to the end of every sentence made the corners of my dried-up mouth lift into a small smile before I knew it.
> Inseon: Of course! Take your time and be careful on your way out. I'll be sitting on the bench in front of the convenience store. >
I zipped my puffer jacket all the way to my neck and headed down the alley, dragging my slides. Beneath the Yeonhui-dong underpass, the late-afternoon shade was chilly. The shopping bag in my hand was heavy. Just as heavy as the thickness of a dozen years compressed inside it, a strange emptiness seeped into one corner of my heart like cold wind.
I was sitting on the convenience store's umbrella-shaded bench, blowing warm breath onto my hands, when a girl wearing a fur hat with a yellow pom-pom came skipping toward me in the distance. The pink backpack on her back jounced with every step. She looked around the bench, then her eyes went round when she spotted the large shopping bag in my hand.
“Um… are you Maywood?”
Her voice was cautious but clear.
“Yeah, that's me. Are you Clover?”
“Yes!”
As if she'd been waiting for this moment, the girl rummaged through the front pocket of her bag and pulled out twelve neatly folded thousand-won bills. They looked as though she'd pressed them flat with her palm, not a single crease in sight.
“Here! This is my Lunar New Year gift money and the money I saved from doing chores this week. It's really 12,000 won, right?”
I accepted the bills, opened the shopping bag, and took out the planner and sticker books to show her. A soft “Wow…” escaped her lips. She very carefully ran her fingertip over the holographic cover, touching it as if it were a fragile piece of glasswork.
“It's so pretty…. It's really packed with stickers. Are you really selling all of this to me?”
“Of course. It's all yours. Do you like it?”
“Yes! All my classmates have been bringing their planners to school lately because they're doing diary decorating, but mine was so thin, and it made me sad. But this one… it's the thickest in the whole world!”
Looking into her sparkling eyes, I suddenly remembered the anxiety of my own childhood. The pristine planner inserts I'd left untouched for over a decade because they were too precious and I was afraid I wouldn't make them perfect. I bent down to meet her at eye level and spoke gently.
“Clover, there's one rule you have to remember when you use this planner.”
“A rule?”
She blinked, looking nervous.
“You don't have to write neatly. It's okay if you put the stickers on crooked or accidentally doodle on the page. Don't keep saving it because you think it's too precious to use later. Fill it up every single day with anything and everything—even what happened today or the name of a tasty snack you ate. Got it?”
The girl thought carefully about what I'd said, then broke into a wide smile and nodded.
“Yes! As soon as I get home, I'm going to write about eating tteokbokki today! And I'm going to stick the shiniest epoxy sticker right on the first page!”
At her spirited answer, the heavy lump resting on my heart seemed to melt away. I took out the two Chupa Chups candies I'd brought along and placed them in her small hands.
“These are a bonus. It's cold, so be careful on your way home!”
“Thank you! I'll use the planner beautifully for the rest of my life!”
I watched for a long while as the girl skipped down the alley, her yellow pom-pom beanie bobbing. The twelve bills in my hand had been warmed to lukewarm by the heat transferred from her small palms.
Back in the five-pyeong studio, a palm-sized square of empty space had appeared in the corner of the bookshelf where the planner and sticker books had been. A single ray of the afternoon's last sunlight slanted down onto the spot where the dust had been cleared away.
I'd sent something precious off into the world, yet strangely, the air in the room felt much lighter. I gently brushed my fingertips over the empty space on the bookshelf. A sense of relief washed over me: part of my time, frozen because I'd done nothing but save it, had finally begun a real story in someone else's hands.
Bzzzt—
A Carrot Market transaction review notification appeared on my smartphone screen.
> Clover (manner score 37.0°C) > ❝You're so kind, and the stickers and planner are the best! I already finished writing my tteokbokki diary entry! (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤❞ >
I snorted softly as I looked at the screen. I'd only cleared out the first item, but it felt as though a little breathing hole had opened wide in this cramped room, giving me room to live through tomorrow.