Chapter Two: Go Somewhere You've Never Been
At 7:12 in the morning, Lin Mo woke up three times.
The first time was because of his alarm.
The second was because of the sound of the bed frame when his roommate turned over.
The third was when he suddenly opened his own eyes.
The ceiling was still the same familiar white.
A little gray-blue light filtered through the gap in the curtains.
Lin Mo stared at the ceiling for a few seconds, his mind still completely blank.
Then he saw the phone on his nightstand.
Nine o'clock.
The station.
He sat up abruptly.
“Fuck.”
Why had he agreed to this last night?
Lin Mo scratched his hair and sat on the edge of the bed, staring into space.
He was supposed to study today.
Saturday.
According to his plan, he was supposed to get up at eight, arrive at the campus library at nine, study for two hours, eat lunch, and keep studying in the afternoon.
He had written the plan out in great detail.
He'd even decided what to eat for lunch.
The only problem was that he hadn't followed his plan for a single day in three weeks.
His phone lit up.
8:03.
Su Yan:
“Are you up?”
Lin Mo stared at the message.
“Yeah.”
After sending it, he suddenly felt like it sounded too cold.
So he added another line.
“Almost overslept.”
She replied quickly.
“I knew it.”
“How did you know?”
“Because every time you used to make plans for nine, you wouldn't show up until 8:50.”
Lin Mo froze for a moment.
She actually remembered.
Stranger still, she remembered too.
Something from three years ago hadn't completely disappeared after all.
Some things had only been placed temporarily in a drawer neither of them would open.
They weren't nonexistent.
No one had touched them in a long time.
Lin Mo changed clothes and slung an empty backpack over his shoulders.
He'd originally planned to bring some books.
His hand had already reached toward the textbooks on his desk, but stopped at the last moment.
Forget it.
He put the books back.
This was the first time he'd gone out without bringing anything related to an exam.
When he walked out of the dorm, he even felt a little guilty.
As if his life would lose something just because he didn't study today.
But when he reached the school entrance, he suddenly thought—
Maybe it wouldn't.
9:07.
Lin Mo stood at the station exit.
There were a lot of people.
Weekend stations always had a strange sense of busyness.
Some people dragged suitcases.
Some carried coffee.
Some held their children's hands.
Some hurried past with their heads down.
Everyone had a destination of their own.
Everyone except him.
“Lin Mo.”
He turned around.
Su Yan stood a short distance away.
She was wearing a white short-sleeved shirt and light-colored jeans, with a canvas tote hanging from her shoulder.
She looked different from the night before.
In the daytime, she looked much younger.
Or rather, Lin Mo suddenly remembered what she had been like at eighteen.
She'd dressed just as simply back then.
Her hair was always tied up in a messy knot.
When she smiled, her eyes would narrow slightly.
Three years had passed, and a lot had changed.
But some habits apparently hadn't.
“You actually came.”
Su Yan walked over.
“Didn't you ask me to come?”
“I thought you'd change your mind.”
“So did I.”
She smiled.
“So what does that make us now?”
“Two people who both regretted it but came anyway.”
“That suits us.”
Lin Mo smiled too.
He glanced at the ticket in her hand.
“Where are we going?”
“I don't know.”
“What?”
“I said we haven't decided where we're going yet.”
Lin Mo looked at her.
“You told me to come to the station at nine, and you don't know where we're going?”
“Yep.”
“Are you crazy?”
“Yep.”
She answered so quickly that Lin Mo couldn't help laughing.
“So what do we do now?”
Su Yan pulled out her phone.
“Pick a train at random.”
“At random?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“What if we end up somewhere really far away?”
“Then we come back later.”
“What if there's nowhere to go?”
“Then we get off and figure it out.”
Lin Mo looked at her.
This approach was practically absurd to him.
He was used to making plans.
Used to checking routes.
Used to estimating how long things would take.
Used to thinking through the worst possible outcome before making any decision.
But Su Yan was simply standing in front of him now, saying:
“Let's just get on one.”
She had seemed like this at eighteen too.
“Come on.”
She tugged at his sleeve.
“Didn't you say you wanted to change?”
Lin Mo didn't answer.
He simply followed her into the station.
In the end, they boarded a local train headed toward the coast.
There was no special reason.
It was just the direction of the first train that came along.
There weren't many people in the carriage.
They sat beside the window.
Lin Mo watched the scenery outside slowly slide backward.
The city.
Residential neighborhoods.
Factories.
Fields.
Then the sky grew more and more expansive.
Su Yan leaned against the window.
“Do you remember the first time we took a train together?”
“I remember.”
“Where did we go?”
“Forgot.”
She turned toward him.
“You don't remember at all.”
“I remember that I was with you.”
“What kind of remembering is that?”
Lin Mo smiled faintly.
“For me, that's enough.”
Su Yan didn't say anything.
She turned back and looked out the window.
After a while, she suddenly asked:
“Do you have a girlfriend now?”
Lin Mo froze.
“No.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Why not?”
