“Once you’re married, don’t be so sensitive, Ta. Being married means you have to think more maturely. Besides, you two got married because you wanted to. Don’t get into one little fight and ask for a divorce.”
“But Esta’s tired, Mom. Jagad won’t help Esta around the house.”
“He’s in college, Ta. He works too. Just cut him some slack. When he comes home, he wants to rest.”
Another night.
“What did you go tattling to Mom about, Ta?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Mom said I never help you. Mom said I never talk to you at home. Don’t act like a little kid who runs to Mom over every little thing, Ta. We’re married. Can’t you just talk to me directly?”
“You forgot how many times I tried to talk to you, but you said you were tired? You came home and went straight to sleep. You never even touched the food I cooked, so who was I supposed to talk to? The wall?”
“That’s not what I meant, Ta.”
I snapped out of my reverie. I hadn’t been able to sleep all night, thinking about everything that had happened lately. Yesterday, I thought Jagad had already left the daycare. Turns out the man came back carrying a plastic bag, and I had no idea what was inside.
My curiosity only made me more restless. I tried to push Jagad out of my mind and kept myself busy cleaning the house. But once again, what Aesha’s friends had said yesterday kept bothering me.
“Bro Aesha’s fiancé is here.”
I glanced at my glowing phone. A message from Liana had come into the group I’d created with Aesha and Raisa. It was our gossip, rant, and venting group—and also a place for Aesha to preach to us. Especially Liana and me, since we both had marital problems.
Liana
[Mas Faisal went to a hotel with an airport hooker.]
I stared blankly for a moment. How could Liana be so calm about it? If I were her, I would’ve turned the place upside down and dragged that woman out by her hair. If necessary, I’d bring an entire squad to storm the place where they were committing adultery.
[Do you need backup to go confront them, Na? If you do, I’ll get ready right now.]
I typed my reply, furious at my friend’s husband. Cheating was a disease, and I couldn’t tolerate it even when I wasn’t the one experiencing it.
Liana
[No need, Ta. Just stay calm. He’s only fooling around. He’ll come back to me eventually. There’s no need to get your hands dirty destroying someone else.]
“Idiot!” I cursed instinctively at Liana’s lack of firmness. I was the one getting angry on her behalf.
I lay down on Raya’s left side while she slept, hugging a panda stuffed animal. I stared at my phone screen, still displaying the group chat. I didn’t feel like replying again because I was too annoyed with Liana’s attitude, while Raisa and Aesha would probably advise and encourage her.
Liana was luckier because she had them whenever trouble came her way. As for me, not a single person had been there to strengthen or accompany me when I was falling apart. No one knew that I’d nearly died back then while struggling to get rid of the burden Jagad had left inside my body.
Damn it.
How could I forget my past if I kept remembering it?
[You’re stupid, Na. How can you still stay with a man like that? You deserve to be happy, Na. You and your kids.]
I finally replied to my friends in the group after managing to steady my heart.
Liana
[You don’t know what it’s like to fight for your children, Esta. You don’t have kids, so it’s easy for you to say that. My children need their father, and I’m happy when my kids are happy. As long as he comes home, I don’t care. At home, he belongs to me and the kids, but outside, he has someone else.]
I wanted to curse Liana out and swear at her until she came to her senses. The kids? What a cliché excuse. Her children would be happier if their mother were happy too. Didn’t she realize how many children became victims because their mothers selfishly clung to toxic marriages?
A mother would take her anger out on her children when she fought with her husband. And then what? The cases of mothers killing their own children because of the baby blues or depression were proof of how terrifying marriage could be. Plenty of women were sane before marriage, but they went crazy after getting married.
Including me.
I glanced at Raya. I was crying inside, but I hated her. Yes, she was Kak Mentari’s daughter, because my sister had taken care of Raya since she was a baby.
And once again, women were the ones blamed for what happened to them. Too sensitive, lacking faith, ungrateful. But what about the men who cheated, committed domestic violence, or failed to take responsibility for their partners?
I cried. My hands trembled as I typed a reply to Liana.
[Kids are happy when their mother is happy, Na. Are you sure you’re happy right now?]
I tossed my phone onto the table because I didn’t want to see Liana’s reply defending that husband of hers. I grabbed a pillow and covered my face with it to muffle my sobs so Raya wouldn’t hear.
“Oh my God, Semesta! Don’t tell me you just marathoned a K-drama. Your eyes are so swollen. What were you watching that made you cry like that?”
Mala’s shrill voice made several people immediately turn to look at me. Mala snickered when I glared at her in annoyance.
“Looks like she’s lamenting her single life. Right, Ta?” Askana chimed in.
I only answered with a murmur. The truth was, I had no intention whatsoever of looking for another partner after divorcing Jagad. I’d had enough of going crazy.
Marriage isn’t about two people of different genders falling in love. It’s about being ready to face everything that comes with it. In-laws, siblings-in-law, a husband, children, and whatever else—I didn’t want to think about any of it.
I felt like my old self again, only with a new title: young divorcee. I was afraid of getting close to a man and starting a new relationship.
Although some people said marriage wasn’t that terrifying if you met the right person, I preferred to avoid it.
“Ta, Pak Jagad is calling you.”
I stayed still while my other two friends teased me instead. I bit my lower lip, a sign that I was nervous.
“Go see him, Ta. Maybe he wants to propose.”
“Ooh, Esta.”
I shook my head at my friends’ behavior. They had no idea that Jagad and I had once shared a blanket. I wondered what on earth he wanted with me.
After three knocks, I finally heard Jagad’s deep voice telling me to come in.
“You called for me, sir?” I asked after facing him. I left the door open because if he tried anything, I could immediately scream and let the other employees hear me.
“You wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t called you, Esta.”
He had a point.
“What is it, sir?” I asked, dispensing with the small talk.
Jagad let out a long sigh, then interlaced all ten of his fingers.
“Do you know Aesha?”