07.12
There was one thing Raka hated most about waking up.
It wasn't the alarm.
It wasn't morning classes.
It wasn't even the fact that humans had to leave their beds to get on with their lives.
What he hated most was when his hand automatically reached for his phone before his brain was fully awake.
That morning was no different.
His eyes were still half-closed, his hair was a mess, and one side of his face still bore a pillow mark, but his thumb was already busy opening notifications.
Family group chat.
Class group chat.
Sena had sent a video at two in the morning.
Food promotion.
Committee group chat.
Nothing from Lara.
Raka stared at the screen for a few seconds.
Then he realized what he was doing.
“What am I doing?”
He locked his phone.
Put it back down.
Five seconds later, he picked it up again.
Opened Lara's chat.
The last messages:
Lara: Kevar wants us to check the rundown again.
Raka: Okay.
That was it.
No late-night chat.
No deleted message.
No You up?
Nothing.
Weird.
Usually, one of them always found a reason to send something.
Sometimes it was important.
More often, it wasn't.
Two days ago, Lara had sent a picture of a cat sleeping on top of a motorcycle with only the caption:
Lara: you
Raka had replied:
Raka: I'm that handsome?
Lara:
Lara: We both sleep a lot.
The conversation had continued for almost an hour.
Now the chat room was silent.
Raka started typing.
Raka: Morning.
He stared at it.
Too ordinary.
Delete.
He typed again.
Raka: What time is class today?
Delete.
He already knew Lara's schedule.
That would sound even weirder.
Raka tried one more time.
Raka: You up?
His thumb stopped over the send button.
The bedroom door suddenly opened.
“Bro.”
Raka reflexively locked the screen.
Nayel stood in the doorway in a high school uniform that hadn't been tucked in properly.
“You scared me,” he said.
“Knock.”
“I did.”
“I didn't hear you.”
“That's your problem, Raka.”
“What's wrong?”
“The motorcycle.”
“What about it?”
“Lend it to me.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“You don't have a license yet.”
Nayel leaned against the door.
“Just to the front of the complex.”
“No.”
“Five minutes.”
“No.”
“What if I'm late?”
“Walk.”
“What if I'm tired?”
“Good. Exercise.”
Nayel snorted.
Then his eyes dropped to Raka's phone.
“Chatting with Lara?”
Raka immediately shoved the phone under his pillow.
“What the hell?”
Nayel grinned.
“Oh.”
“Oh, what?”
“I haven't even said anything.”
Raka froze.
The exact same line Sena had used yesterday.
Why was everyone around him so annoying?
“Get out.”
Nayel laughed.
“Say hi to Lara for me.”
“Get out.”
“Tell her Nayel supports your relationship.”
“I'LL THROW A SHOE AT YOU.”
The door slammed shut.
Nayel's laughter could be heard from outside.
Raka rubbed his face.
“Brat.”
He picked up his phone again.
The “You up?” message still hadn't been sent.
Raka deleted it.
He could chat with her tomorrow.
Or later on campus.
There was no need to make it weird.
A little after eleven, Kedai Sela was packed with students.
Almost every table was covered with laptops, books, drinks, and people who claimed they were working on assignments even though they spent most of their time scrolling through social media.
Raka arrived with Sena.
“The window table's empty,” Sena said.
Raka automatically looked over.
Empty.
That table usually—
He cut off the thought.
“Let's sit over here.”
Sena was already walking toward the window table.
“Why?”
“It's hot.”
“The AC is over there.”
“It's too bright.”
“There's a curtain.”
“It's noisy.”
Sena stopped.
Stared at Raka.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“This is your favorite table.”
“Who says?”
“Every time we come here, you sit there.”
“I can sit somewhere else.”
Sena narrowed his eyes.
Then something seemed to click.
“Oh.”
Raka immediately recognized that expression.
“Don't.”
“Lara's table.”
“Anybody's table.”
“But you usually sit there with Lara.”
“Sena.”
“Fine.”
