Hi, my name is Irshanty Aysanna Putri. You can call me Irsha.
People say I'm strange. But maybe that's because I have a habit of talking, yet when no one listens, I choose to stay quiet.
Besides being quiet, I also tend to be indifferent to the people around me. My dream is to make both my parents happy. Unfortunately, that feels like nothing more than a fantasy if I don't work hard, right?
So every day, I think about what will happen in the future, along with all the efforts I make each day.
Ever since junior high school, I've been expected to excel. That's what Dad wanted from me.
Ugh, how annoying.
I was constantly compared to others, as though the people I was compared with were always right.
I let out a long sigh.
The room felt so quiet.
Afternoon light slipped through the gap in the curtains and fell faintly across the floor. My phone lay beside my pillow, while the screen I'd been staring at slowly went dark.
I closed my eyes.
My three best friends were probably busy with their own plans.
And for the first time, I felt like I was the only one being left behind.
I knew I wasn't truly alone.
But sometimes feelings refuse to listen to logic.
I pulled my knees to my chest.
“What am I supposed to do?”
Oh, right—enjoy my work and Irsha's story.
Irshanty Aysanna Putri—call me Irsha. I'm eighteen years old. Well, I'll be nineteen next month, heh.
I'm the second of two children, and I have an older sister. There's a six-year age gap between us. So you could say she's probably getting married this year.
Okay, being the younger child has its perks, but it can be sad too. The good thing is that I have a friend at home. The bad thing is that we fight all the time.
It's not exactly pleasant. I have three best friends, but I feel like I don't have any.
That sounds a little selfish, I know. But as an antisocial person—not that I'm proud of it—I just feel that way.
I graduate from high school this year. A few months ago, I experienced what it was like to face so many exams and academic evaluations. So let's calm our minds for a while.
My brain is busy thinking about what I'll do next. I've voiced and thought about far too many expectations.
And instead of calming my mind, they only give me a headache. It feels like just yesterday I imagined that I'd succeed by taking this path.
But reality slapped me in the face. It turned out that what I'd wanted all this time was nothing more than a fantasy. I don't know what I'll be like in the future. I could probably achieve it by taking another path, but I'm feeling what it's like to be worn out.
I'm tired of hoping. Maybe this is simply the path meant for me.
Among my friends, I'm the only one who wasn't accepted into college. Disappointed? Of course. Anyone would feel disappointed when they didn't get the results they'd expected.
Today, I sat silently in a dimly lit room. My eyes stared ahead while the thoughts in my mind danced here and there, thinking about everything.
Should I look for another path?
Or...
Should I stop hoping? Should I stop trying?
I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm already too tired to keep thinking about the future.
Aaakhhh, this is going to be so difficult.
My love's Hijrah strengthens my reason To become a better human being But when His light comes to take me away How could I possibly run?
I have to leave all this love behind And if I meet Him someday, I will ask Bring us back, unite us once more In Your heaven, O Allah
(Rossa - Hijrah Cinta)
The song echoed through my room and made me realize that what I had been doing was wrong. I so often neglected the obligations I was supposed to fulfill every day, and failed to cover what I was supposed to cover, such as my awrah. That made me resolve to change everything I had yet to perfect.