Chapter 7
Not Everyone Who Comes Back Should Be Taken Back
Raveena saw her father again two weeks later.
Not because she missed their first meeting.
And not because she had forgiven him.
Yudara sent a short message Tuesday morning.
Dad has a checkup Friday. Maybe lunch afterward. If you don't want to come, that's okay.
Raveena read the message at her desk.
She didn't reply.
She closed the screen.
Opened her manuscript.
Then, five minutes later, opened the same message again.
Mirel, sitting across from her, noticed.
“Your dad?”
Raveena looked up.
“How'd you know?”
“Your expression changed.”
“You and Gavian are way too into reading people's faces.”
Mirel smiled faintly.
“He asked to meet?”
“Friday.”
“Do you want to?”
“I don't know.”
Mirel nodded, then went back to typing.
Raveena waited.
There was no follow-up comment.
That actually made her curious.
“That’s it?”
Mirel turned to her.
“What?”
“You don't want to give me your opinion?”
“Did you ask for it?”
“No.”
“Then there you go.”
Raveena clicked her tongue.
Mirel chuckled.
“If I keep talking, you complain. If I stay quiet, you complain too.”
“Because you usually don't know how to stay quiet.”
“That’s slander.”
Raveena looked at her phone again.
The message was still the same.
There was no pressure.
No line like Dad might not have much time left.
No guilt being deliberately thrown at her.
Strange.
Precisely because Yudara wasn't forcing her, Raveena began to consider it.
She typed:
What time will the checkup be over?
The reply came ten minutes later.
Around eleven. But don't feel like you have to come.
Raveena stared at the last sentence.
Then replied:
Send me the location.
She set her phone down.
Mirel didn't look up.
“Told you.”
Raveena looked at her.
“What?”
“So you're going.”
“I thought you weren't going to comment.”
“I'm just observing.”
“Everyone's an observer now.”
Friday afternoon, Raveena sat in the hospital cafeteria with a bowl of soup that was almost cold.
Yudara sat across from her.
His face was paler than it had been at their first meeting.
There was a small adhesive mark on his arm.
Raveena didn't ask much about the checkup.
She waited for her father to speak first.
“The results were decent.”
“What does decent mean?”
“The doctor said I don't need any major procedures yet.”
Raveena nodded.
“Still on the same medication?”
“Yeah.”
“Follow-up?”
“Next month.”
She stirred her soup.
“Don't be late.”
Yudara smiled faintly.
“I won't.”
Raveena immediately felt strange hearing herself say that.
It sounded like concern.
She wasn't sure she wanted to give him that.
Or maybe it was already too late.
Yudara didn't comment on it.
Good.
They ate in silence for several minutes.
Then her father said, “Savia told me about college.”
Raveena looked up.
“She messages you often?”
“Pretty often.”
“She’s happy.”
“Yeah.”
There was something in Yudara's expression when he said it.
Happiness mixed with sadness.
“Don't disappoint her again.”
Raveena said it without raising her voice.
That was precisely what made the words feel heavier.
Yudara nodded.
“I’ll try.”
Raveena stopped immediately.
“Don't try.”
Yudara looked at her.
“If you say you'll be there, then be there.”
“I will.”
“If you can't, say so.”
“I will.”
“Don't suddenly disappear because you're ashamed or scared.”
Yudara lowered his head.
“I know.”
Raveena clenched her fingers beneath the table.
“No, you don't. Because the person who's left behind has no idea what's going on inside the head of the person who walks away.”
Yudara said nothing.
Raveena continued.
“All we know is that you're there one day. And the next, you're not.”
The cafeteria remained noisy.
The clink of spoons.
People walking by.
An order number echoed from a loudspeaker somewhere outside.
But to Raveena, their table felt isolated.
Yudara said quietly, “I'm sorry.”
Raveena smiled thinly.
“It's still hard to hear that.”
“I know.”
“This time, you might actually mean it.”
Yudara raised his head.
Raveena wasn't smiling anymore.
“I haven't forgiven you.”
“I'm not asking you to. Not now.”
“Good.”
They fell silent again.
Then Yudara said something Raveena hadn't expected.
“When I left, I thought staying would only make everyone suffer more.”
Raveena stared at him.
“Turns out leaving made people suffer too.”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
Yudara rubbed his fingers together.