Sena raised his hands.
They still sat at the table by the window.
Raka set down his bag.
Sena went to order.
Raka opened his laptop.
He had an assignment to finish before afternoon.
He had just typed the title when the little bell over Kedai Sela's door rang.
Raka had no intention of looking.
Absolutely none.
But he looked.
Lara walked in.
And Raka immediately felt stupid because his heart reacted just from seeing someone enter the café.
Lara wore a white T-shirt with a loose plaid shirt over it. Her hair hung loose.
She was looking at her phone and hadn't noticed Raka yet.
Raka almost raised a hand.
Almost.
Then someone walked in behind Lara.
Darel.
Raka's half-raised hand dropped again.
“Oh.”
The single word came out softly.
Lara turned.
Their eyes met.
She looked surprised.
“Raka?”
“Hmm.”
Darel looked over too.
“Hey, Rak.”
“Rel.”
Lara walked over.
“What are you doing?”
Raka looked at his laptop.
“Planting rice.”
Lara rolled her eyes.
“I'm asking nicely.”
“Doing homework.”
“Alone?”
“Sena's ordering.”
As if summoned by the universe, Sena returned carrying two drinks.
“Lara!”
He stopped when he saw Darel.
“Oh. Darel too.”
“Why'd your tone change?” Darel asked with a laugh.
“It didn't.”
“It did,” Raka said.
Sena set down the drinks.
“You guys want to sit here?”
Raka immediately glared at him.
Sena pretended not to notice.
Lara glanced at the other tables.
They were almost all full.
“If we're not bothering you.”
“Not at all,” Sena replied.
Raka stayed silent.
Lara looked at him.
“Am I bothering you?”
There were plenty of answers Raka could give.
Yes.
If you're with Darel, you are.
You didn't text me last night, and now you're showing up with him?
Of course, he couldn't say a single one without sounding like a possessive boyfriend who wasn't even her boyfriend.
“Go ahead and sit.”
Lara pulled out the chair across from Raka.
Darel sat beside her.
Great.
Just great.
Sena sat beside Raka.
Even better, because now he could see Raka's expression up close.
“Where were you guys?” Sena asked.
“The library,” Lara replied.
“Just the two of you?”
Raka kicked Sena's foot.
“Ow.”
Sena looked at him.
“What?”
“Mosquito.”
“Mosquitoes wear shoes?”
“Mutation.”
Lara held back a smile.
Darel laughed.
“We happened to run into each other at the library,” Darel explained. “I wanted to eat, and Lara hadn't eaten yet either.”
“Oh,” Sena said.
Raka took a drink.
No one had asked him anything.
But for some reason, he felt like that explanation had been meant for him.
“You guys want to order first?” Sena asked.
Darel nodded.
“I'll go up front.”
He stood.
Then turned to Lara.
“The usual?”
Lara nodded.
“Yeah. Thanks.”
Raka stopped drinking.
The usual?
Darel knew her usual order?
Since when?
Darel walked away.
Lara opened her laptop.
Raka stared at his own screen.
There was nothing wrong with it.
Nothing.
People could know their friends' orders.
Raka knew Sena's order.
Raka knew Kevar's order.
Raka even knew that Pak Herlambang always bought an Americano after afternoon classes.
Information didn't have romantic meaning.
“What's wrong with you?” Lara asked.
Raka didn't look at her.
“I'm doing homework.”
“Your page has been blank this whole time.”
Sena glanced at Raka's laptop.
She was right.
Other than the title, there was nothing.
“I'm thinking.”
“For the past ten minutes?”
“My thoughts are complex.”
Lara gave a small laugh.
The sound finally made Raka look at her.
Mistake.
Because whenever Lara laughed like that, Raka often forgot what he wanted to say.
“Didn't sleep last night?” Lara asked.
“I slept.”
“What time?”
“Why?”
“The bags under your eyes.”
Raka automatically touched his face.
“Do I look bad?”
“Not bad.”
“Rude.”
“But still human.”
