Chapter 1
Writing
Chapter One: Do You Remember?
At 12:47 a.m., only three people were left in the campus library.
More precisely, two people and one person who no longer knew whether he counted as a person.
Lin Mo sat by the window with an original-language textbook spread open in front of him, thick enough to use as a weapon. A cup of cold black coffee sat on the table.
He had been sitting there since seven that evening.
He had turned twenty-three pages.
He had probably actually absorbed only three of them.
The rest of the time, he had been staring at the same problem.
It wasn't even a difficult problem.
At least, that's what the professor had said in class: "This tests basic concepts. It won't be too hard on the exam."
Lin Mo had thought he understood it at the time, too.
But now, after staring at the problem for ten minutes, there was only one thought in his head.
—What am I even doing?
He picked up his phone and checked the time.
00:47.
There were three unread messages on the screen.
The first was from Mom.
"The weather's getting colder. Remember to wear more layers."
The second was from the class group chat.
Someone had sent a screenshot showing that they'd been accepted through early graduate school admission.
"Guys, I got in!!!"
A string of congratulatory stickers followed.
The third was from someone he hadn't been in contact with for three years.
There was only one sentence.
"Do you remember how we used to say that, at twenty-two, we had to be living the life we wanted?"
Lin Mo's hand stopped over the screen.
For a moment, he even thought he had read it wrong.
He read the message again.
He hadn't read it wrong.
He hadn't read the name wrong, either.
Su Yan.
It had been a long time since he'd seen that name anywhere in his life.
Long enough that he had originally thought he no longer cared.
But it was strange.
When those two characters appeared on the screen, his heart still gave a slight squeeze.
Like someone suddenly pushing open a door that had been closed for a very long time.
There was no light inside.
Only dust.
And someone he had thought he'd already forgotten.
Lin Mo and Su Yan first met during their freshman year.
Back then, they both thought twenty-two was a long way off.
At eighteen, people always felt that twenty-two was already some kind of mature adult.
They'd have a job.
Money.
A place of their own.
Maybe even a steady partner.
Back then, they had sat outside the convenience store by the back gate, each holding a drink that cost a little over ten dollars, discussing who they would be four years later.
Su Yan had asked him:
"What kind of person do you want to be at twenty-two?"
Lin Mo had thought for a long time.
"I don't know."
"Then there's got to be something you want to do, right?"
"There is."
"What?"
He hadn't answered.
Su Yan had laughed.
"You do this every time."
"Do what?"
"The second someone asks about the future, you play dead."
Lin Mo had laughed, too.
"What about you?"
"Me?"
She had looked up at the school buildings in the distance.
"I want to go to a lot of places."
"Like?"
"Japan, Europe, New Zealand... I just want to go see them."
"And then?"
"Then I'll know what I actually want."
Su Yan had said it as if it were obvious.
As if all they had to do was walk out into the world, and the answer would appear on its own.
Only later did Lin Mo learn that life wasn't like that.
There were places you went.
People you met.
Things you really did.
And still, you wouldn't know what you actually wanted.
And the most frightening part was—
You might even start wondering if you were the only one who didn't know.
"Ding."
His phone vibrated again.
Lin Mo came back to himself.
Su Yan had sent another message.
"Are you asleep?"
He stared at those three words for a long time.
He didn't know how to answer.
If he said, "Not yet," it would sound like he'd been waiting for her.
If he said, "I'm asleep," it would obviously be a lie.
In the end, he typed only one line.
"Not yet."
The message was marked read.
A few seconds later:
"You're still studying?"
"Yeah."
"Still the same as before."
Lin Mo looked at the message, and the corner of his mouth twitched faintly.
He didn't know what she meant.
The Lin Mo he'd been before?
The one who skipped class every day to play basketball, wandered around outside until three in the morning, and believed that if he worked hard enough, he could get anything he wanted?
Or the one who had confidently told her:
"I'm definitely going to do what I love someday."
That version of himself?
Lin Mo lowered his head and looked at the book on the table.
It was for the graduate school entrance exam.
He had been preparing for it for six months.
More precisely, he'd been doing the act of "preparing for it for six months."
The time he'd spent studying efficiently was probably only half of that.
He'd spent the other half worrying that he wasn't studying enough.
Every morning when he woke up, he told himself that today he'd take it seriously.
By night, he told himself he'd start tomorrow instead.
That was how the days went.
One tomorrow after another.
Until one day, he suddenly realized—
There weren't many tomorrows left.
"Are you really going to take the graduate school entrance exam?"
Su Yan suddenly asked.
Lin Mo froze for a moment.
"Yeah."
"Why?"
He stared at the screen.
He'd been asked that question many times.
By professors.
By his parents.
By his classmates.
He had even asked himself.
Every time, he had an answer that sounded reasonable.
"I want to keep studying."
"Graduate school makes it easier to find a job."
"With the way things are now, having another degree gives me more security."
But if someone asked him for the real reason...
He didn't know.
Or rather, he didn't dare say.
Because the real answer might be ugly.
He was just afraid.
Afraid to graduate.
Afraid to leave school.