“I realized the problem wasn't whether I stayed or left.”
Raveena waited.
“The problem was that I didn't have the courage to do anything properly.”
Something inside Raveena came to a stop.
Too close again.
Too similar.
Yudara continued.
“I ran from my problems with Mom. Then I thought a new relationship could make everything feel easier.”
Raveena swallowed.
“Did it?”
“For a while.”
“And then?”
“The problems inside you follow you everywhere.”
Raveena looked away.
She thought of Gavian.
The last time they'd sat together, he'd said he wanted to learn how to exist in his own life first.
Maybe it hadn't been an empty line after all.
Or maybe Raveena simply wanted to believe it.
Yudara asked, “Are you seeing someone?”
Raveena looked at him immediately.
“Why all of a sudden?”
“I'm just asking.”
“We're not that close yet.”
Yudara nodded.
“That's true.”
He didn't push.
Raveena felt a little guilty.
Just a little.
Finally, she said, “It's complicated.”
Yudara smiled faintly.
“Relationships usually are.”
Raveena raised an eyebrow.
“You're not exactly the best person to comment on relationships.”
“Agreed.”
The quick answer almost made Raveena laugh.
Almost.
Yudara continued, “That's why I won't give you advice.”
“Good.”
“But there's one thing I've learned…”
Raveena looked at him.
“Don't use someone new to heal wounds left by someone old.”
The words tightened her chest.
Yudara didn't know about Gavian's story.
There was no way he could.
But it still felt like the words had been aimed directly at her.
Raveena took a drink of water.
“Are you done with the advice?”
Yudara smiled faintly.
“Weren't you the one who said you didn't want any?”
“Consider it an exception.”
Raveena finally let out a small laugh.
And for the first time since seeing each other again, Yudara laughed too.
Briefly.
Awkwardly.
But for real.
Raveena immediately felt strange.
She didn't want the moment to feel warm.
But it did.
How annoying.
That afternoon, Raveena returned to the office.
Mirel was in a meeting.
Nadena stacked several printed proofs on Raveena's desk.
“These need to be checked before Monday.”
Raveena looked at the stack.
“How many?”
“One hundred and eight pages.”
Raveena closed her eyes.
“Why are you smiling when you say that?”
“Fear.”
“Good. You should be afraid.”
Nadena laughed and walked away.
Raveena got to work.
At four twenty, a new email came in from Gavian.
Subject: Senvora Interview Notes
There was nothing but work in it.
Their pattern had been like that for almost three weeks.
Occasional meetings.
Short messages.
Sometimes personal conversations, but never late into the night.
No more I miss you's.
No confessions.
No talk about the future.
Strangely, it was in that distance that Raveena began to get to know Gavian differently.
She started seeing him without the tension his relationship with Talitha had caused.
Without playing with boundaries.
And it turned out Gavian wasn't always interesting.
Sometimes he was too serious.
Sometimes he was annoying at work.
He liked changing schedules at the last minute.
He had a habit of reading messages and not replying until two hours later when he was busy.
He was also much stiffer with his subordinates than Raveena had thought.
Mirel had once commented after a meeting:
“If I worked with him every day, we'd probably be fighting within two weeks.”
Raveena was actually glad.
Strange, but glad.
Gavian was slowly coming down from the special place Raveena had put him in all this time.
He was becoming an ordinary person.
And if one day Raveena still liked him after seeing all of that, maybe the feeling would be more trustworthy.
At six thirty, Raveena finished work.
Mirel had already left.
The sky over Jantara was dark.
She went down to the bookstore on the first floor.
Reyhan was talking to the cashier.
Raveena walked outside.
After only a few steps, someone called out.
“Rave.”
She turned.
Gavian stood near a streetlamp.
Raveena frowned.
“What are you doing here?”
“The Senvora meeting just ended.”
“Here?”
“Two blocks away.”
Raveena stared at him.
“Another coincidence?”
“This time, yeah.”
Raveena almost smiled.
Gavian raised a folder.
“I also wanted to give you this.”
“It could've waited until tomorrow.”
“It could have.”
“So why now?”
Gavian stopped.
“Actually, I wanted to ask you to dinner.”
There it was.
Raveena looked at him.
Gavian quickly added, “If you don't want to, that's fine.”
Raveena didn't answer.