“Thanks for the validation.”
Lara smiled.
For a few seconds, they were back to normal.
Then Darel returned with a tray.
One coffee.
One iced chocolate.
He set the chocolate in front of Lara.
“Forgot the straw,” Darel said.
“It's okay.”
Raka looked at the cup.
Iced chocolate.
Of course.
Lara's usual order.
Darel knew.
And for some reason, that tiny fact bothered him more than it should have.
“I'm going to the bathroom.”
Sena stood twenty minutes later.
Raka looked at him.
“Why are you telling me?”
“So if I disappear, you'll come looking for me.”
“Not a chance.”
“What kind of friend are you?”
Sena left.
Darel was taking a call outside.
That left Raka and Lara.
Silence.
Lara worked on something on her laptop.
Raka pretended to work on something too.
Then Lara said without looking up, “You don't like Darel?”
Raka's fingers stopped on the keyboard.
“Why?”
“You've been acting weird whenever he's around since yesterday.”
“That's just you.”
Lara finally looked at him.
“Raka.”
“Hmm?”
“I know you.”
Four simple words.
But they made something shift in Raka's chest.
He leaned back.
“I'm fine.”
“Liar.”
“Lately, you really love accusing me of lying.”
“Because you are lying.”
Raka spun his pen.
“I don't have a problem with Darel.”
“Then?”
“Then what?”
“Why are you in a bad mood?”
“I'm not in a bad mood.”
Lara stared at him for a long moment.
Raka stared back.
Neither of them wanted to lose.
Finally, Lara said, “Fine.”
She went back to her laptop.
Strangely, Raka didn't like it when she gave up asking.
“Are you and Darel close?”
The question escaped before he could filter it.
Lara slowly raised her head.
Raka wanted to take the words back.
Too late.
“Why are you asking?”
“Just wondering.”
“Wondering what?”
“Curious.”
One corner of Lara's mouth lifted slightly.
“Jealous?”
Raka laughed.
Too quickly.
“Why would I be?”
Lara's smile faded a little.
“I was just asking.”
“I'm not anything to you.”
The words came out.
And the moment he said them, Raka knew he'd chosen the wrong ones.
Lara fell silent.
Raka wanted to fix it.
But pride always worked faster than courage.
“So,” he continued, “whoever you get close to isn't my business.”
Lara stared at him.
Something changed in her face.
Just like yesterday in the hall.
“Oh.”
That was all.
Raka hated that word.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Lara.”
“You said it wasn't your business.”
She smiled.
It looked like a smile, but didn't feel like one at all.
Raka opened his mouth.
Darel returned.
“Sorry, that took a while. It was a call from home.”
The moment vanished.
Lara immediately shifted her laptop.
“Rel, where was that budget section you mentioned earlier?”
Darel sat beside her.
“Oh, here.”
They began discussing something.
Raka stared at his laptop.
The cursor blinked on the empty page.
One second.
Two.
Three.
He didn't type a thing.
“You're an idiot.”
That was the first thing Sena said after they left Kedai Sela.
Raka walked along the sidewalk toward campus.
“Thanks.”
“Seriously.”
“I know.”
“She asked if you were jealous.”
“So?”
“You told her it wasn't your business.”
“It isn't.”
Sena stopped walking.
Raka continued for a few steps before finally stopping too.
“What?”
Sena looked at him like he was a species that had failed to evolve.
“I want to know what's going on in your head.”
“My brain.”
“Doesn't seem like it.”
Raka snorted.
Sena caught up.
“If you're jealous, say so.”
“I'm not jealous.”
“Then why have you looked like you want to throw Darel into a river this whole time?”
“I'm tired.”
“Your excuse is always that you're tired.”
“Because I am tired.”
Sena shook his head.
“Rak.”
“What?”
“Darel likes Lara.”
Raka's steps slowed.
He turned.
Sena wasn't joking.
“How do you know?”
“He told me.”
“When?”
“A few days ago.”
“Why are you only telling me now?”
