I thought that after all the drama over ordering food according to my mood and washing clothes with Lavender-scented detergent, my life would finally be calm, peaceful, and blissful.
WRONG!
I married my wife so she'd keep me company for the rest of my life. So of course, my problems were going to keep right on coming.
It's like I'm studying to advance to the next grade.
After dinner, my wife and I stretched out in the family room. As usual, she played on her phone while I watched TV.
But ... my wife was the one who decided the TV channel and volume.
The TV volume had to be set at ten, while the channel was whatever my wife felt like watching.
How amazing is that?
I protested once. After that, I repented so sincerely that I never dared protest about watching TV with my wife again.
"Even though my eyes are on my phone, I can still see the TV out of the corner of my eye, Angah," my wife said after I protested.
Amazing, right?
I'd rather obey than pick a fight.
We were right in the middle of an exciting show when my wife, sitting beside me, suddenly blurted something out. Her eyes were still glued to her phone.
"My head feels so empty," she said, rubbing her own head.
Rule number one: When we're watching TV and my wife suddenly starts talking, I have to turn down the TV. To five.
Rule number two: Once my wife starts a conversation, I'm not allowed to ask questions. I have to shoot from the hip. Whether it makes sense or not is a problem for later.
"That's good, isn't it?" I looked at my wife. "That means you're not overthinking things anymore, babe."
My wife only glanced at me.
Safe.
But five seconds later, my wife set her phone down on the table. Meanwhile, I was immediately haunted by suspicion.
Whoa, danger signals are starting to flash!
"I'm not talking about the inside of my head, Angah!"
Huh?
I froze for three seconds. Did she really need to be that specific?
"Then which part of your head are you talking about, my love?" I asked, pretending to be incredibly stupid.
"This!" My wife pointed at her head. "The outside of my head, Angah."
Seriously. I wanted to burst out laughing, but I held it in with all my might.
"Then what?" I asked, genuinely clueless. Women are ridiculously hard to read.
And now I was supposed to read the outside of her head!
I took a deep breath, then let it out as carefully as possible. I was afraid my lungs would immediately give out once I found out what my wife's version of the outside of her head meant.
"Yeah, Angah. I want something on the outside of my head. So it won't feel empty. So I'll have a side job."
I got even more confused.
What was she talking about?
I lowered the TV volume. All the way to zero.
Rule number three: When my wife is confused, I'm not allowed to be confused along with her. At the very least, I have to offer a solution. Whether she uses it or not comes last.
"Is your hair getting long? Oh, no, it's not. It's still short. Do you want to go to the salon?" I immediately took on two jobs at once: researcher and impromptu salesperson.
"Jeez, that's not what I mean, Angah!"
Okay, wrong answer. That meant I had to think even harder.
"Or ... do you want Big Brother to wash your hair for you?" This time, I geared up to be a professional assistant.
"Jeez, not that either!"
If both options were wrong in my wife's eyes, I figured it was okay to ask a question.
"So what are you thinking about, babe?"
"The outside of my head feels so empty," my wife said, and I nodded in agreement. "I'm thinking about keeping lice as pets, Angah!"
My jaw dropped. Keeping liiice?
"Head lice?"
My wife nodded, her eyes shining with delight.
I was ... completely speechless.
"Would it be better to ask for the eggs, the babies, or the adults?" Beside me, my wife kept rambling.
"If I ask for the eggs, they might not hatch by the time they get to my head. And if I get the babies, then for them to reproduce, I'd have to know which ones are male and which ones are female. Not to mention how long it would take for them to grow up."
I remained silent as a statue.
"I think I'll just ask for a pregnant adult female!" My wife snapped her fingers in the air, then got to her feet. "That way, the outside of my head will be lively right away."
"Hey, where are you going?" I came back to life as a makeshift statue.
"I'M GOING TO LOOK FOR A DINOSAUR MOTHER!"
I immediately started convulsing on the floor.