They'd sat at Three Chairs several times since their last conversation.
But always briefly.
Always during the day.
It had always felt safe.
Dinner felt different.
Closer to something that might be called a date.
Gavian seemed to read her mind.
“It's not a date.”
Raveena raised an eyebrow.
“If you have to explain it, that makes it even more suspicious.”
Gavian laughed.
“True.”
“Why are you asking?”
“I'm hungry.”
Raveena gave him a flat look.
Gavian laughed harder.
“Okay. Wrong answer.”
“You really haven't learned anything.”
“I want to eat, and I happen to want to talk to you.”
“About what?”
“Nothing heavy.”
Raveena considered it.
Then asked, “Where?”
Gavian looked slightly surprised.
“There’s a fried rice place nearby.”
“Not some expensive café?”
“I’m in the mood for fried rice.”
“If it’s bad, you’re paying.”
“What if it’s good?”
“I’m still not paying.”
Gavian smiled.
“Fair.”
The fried rice place Gavian meant turned out to be a small food stall at the end of Karetiga Street.
Plastic tables.
Short stools.
No air-conditioning.
Raveena looked at him.
“You're serious?”
“Why?”
“I thought a Sagara consultant ate only at places where the glasses weighed more than the food.”
Gavian laughed.
“Slander.”
They sat down.
Raveena ordered chicken fried rice.
Gavian ordered goat fried rice.
The conversation started with work.
Then books.
Then stupid things, like why Gavian hated papaya.
“The smell is weird.”
“What fruit smells normal to you?”
“Mangoes.”
“Mangoes smell too.”
“They smell good.”
“That’s subjective.”
“Everything about food is subjective.”
Raveena stared at him.
“Are you really arguing about fruit?”
“You started it.”
It was simple.
There was no tension.
No fear that someone might see them.
Only then did Raveena realize how different it felt to sit with Gavian now.
Back then, every meeting had something hanging over it.
Talitha.
Guilt.
Boundaries.
Now the boundaries had changed.
They were still there, but they belonged to the two of them.
Not because of a third person.
Gavian asked, “How's your dad?”
“I saw him again today.”
“Seriously?”
Raveena nodded.
“At the hospital.”
Gavian's expression changed.
“What happened?”
“A checkup.”
“How did it go?”
“Decent.”
Gavian nodded.
He didn't immediately ask about their relationship.
Raveena was the one who said, “We talked more this time.”
“And?”
“It was strange.”
“You always say that.”
“Because it is.”
Raveena stirred the pickles on her plate.
“He said he left because he thought staying would only make everyone suffer.”
Gavian stopped eating.
Raveena looked at him.
“Then he realized leaving made people suffer too.”
Gavian was silent for a moment.
“That’s heavy.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you understand him any better now?”
“No.”
Gavian nodded.
“Good.”
Raveena looked at him.
“How is that good?”
“Because understanding isn't an obligation.”
He smiled faintly.
“You don't have to understand someone's reasons to acknowledge the consequences.”
Raveena stared at Gavian for a long moment.
“Since when can you talk like this?”
“Therapy.”
Raveena froze.
“What?”
Gavian took a drink.
“I started therapy.”
Raveena truly hadn't expected that.
“When?”
“Two weeks ago.”
“Why didn't you ever tell me?”
“You didn't ask.”
His answer left Raveena silent.
He was right.
They didn't tell each other everything anymore.
And Gavian wasn't obligated to tell her.
“Why did you start?”
Gavian sighed.
“Because it turns out I'm pretty bad at understanding my own feelings.”
Raveena almost smiled.
“At least you're aware of it.”
“They say that's the first step.”
“Who says?”
“My therapist.”
“Makes sense.”
Gavian continued, “At first, I thought I just needed someone to tell me I wasn't wrong.”
Raveena raised an eyebrow.
“And?”
“She didn't.”
Raveena laughed.
“Poor you.”
“It was actually annoying.”
“Good.”
Gavian laughed too.
Then he grew serious.
“I talked a lot about why I stayed with Talitha.”
Raveena didn't interrupt.
“It turned out it wasn't mostly because our relationship was still good.”
“Then why?”
“Fear.”
The answer was brief.
Gavian looked down at his plate.
“Fear of hurting her. Fear of disappointing my family. Fear of starting over. Fear that breaking up had been the wrong decision.”