“Because I thought you'd figure it out yourself.”
Raka gave a small laugh.
There was nothing funny about it.
“And?”
“And what?”
“Does Lara know?”
“Probably not.”
Raka started walking again.
Faster.
Sena followed.
“Rak.”
“What?”
“I'm not telling you to compete with Darel.”
“Who said I want to compete?”
“I'm just telling you.”
“Fine. Now I know.”
“You're upset.”
“No.”
“It shows.”
Raka shoved his hands into his pockets.
There was a discomfort he couldn't explain.
Until now, Darel had only been a possibility.
Now he was something real.
Darel liked Lara.
And Darel wasn't the type to wait for months while deleting messages.
Sena seemed to read his mind.
“When Darel likes someone, he usually acts right away.”
Raka shot him a sharp look.
“Are you doing this on purpose?”
“I'm giving you facts.”
“Keep your facts to yourself.”
Sena sighed.
“Fine.”
They walked several yards in silence.
Then Sena said, “Just one more thing.”
Raka clicked his tongue.
“What?”
“The first person to arrive isn't always the one who gets chosen.”
Raka turned to him.
Sena slipped both hands into his pockets.
“Sometimes the person who gets chosen is the one who shows up clearly.”
Raka didn't answer.
For the first time since they'd started talking, Sena didn't continue either.
Lara didn't leave class until five-thirty.
The sky over Ranuwena was already beginning to darken.
Mirea waited for her at Teras Loka, reading something on her tablet.
As soon as she saw Lara approach, she put the tablet in her bag.
“What happened?”
Lara stopped.
“What do you mean?”
“Your face.”
Lara rolled her eyes.
“Why has everyone been commenting on my face today?”
“Then there must be a problem.”
They walked toward the gate.
“Raka,” Mirea guessed.
Lara said nothing.
“Darel?”
Lara still said nothing.
Mirea nodded to herself.
“Both of them.”
“Can you not act like you know everything?”
“I can. But am I right?”
Lara sighed.
“Darel didn't do anything.”
“Then it's Raka.”
Lara tugged on her bag strap.
“He said that whoever I get close to isn't his business.”
Mirea didn't answer right away.
“And?”
“That's it.”
“Are you mad?”
“No.”
“Disappointed?”
Lara fell silent.
That was her answer.
Mirea looked straight ahead.
“What did you want him to say?”
Lara wanted to answer that she didn't know.
But she did.
She wanted Raka to say no.
It was that simple.
Don't get close to Darel.
Then Lara might have asked why.
And maybe, just maybe, Raka would finally give her the reason she'd wanted to hear all this time.
But what came out instead was:
Not my business.
“I wasn't expecting anything,” she said at last.
Mirea let out a short laugh.
“Liar.”
“Why does everyone keep calling me a liar?”
“Because you and Raka are apparently a perfect match.”
Lara glared at her.
Mirea gave a faint smile.
They reached Halte Lajur Lima.
No vehicle had arrived yet.
They sat down.
Several students stood not far away.
Lara pulled out her phone.
There were no messages from Raka.
Of course.
Mirea glanced at it.
“Just text him.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“What would I say?”
“What you're actually thinking.”
Lara opened Raka's chat.
Her thumb began typing.
You said earlier that whoever I get close to isn't your business.
She stopped.
Deleted it.
Typed again.
If I really dated someone else someday, would you be okay with it?
Lara stared at the sentence.
This time, Mirea didn't peek.
Lara almost pressed send.
Then a notification appeared.
It wasn't from Raka.
Darel Atmaja
Are you home yet?
Lara opened the message.
Lara: Not yet. I'm at the bus stop.
The reply came quickly.
Darel: Alone?
Lara: With Mirea.
Darel: Okay. Be careful.
Simple.
Unambiguous.
It didn't make her guess.
A few seconds later, another message came in.
Darel: Lar, are you free tomorrow night?
Lara stared at the screen.
Mirea finally glanced over.
“Darel?”
