Dohwa slumped down onto the bathroom floor.
There was no strength in her legs. No—her legs were too long. Even sitting down, her knees came up to the height of the sink. What was this? What the hell was this?
She looked at her hands. They were a man's hands—large, with thick knuckles. The pale pink polish was gone from her nails. Yeonwoo had painted them yesterday.
"It's a dream. It has to be a dream."
Her voice rumbled low again. It sounded like it hadn't come from her, but it had come from her mouth. Dohwa covered her face with both hands. Her jawline was sharp. There was no softness in her cheeks. Her nose was high and straight. None of it was her face.
She slapped her cheek. It hurt. This wasn't a dream.
She slapped it again. It hurt even more. It still wasn't a dream.
"...I'm losing it."
Dohwa crawled her way back to her room. She found her phone. It had fallen under the bed. When she turned on the screen, Face ID wouldn't unlock it. Of course it didn't. This face had never been registered.
She entered her passcode—the four digits of Yeonwoo's birthday. The screen unlocked.
There was one KakaoTalk notification.
Yeonwoo: Dohwa, did you get home okay yesterday?
It was nine-thirty in the morning. Two hours ago. Dohwa started typing a reply, then stopped. What was she supposed to say? I turned into a man? How could she say something that sounded completely insane?
She set down her phone and opened the closet. Her clothes were still hanging inside. They were all women's clothes. Of course they were. She'd been a woman until yesterday.
She pulled out the biggest T-shirt she owned and put it on. It only came down to her belly button. The pants wouldn't even get past her thighs.
"Jeez..."
Dohwa stood there blankly for a long time before finding a pair of sweatpants in the back of the closet—the ones she'd worn when she moved last year. They had originally been bought oversized, so she barely managed to pull them up. She threw on a hoodie over them. The zipper only came up to the middle of her chest, but there was nothing she could do about it.
She looked in the mirror again. A 190-centimeter-tall man stood there awkwardly dressed in women's clothes. It was pitiful. Pitiful, and yet his face was handsome. That was even stranger.
She opened the front door and stepped outside. She needed to go to the convenience store. First, she had to buy men's clothes. Wait, did convenience stores even sell men's clothes? She had no idea. She just had to get out first.
On the stairs, she ran into the woman from the apartment upstairs.
"Oh my, who are you?"
"Oh, I, uh..."
"Are you Dohwa from downstairs's boyfriend, by any chance?"
"What? Oh, no. I'm just a relative. A relative."
The woman looked her up and down. At the 190-centimeter-tall man wearing a women's hoodie and women's sweatpants. Her eyes filled with suspicion.
Dohwa lowered her head and ran down the stairs.
At the convenience store, she bought a black T-shirt and gray sweats. Luckily, they had men's sizes. She changed in the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Even in convenience-store clothes, she looked like she belonged in a model's photoshoot. With shoulders that broad, anything would look good on her.
"...Is this really me?"
The man in the mirror moved his lips in exactly the same way. She couldn't get used to it. She didn't want to get used to it.
Back home, she sat on the bed. She needed to sort out her thoughts. She'd drunk last night. With Yeonwoo. She'd cursed Jin Woobin. She'd drunk a lot of soju. And she'd said, If I were a man, I'd treat you better.
Could it be because of that?
That was ridiculous. What kind of world turned drunken ramblings into reality?
Then again, becoming a man was just as ridiculous.
Dohwa picked up her phone. She typed “cases of suddenly changing genders” into the search bar. All that came up were novels and comics. She tried “dream interpretation: turning into a man,” too. It said it meant a new beginning. What new beginning? This was the end of the world.
After searching for a long time, Dohwa stopped. There was no way a search could give her an answer. This wasn't a hospital matter, and it wasn't a police matter either. What was she supposed to say at a hospital? I was a woman until yesterday, but today I'm a man?
Then something came to mind. A place her grandmother had taken her to in high school. The shaman's house where she'd gone for a shamanic ritual to help her do well on her exams.
Dohwa searched through her phone until she found her grandmother's number. Then she called.
"Grandma, it's Dohwa."
"Dohwa? Why does your voice sound like that? Did you catch a cold?"
"Yeah, a cold. Grandma, you know that shaman you took me to a long time ago? Do you still have her number?"
"That shaman? Why all of a sudden?"
"I just have something I need to ask her about."
Her grandmother sounded puzzled, but she gave Dohwa the number. Dohwa called right away.
"Hello, I'd like to make an appointment."
"We have an opening at three today. Can you come in?"
"Yes, I'll be there."
After hanging up, she looked at the clock. One o'clock. Two hours to go.
Dohwa picked up her phone again. Yeonwoo's KakaoTalk message caught her eye.
Yeonwoo: Dohwa, did you get home okay yesterday?
She had to reply. If she didn't, Yeonwoo would worry. Dohwa typed as normally as she could.
Dohwa: Yeah, I got home okay lol The hangover is brutal Yeonwoo: lol I know, right? Who told you to drink that much? Dohwa: I'm feeling kind of sick today, so I'll stay home. I'll talk to you later Yeonwoo: Okay, get plenty of rest
Dohwa turned her phone facedown. Her chest felt tight. It wasn't the first time she'd lied to Yeonwoo. Hiding her feelings for her was a lie, too. But this was on an entirely different level.
She looked in the mirror one more time. A man with wolf-like eyes was staring back at her, his face full of anxiety.
"...Please let this be a dream."
Even though she already knew it wasn't a dream, Dohwa murmured those words anyway.