Raveena nodded slowly.
“Then I waited until something happened that made me feel like I had a reason.”
Gavian looked up.
“You.”
Raveena tensed immediately.
Gavian quickly said, “That doesn't mean you were the cause.”
“I know.”
“But you made me realize there was a kind of relationship that felt different.”
Raveena said nothing.
Gavian continued, “And that wasn't fair to you or Talitha.”
For the first time, the subject didn't feel like a declaration of love.
There was no attempt to win her over.
Just an evaluation.
Raveena felt like she could listen without having to protect her heart.
“Is therapy helping?”
“A little.”
“It's only been two weeks.”
“That's why it's only a little.”
Raveena smiled.
“Good.”
Gavian shook his head, laughing.
“Your favorite word.”
They finished eating at eight.
Gavian paid even though Raveena offered to cover half.
“You said if it was good, I still wouldn't have to pay.”
“I was joking.”
“I wasn't.”
“Manipulative.”
“Verbal agreement.”
They walked to the end of the street.
Raveena would catch her ride from there.
Gavian had parked farther away.
The storefront lights began going out one by one.
When they reached the bus stop, Gavian stopped.
“Rave.”
Raveena turned.
“Hmm?”
Gavian looked hesitant.
That immediately put Raveena on guard.
“What?”
“I want to ask you something.”
“Ask.”
“If I ask you to dinner again next week…”
Raveena waited.
“…can I call it a date?”
Silence.
Raveena felt all the sounds of the street suddenly recede.
She looked at Gavian.
He wasn't smiling.
He wasn't trying to make it sound like a joke.
He was serious.
Raveena drew a breath.
“Why now?”
“Because I want to be clear.”
“Clear about what?”
“That I'm asking you because I'm interested in you. Not because of a coincidence. Not because I'm hungry.”
Raveena almost smiled at the last part.
But didn't.
“Gavi.”
“I'm not asking us to start dating right away.”
“I know.”
“I just…”
He stopped.
Then said it more simply.
“I want to get to know you again from the beginning.”
The words left Raveena silent.
From the beginning.
Maybe that was what they needed.
Not to continue a relationship born from the wrong circumstances.
Not to treat all their old closeness as a healthy foundation.
To start over.
With different circumstances.
With a conscious choice.
Raveena asked, “What if I say not yet?”
Gavian nodded.
“Then not yet.”
“What if I say no?”
“Then no.”
“It’s that simple?”
“It should be.”
Raveena looked at him for a long moment.
Part of her wanted to say yes immediately.
The same part that had once always waited for Gavian's messages.
That had been happy whenever he came to Karetiga.
That had already admitted she loved him too.
But now Raveena didn't want to choose based only on what she wanted.
She wanted to know whether she was ready.
“Give me until tomorrow.”
Gavian nodded.
“Okay.”
“Don't text tonight to ask.”
“Intimidating.”
“I'm serious.”
“I won't.”
Raveena's ride arrived.
She got on.
Before the doors closed, she saw Gavian still standing there.
He didn't wave.
He only smiled faintly.
Raveena sat by the window.
The vehicle moved.
And strangely, for the first time, the question of Gavian didn't feel frightening.
She was no longer asking whether he would choose her.
Now Raveena was the one with a choice.
That night, she called Mirel.
She didn't text.
Mirel answered on the first ring.
“What’s up?”
“Why do you sound panicked?”
“You almost never call.”
Raveena lay down on the couch.
“Gavian asked me on a date.”
Silence.
Then Mirel's voice came back softer.
“A real date?”
“Yeah.”
“Not a five-minute coffee?”
“No.”
“And?”
“I told him I'd give him an answer tomorrow.”
Mirel was quiet for a few moments.
“Why didn't you just answer right away?”
“Because I want to think about it.”
“Good.”
Raveena rolled her eyes.
“Everyone loves that word.”
Mirel laughed.
Then asked, “What are you thinking about?”
Raveena looked at the ceiling.
“I'm scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“What if I only liked him when he was hard to get?”
“Hmm.”
“What if everything's easier now and my feelings change?”
“That could happen.”
Raveena frowned.
“Why are you so calm?”
“Because a date isn't a lifetime contract.”
Raveena fell silent.