“I don't know.”
“There you go with ‘I don't know’ again.”
“What about you?”
Su Yan was silent for a second.
“Me neither.”
Lin Mo nodded.
“Oh.”
“Is ‘oh’ all you've got?”
“What else am I supposed to say?”
“I don't know.”
They both laughed at the same time.
Afterward, another stretch of silence settled between them.
Lin Mo suddenly realized something.
They had both become very good at making important things sound unimportant.
Like “I don't have a girlfriend.”
Like “I'm not doing well.”
Like “I still remember you.”
Every sentence was obviously heavy.
Yet they always brushed it off with just a few words.
After an hour on the train, they got off at a small station with hardly anyone around.
Lin Mo had never even heard of the station's name.
The platform was very short.
Outside the station was a straight road.
The sea was visible in the distance.
The wind was strong.
Su Yan pressed down her hair.
“We're here.”
“Here?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Have you been here before?”
“No.”
“Then why did you pick this place?”
She thought about it.
“Because I wanted to go somewhere neither of us has been.”
Lin Mo looked at her.
It was a simple sentence.
Yet it suddenly made him understand something.
In the past, they had always stayed in their memories.
The things they'd eaten before.
The places they'd been before.
The things they'd said before.
Even this meeting had happened because of a piece of paper they'd written three years ago.
But if they really wanted to know who the other person was now, they couldn't keep living in the past.
They needed somewhere new.
No shared memories.
No eighteen.
No three years ago.
Only now.
Two twenty-two-year-olds.
Walking together into a place completely unfamiliar to both of them for the first time.
“Come on.”
Su Yan walked ahead.
Lin Mo followed.
The seaside wasn't as beautiful as he'd imagined.
The sky was a little overcast.
There was even some plastic trash on the beach.
There weren't many tourists nearby either.
They walked along the shore for a long time.
Only when their feet began to ache did they stop in front of a small shop.
The owner looked to be in his sixties.
There were only three tables inside.
They ordered two bowls of noodles.
While they waited, Su Yan suddenly said:
“I really hated you before.”
Lin Mo looked up.
“What?”
“During our freshman year.”
“Why?”
“Because you didn't care about anything.”
“When did I not?”
“You did.”
She counted on her fingers.
“You didn't care about homework, exams, being late, or what other people thought of you.”
“Isn't that a good thing?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Su Yan looked at him.
“Because I cared a lot.”
Lin Mo froze.
She wasn't smiling.
“Back then, I felt like I was the only one taking it seriously.”
“Taking what seriously?”
“Seriously liking you.”
The shop suddenly fell quiet.
Lin Mo's hand stopped on the table.
He looked at her.
But she only lowered her head and picked up her glass of water.
“Was that too direct?”
“A little.”
“Then forget I said it.”
“Don't.”
Su Yan looked up.
For the first time, Lin Mo realized how fast his heart was beating.
“Why didn't you tell me before?”
She was silent for a long time.
“Because I thought you knew.”
“I didn't.”
“I only realized later.”
“Realized what?”
“That liking someone doesn't mean they'll know.”
She smiled faintly.
“Sometimes you think you've made it obvious enough, but the other person might genuinely not notice a thing.”
Lin Mo lowered his head.
“I'm sorry.”
“You don't have to be.”
“But...”
“Really, you don't.”
She shook her head.
“That was all in the past.”
The owner brought out the noodles.
Steam rose from the bowls.
Neither of them said anything else.
But the words “seriously liking you” were like a stone tossed into an otherwise still body of water.
The ripples didn't disappear right away.
At three in the afternoon, they reached a small lookout.
The sea wind was stronger up there.
Su Yan sat on a bench.
Lin Mo stood by the railing.
“Do you still like me?”
She asked the question suddenly.
Lin Mo didn't answer right away.
He'd thought about this question many times.
Since last night.
Even since the moment she'd appeared at the convenience store.
He used to think the answer would be simple.
If you liked someone, you liked them.
If you didn't, you didn't.
But when three years stood between them, things weren't so easy anymore.
“I don't know.”
Su Yan smiled.
“You really love those three words.”
“Because I really don't know.”
“Then you don't know.”
She didn't pressure him.
Instead, she made Lin Mo let out a breath of relief.
“But...”
He paused.
“When I see you, I'm happy.”
Su Yan looked at him.
“Yeah.”
“And when you texted me yesterday, I actually...”
“What?”
“I was looking forward to it.”
She didn't say anything.
She only smiled.
It was a very slight smile.
Yet it suddenly made Lin Mo feel as if he were eighteen again.
Not because nothing had changed.
But because back then, they still didn't know how difficult life could be.
So a single confession of liking could make someone happy for a long time.
At five in the evening, it started to rain.
They took shelter in a bus stop beside the station.
Su Yan pulled an umbrella out of her canvas bag.
“There's only one.”
“How did you know?”
“The weather forecast.”
“And you still picked today to come out?”
“I didn't know it was going to rain.”