Afraid that everyone else would start moving forward while he had no direction.
So he chose to keep hiding out here.
As long as he was still a student, he could temporarily avoid answering the question, "What do you actually want to do?"
He typed:
"I don't know."
After a moment, he added another line.
"Everyone's taking it."
Su Yan didn't reply right away.
Nearly a minute passed before she finally sent:
"You weren't like this before."
Lin Mo looked at the message and suddenly felt irritated.
He set his phone facedown on the table.
Not because she was wrong.
Precisely because she was right.
Rain began falling outside the window.
Fine drops tapped against the glass, turning the teaching building across the way into a blur of light.
Only the sound of keyboards remained in the campus library.
Every now and then, someone turned a page.
The air conditioner gave off a low hum.
Lin Mo suddenly remembered something.
Today was October 17.
It was also the day they'd made their promise all those years ago.
When they were eighteen, they had written a note.
There was only one sentence on it.
"When we're twenty-two, no matter what we've become, we have to see each other again."
He had later tucked the note inside a book.
He'd come across it while moving dorms during his sophomore year.
He had laughed for a long time then.
Then he'd shoved the note back inside.
He'd thought it was just the kind of promise young people made easily.
Not many people actually remembered promises like that.
He hadn't expected Su Yan to remember.
"Why did you suddenly ask about this?"
He sent the message.
This time, she replied quickly.
"Because today is October 17."
Lin Mo's breath caught for a moment.
He looked up.
The rain outside had grown heavier.
"You remember."
"I've always remembered."
He didn't reply.
It wasn't that he didn't know what to say.
He didn't know what tone to use.
Three years earlier, when they had gone their separate ways, they hadn't fought.
There had been no betrayal.
No one had done anything wrong.
It was just that one day, they suddenly realized their lives had started moving in different directions.
She was going abroad.
He had to prepare for an exam.
She had her own life.
He had his own things to deal with, too.
At first, they still chatted every day.
Then it became once a week.
Later, once a month.
Eventually, they stopped even wishing each other a happy holiday.
Sometimes Lin Mo thought that maybe this was simply how things were between people.
Something momentous didn't have to happen.
A lot of relationships only needed two people to slowly get busier.
Busy enough that, in the end, even missing each other seemed unnecessary.
At 1:23 a.m., Lin Mo packed up his books.
He decided not to study anymore that night.
Not because he had finished.
Because he suddenly realized he couldn't absorb anything right now.
He walked out of the campus library.
The rain had already stopped.
The campus was quiet.
The streetlights stretched his shadow long across the ground.
He didn't go straight back to the dorm.
Instead, he took a detour to the back gate.
The convenience store by the back gate was still open.
Three years had passed.
The store was still there.
So was the table outside.
Only the person who used to sit there was gone.
Lin Mo bought a can of coffee and sat down against the wall.
His phone vibrated again.
"Where are you?"
He replied:
"At school."
"Where?"
"The convenience store by the back gate."
The other person was silent for a long time.
Then she sent:
"That used to be my favorite place."
Lin Mo smiled.
"I know."
The next second, Su Yan sent another message:
"Would you still sit at that table if you went there now?"
Lin Mo looked up at the table in front of him.
"I would."
"Then wait for me."
He froze.
"What?"
No more messages appeared.
Lin Mo stared at his phone.
One minute.
Two minutes.
Five minutes.
He began to wonder if he had misunderstood her.
Then the convenience store's automatic doors suddenly opened.
The bell above the door rang once.
"Jingle."
A girl walked in.
She was wearing a dark coat, and her hair was a little longer than he remembered.
She stood at the entrance and looked around first.
Finally, her gaze landed on him.
Lin Mo didn't move.
In that moment, he suddenly didn't know what to say.
Three years earlier, he had imagined their reunion many times.
Sometimes at a train station.
Sometimes on the street.
Sometimes in a completely unfamiliar city.
He had imagined himself saying naturally:
"Long time no see."
Then the two of them would smile.
But now that he was actually seeing her, there was only one sentence left in his mind.
—So she really is still herself.
Su Yan walked over to him.
She sat down across from him.
"Long time no see."
Lin Mo nodded.
"Long time no see."
They both smiled a little.
But neither of them spoke.
The television inside the convenience store was playing an advertisement that had probably already been rerun countless times.
Cars passed by outside every now and then.
The awkwardness wasn't unpleasant.
Instead, it carried a strange sense of familiarity.
Like two people who had once known each other extremely well suddenly learning how to talk to each other again.
After a while, Su Yan asked:
"Have you been doing okay lately?"
Lin Mo had been about to answer, "I'm fine."
It was the safest answer.
It was also the answer adults were most accustomed to giving.
But when the words reached his lips, he suddenly changed them.
"No."
Su Yan froze for a moment.
"What's wrong?"
Lin Mo looked at the coffee on the table.
"I don't know."
"You don't know what?"
"I don't know what I'm even doing."
After saying it aloud, he suddenly felt lighter.
Like something that had been pressing on his chest for a long time had finally been lifted, if only a little.
Su Yan didn't comfort him.
She only looked at him.