Mirel continued, “You don't have to know right now whether he's your future husband. You only need to know whether you want to have dinner with him as two single people.”
Raveena smiled faintly.
“That sounds too simple.”
“Because you like turning everything into a thesis.”
“This is my life.”
“Exactly. So don't treat it like an editorial project.”
Raveena laughed softly.
Then Mirel asked, “Do you want to?”
The answer came faster than Raveena expected.
“Yes.”
“Then there you go.”
“But—”
“Rave.”
“Hmm?”
“If you want to, you can say yes. You don't have to find a reason to make happiness feel deserved first.”
Raveena fell silent.
The words stayed with her for a long time.
After the call ended, she didn't contact Gavian right away.
She kept her own promise.
Tomorrow.
The next morning, Raveena woke before her alarm.
She looked at her phone.
There was no message from Gavian.
He really hadn't contacted her.
Raveena smiled faintly.
She opened their conversation.
Typed:
I'm free next Saturday.
Before a minute had passed, three dots appeared.
Then disappeared.
Appeared again.
Raveena almost laughed imagining Gavian trying not to seem too enthusiastic.
Finally:
What time?
Raveena:
You asked me. You decide.
Gavian:
Okay.
A few seconds later:
So I can call it a date?
Raveena stared at the screen.
Her heart beat faster.
But this time, she didn't feel guilty.
There was no other name she had to remember in order to stop herself.
No hidden relationship.
No one waiting at home.
Just a decision.
Her own.
Raveena typed:
You can.
She pressed send.
Gavian replied:
Okay. See you Saturday.
Raveena frowned.
That was it?
She stared at the screen.
Then a new message came in.
I'm actually smiling like an idiot right now, but I'm trying to look normal.
Raveena burst out laughing.
Alone.
In her room.
And for the first time since all of this began, happiness came without guilt immediately following.
That didn't mean the past had disappeared.
Talitha had still been hurt.
Gavian had still done wrong.
So had Raveena.
No date could erase that.
But maybe a new relationship didn't have to be built by pretending the past had never happened.
They only had to make sure they didn't repeat it.
Saturday came four days later.
Raveena stood in front of the mirror longer than she wanted to admit.
She had changed outfits twice.
Not because she wanted to look perfect.
At least, that's what she told herself.
Her phone vibrated.
I'm downstairs.
Raveena stared at the message.
Her heartbeat immediately changed pace.
Annoying.
She grabbed her bag.
Went downstairs.
When the elevator doors opened into the lobby, Gavian was already standing near the entrance.
He wasn't wearing a work shirt.
Just a dark T-shirt.
A light jacket.
For some reason, seeing Gavian dressed casually made everything feel more officially like a date than it would have if he'd shown up in an expensive suit.
Gavian saw her.
Then smiled.
“Hi.”
Raveena stopped a few steps away.
“Hi.”
Awkward.
They'd known each other for almost a year.
They'd talked about their most personal things.
They'd admitted they loved each other.
Yet one word—date—had made them act like they were meeting for the first time.
Gavian looked at her for a few seconds.
Raveena narrowed her eyes.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Don't start.”
Gavian laughed.
“Good.”
“What?”
“You're still the same.”
Raveena raised an eyebrow.
“If you expected me to change completely in a week, you can go home.”
“No.”
Gavian opened the door for her.
“I want to find out which parts of you I still don't know.”
Raveena paused for a moment.
Then walked outside.
She didn't answer.
But a smile appeared without permission.
They got into the car.
Neither of them noticed another car stop several yards behind them.
A man got out of the driver's seat.
He was tall.
His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows.
Raveena didn't see him.
Neither did Gavian.
The man stood there for a moment, watching Gavian's car leave the apartment complex.
Then he raised his phone.
Called someone.
“Yeah, Sav?”
Raveena glanced back from inside the car when she thought she heard a familiar voice outside.
Too late.
The car was already moving.
Behind them, the man continued the call.
“I've arrived at your sister's apartment.”
He looked at the lobby doors.
“But it looks like Raveena just left.”
Savia's voice came from the other end.
The man sighed.
Then said,
“It's okay. I'll wait.”
His name was Darian Wiraatmadja.
And after nearly seven years without ever seeing Raveena, he had finally returned to Jantara carrying one thing Raveena had never known.
The real reason their relationship had ended all those years ago.