“Didn't you check the forecast?”
“I did.”
“And?”
“I didn't understand it.”
Lin Mo laughed.
“You really haven't changed.”
“Neither have you.”
“What haven't I changed?”
She thought about it.
“You're still afraid of making decisions.”
Lin Mo didn't laugh.
“Is it that obvious?”
“Very.”
She watched the rain.
“You used to say you wanted to do all kinds of things, but whenever it was time to actually do them, you'd start thinking.”
“Thinking about what?”
“About whether you'd fail.”
Lin Mo fell silent.
“You're still like that now.”
She said:
“You're not someone who doesn't know what he wants to do.”
“Then what am I?”
“You're just afraid of choosing wrong.”
The words left Lin Mo stunned.
He suddenly thought of everything he'd done over the past six months.
Choosing graduate school.
Choosing a field of study.
Choosing a job.
Choosing a future.
He was always asking other people:
“Which one is better?”
“Which one has better prospects?”
“Which one is safer?”
But he had never truly asked himself:
“Which one do I want?”
Because once he asked himself, he'd have to take responsibility for choosing wrong.
If someone else chose for him and he failed, he could blame the circumstances.
Blame his teachers.
Blame his parents.
Blame the times.
But what if he chose for himself?
Then he could only blame himself for failing.
So he'd rather never choose at all.
Su Yan looked at him.
“Lin Mo.”
“Yeah?”
“Have you ever noticed?”
“What?”
“When we were eighteen, we thought people who were twenty-two knew everything.”
She smiled faintly.
“And now that we're twenty-two, we still don't know anything.”
Lin Mo smiled too.
Rain fell against the roof.
Their shoulders were very close.
Close enough for him to smell the shampoo in her hair.
The scent reminded him of many years ago.
It also made him realize for the first time:
Some feelings didn't disappear.
They were only pressed deep beneath the weight of time.
At 8:40 that night, they returned to the station they'd started from.
Nothing earth-shattering had happened today.
There had been no confession.
They hadn't gotten back together.
Neither of them had suddenly decided to give up on their dreams.
They'd simply taken a train with no plan.
Eaten an ordinary bowl of noodles.
Walked along an unremarkable stretch of coast.
Talked about things they'd never said before.
Then taken the train back.
But for the first time, Lin Mo felt that a single day could be this long.
On the platform, Su Yan looked at him.
“Did you have fun today?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
“What about you?”
“I did too.”
The train pulled into the station.
Wind blew out from the tunnel.
Su Yan adjusted her bag.
“I really am leaving tomorrow.”
“Yeah.”
“I might not come back for a long time.”
“How long?”
“I don't know.”
There were those three words again.
But this time, Lin Mo didn't find them annoying.
Because he was beginning to understand.
Life simply didn't come with that many certainties.
“Lin Mo.”
“Yeah?”
“Are you still going to the campus library tomorrow?”
He thought about it.
“Probably.”
“Then go.”
“Okay.”
“But don't only study.”
She smiled.
“You should think about yourself sometimes too.”
The train doors opened.
She got on.
Lin Mo stood on the platform.
Just as the doors were about to close, she suddenly turned around.
“Oh, right.”
“What?”
“Don't throw away that piece of paper.”
Lin Mo smiled.
“Got it.”
The train slowly pulled away.
He stood where he was, watching the taillights grow farther and farther away.
Until they disappeared.
His phone suddenly vibrated.
It was an email.
He lowered his head and opened it.
“Graduate School Entrance Exam Registration Reminder.”
Lin Mo stared at the email.
In the past, seeing something like this always made him anxious first.
But not today.
He simply put his phone away.
He walked out of the station.
The night wind was cold.
He walked slowly along the street alone.
When he reached the intersection, he suddenly stopped.
The road to the dorm was on the left.
The road to the campus library was on the right.
He stood there for a few seconds.
In the end, he didn't go either way.
Instead, he took out his phone and searched for a name.
“Photography class.”
He didn't know why he searched for it.
He didn't know if he'd actually go tomorrow.
He knew even less whether it would help his future in any way.
But for the first time, he didn't ask:
“Is this useful?”
He only asked himself:
“Do I want to give it a try?”
The answer was yes.
He did.
Lin Mo stood at the intersection and suddenly smiled.
He finally understood that his eighteen-year-old self might not have been wrong.
Being twenty-two didn't mean becoming an adult who knew everything.
Being twenty-two simply meant having the ability, for the first time, to admit:
I don't know.
And still be willing to move forward.
He opened the registration page.
His finger hovered over the words “Register Now.”
He hesitated for three seconds.
Then pressed them.
The screen displayed:
“Registration successful.”
Lin Mo stared at those four words.
He didn't feel the excitement he'd imagined.
Only a tiny, unfamiliar sense of solidity.
He slipped his phone into his pocket.
Then started walking forward again.
And this time, he didn't decide on a destination first.
He just walked.
Because for the first time, he was willing to believe—
You don't have to know the answer before you have the right to set out.