Our brains tend to remember negative events more strongly than positive ones.
The reason isn't simply that we're pessimistic. Our minds work in a way that protects us from possible dangers. In the past, failing to notice a danger could have come at a very high cost. In humanity's earliest days, you can think of eating a poisonous plant or being eaten by a dinosaur. That's why our brains may be inclined to pay more attention to negative experiences and remember them in a more lasting way. And because our brains haven't evolved at the same pace as we have in this evolved world, they still continue to remember and replay all the negativity in order to protect us.
Under a post I wrote about remembering on a social media account, a user commented, “We don't forget the bad things people say to us, either.” In fact, the reason may be similar. Hurtful words may lead us to believe that we've done something wrong and that our lives are in danger, which can cause us to remember those words.
Maybe that's why you can forget ten wonderful things someone says to you, yet remember a single hurtful sentence for years. Hurtful words don't just hurt us in the moment they're spoken; by replaying themselves over and over in our minds, they can grow even more powerful. At the same time, we don't keep thinking about the good things. We share our joy in that moment and leave the thought there.
From another perspective, there's a very good chance you've experienced this not only in life generally, but also within your family or friendships. Even if you have a very good relationship with your mother or father, they may say one thing, and despite how good the relationship is, you may remember the hurtful words more.
To give an example from my own life: when I was a third-year medical student, my father came to the city where I was studying and decided to stay with us for a few days. He got angry at me for reading books, and then we started arguing. He said to me, “‘If you can't become a doctor, you'll never amount to anything.’” The thoughts that went through my mind were, “He never loved me anyway. He thought my older brother was more valuable. He sees me as trash.” And yet, he had bought a sandwich maker for the house and had taken it to school for me several times.
In psychology, this tendency is called negativity bias. However, that doesn't mean everyone will remember bad things in the same way. The impression an event leaves on us can vary depending on the intensity of the emotion we experienced, the meaning the event held for us, and how often we think about it. In fact, if you choose to stay in the present instead of dwelling on that bad, negative moment, its effect will diminish even further. For example, at work, some doctor colleagues I don't like constantly try to bully me. No matter how much this upsets me, I try to find the positive sides of the same situation. In fact, if I have the opportunity, I take out a pen and paper and try to write down at least thirty benefits. This way, I realize that the thing upsetting me isn't actually as bad as it seems.
It's important to know this.
Because the memory that first comes to mind isn't always the whole story of what you've experienced. Sometimes your brain is simply trying to protect you from possible dangers. So when you evaluate your past, don't forget to make room not only for the memories that hurt you the most, but also for the beautiful moments that quietly happened and passed. Or, whenever you think you've experienced a negative event, I want you to think about the ways that event benefited you.
Today, you can ask yourself this question:
“When I think about my past, do I remember only the moments that hurt me, or am I also giving enough space to the memories that made me feel good?”
Note: Negativity bias is a general psychological tendency; everyone's memories, emotions, and way of remembering are different. This section is not a diagnosis or a treatment recommendation.