"Are you still going to take the graduate school entrance exam?"
"I don't know."
"Then what do you want to do?"
"I don't know."
She smiled a little.
"You've really changed a lot."
Lin Mo gave a bitter laugh.
"Didn't you say I wasn't like this before?"
"Yeah."
She lowered her head and took a sip of water.
"At least the old you dared to say you didn't know."
"And now?"
"Now you don't know, but you pretend you do every day."
Lin Mo fell silent.
He suddenly felt that the words were cruel.
Because they were too accurate.
Su Yan looked out the window.
"Honestly, I'm not doing much better than you."
"Didn't you go to Japan?"
"I did."
"Didn't you have a great time?"
She smiled.
"How would you know?"
Lin Mo didn't answer.
Because she really did look like she was doing great in her social media posts.
Trips.
Friends.
A new city.
A new life.
There was sunshine in every photo.
She was smiling in every single one.
Lin Mo had seen them before.
He had just never liked any of them.
Su Yan suddenly said:
"Those are the things I wanted other people to see."
Lin Mo looked at her.
"What about the things you didn't photograph?"
She didn't answer.
After a long time, she finally said:
"Sometimes I wonder if I've just been running away this whole time."
"Running from what?"
"From not knowing what I want."
They both laughed.
This time, it was a real laugh.
It turned out that after three years, neither of them had become the adults they'd imagined at eighteen.
They had only gotten better at pretending.
Pretending to be busy.
Pretending to be mature.
Pretending to have direction.
Pretending they didn't miss each other.
Pretending they had no regrets.
At 2:06 a.m., Su Yan prepared to leave.
She stood and pulled her coat closed.
"I have to leave tomorrow morning."
"Where are you going?"
"Back."
"Oh."
Lin Mo didn't know why he suddenly felt a little disappointed.
Su Yan took two steps, then stopped.
"Lin Mo."
"Yeah?"
"Do you remember that note we wrote?"
He nodded.
"I remember."
"Do you still have it?"
Lin Mo was silent for a moment.
"Probably."
"Not probably."
She looked at him.
"Go find it."
"Why?"
"I want to know how different the twenty-two-year-old versions of us are from the eighteen-year-old versions."
With that, she left.
The automatic doors opened again.
"Jingle."
Lin Mo stayed where he was.
He didn't pick up his phone until her figure disappeared around the corner.
Her last message was still on the screen.
"Stop pretending you're fine all the time."
Lin Mo looked at it for a long time.
Then he smiled.
He suddenly remembered that it had been a long time since he had gone back to the dorm.
Not because he lived in the campus library.
But because every time he went back, he had to pass the cardboard box filled with old books.
There might really still be a piece of paper from three years ago inside.
He stood up.
2:12 a.m.
For the first time, he didn't go back to study.
Instead, he went back to the dorm to look for the eighteen-year-old version of himself.
The version who had once believed the future would automatically get better.
He didn't know whether he would ever find an answer.
He didn't know whether he should take the graduate school entrance exam.
He didn't know whether the future would stay.
He didn't know whether the people who had once left would ever come back.
But at least that night, he finally admitted one thing.
He had always known he wasn't happy.
It was just that before, he had always thought—
If he held on a little longer, everything would be okay.
Hold on until he got into graduate school.
Hold on until he graduated.
Hold on until he found a job.
Hold on until he had money.
Hold on until one day.
One day, he would suddenly know what he wanted.
But that "one day" never came.
And now, he was twenty-two.
For the first time, he began to feel afraid.
If he kept waiting,
maybe one day he really would become someone he didn't recognize at all.
He pushed open the dorm door.
The room was pitch-black.
Lin Mo turned on the light.
His gaze fell on the cardboard box in the corner.
He walked over and crouched down.
He lifted the lid.
The box was crammed with things from the past few years.
Textbooks.
Old clothes.
His student ID.
A few faded photographs.
And a book.
Lin Mo took out the book.
He opened it.
A neatly folded piece of paper slipped from between the pages.
It fell onto the floor.
He picked it up.
The paper had already yellowed.
It held the handwriting of two people.
His was on the left.
Su Yan's was on the right.
At the very bottom was the sentence they had written at eighteen.
"When we're twenty-two, no matter what we've become, we have to see each other again."
Lin Mo stared at the sentence.
For a long, long time.
Then he suddenly noticed that beneath it was another line of tiny writing he'd never paid attention to.
It wasn't his handwriting.
It was Su Yan's.
There was only one short sentence.
"If you still don't know where you want to go by then, come with me once."
Lin Mo froze.
His phone lit up at that moment.
Su Yan had sent one last message.
"Tomorrow morning at nine. The train station."
"If you're still willing."
Lin Mo looked at his phone.
A second rain began falling outside the window.
He lowered his head and looked at the yellowed piece of paper.
For the first time, he didn't ask himself whether doing this had any meaning.
He didn't think about whether he still had to study tomorrow, either.
He simply picked up his phone and replied:
"Okay."
This time, he didn't pretend he knew the answer.
But he decided to take one step first.
Because some answers
can only be found
after you walk out into the world.