Lara nodded.
The next message came in.
Darel: I want to take you out to dinner. Just the two of us.
Lara went silent.
There was no “This message was deleted.”
No three dots appearing and then vanishing.
No half-finished sentence.
Darel said it.
Clearly.
Directly.
Something Raka had never done.
“What should I say?” Lara asked.
Mirea asked in return, “Do you want to go?”
Lara looked at the screen.
She didn't know.
Before she could answer, their ride arrived.
22:36
Raka was helping Nayel with a presentation when his phone vibrated.
He picked it up.
The committee group chat.
Tavia had sent a photo.
Raka almost ignored it.
Until he saw the thumbnail.
He opened it.
The photo had been taken at Kedai Sela that afternoon.
He had no idea when.
Apparently, Tavia had stopped by for a moment and taken the picture from another table.
In the photo were Lara and Darel.
Darel was showing her something on his laptop.
Lara leaned closer, laughing.
Tavia's caption:
Tavia: found two hardworking humans 😭
Kevar replied:
Kevar: Is the rundown done yet?
Tavia:
Tavia: Your whole life is work, Var
Raka stared at the photo longer than he should have.
Nayel, sitting on the floor, noticed.
“Is that Lara?”
Raka immediately closed the group chat.
“Work on your slides.”
“Who’s the guy?”
“Her friend.”
“Oh.”
Nayel returned to his laptop.
Five seconds later:
“Her boyfriend?”
Raka stared at his younger brother.
“I don't know.”
“What?”
“Why?”
“How do you not know?”
“Why should I know?”
Nayel shrugged.
“I thought you knew everything about Lara.”
The line was simple.
But for some reason, it bothered him.
Raka stood.
“I need a drink.”
Even though his glass of water was still full.
He went to the kitchen.
He brought his phone with him.
There, Raka opened Lara's chat.
Typed:
What’s going on between you and Darel?
Delete.
Darel likes you.
Delete.
Are you going to campus tomorrow?
Delete.
He rubbed his face.
Sena was right.
If he kept this up, he'd be the one to go crazy.
Raka typed again.
Raka: Lar.
Send.
His heart beat a little faster.
Two check marks.
Not blue yet.
One minute.
Two minutes.
Then blue.
Lara is typing…
Raka waited.
The words disappeared.
Then appeared again.
Lara: What?
Raka took a breath.
This was his chance.
Ask.
Don't dance around it.
Don't delete it.
His thumb moved.
Raka: You and Darel—
He stopped.
Three words.
All he had to do was continue.
What's going on between you and Darel?
But then he remembered what he'd said that afternoon.
Whoever you get close to isn't my business.
Raka deleted it.
Replaced it.
Raka: What time is the meeting tomorrow?
He stared at the message.
Hating himself.
He pressed send anyway.
Lara replied a few seconds later.
Lara: 3.
Raka: Okay.
Done.
Raka leaned his back against the kitchen counter.
“Idiot.”
He didn't even know who he was cursing.
Maybe himself.
His phone vibrated again.
Lara.
Lara: Rak.
Raka opened it immediately.
Raka: Hmm?
Three dots appeared.
For a long time.
Then:
Lara: Never mind.
Raka stared at it.
Raka: What the hell?
Lara read the message.
No reply.
Raka waited.
Nothing.
At Paviliun Aster, Lara sat at her study desk.
Raka's chat was still open.
On the desk was a book she hadn't touched in an hour.
Darel's message still hadn't been answered.
Are you free tomorrow night? I want to take you out to dinner. Just the two of us.
Lara returned to Raka's chat.
Before deleting it, she had almost sent:
If Darel asks me out tomorrow, do you think I should say yes?
But she hadn't.
Because part of her was afraid Raka would answer:
Sure.
And Lara wasn't sure she could bear reading that.
Her phone vibrated again.
Darel.
Darel: It's okay if you're not comfortable. I just want to grab dinner :)
Lara stared at the message.
Then opened Raka's chat one more time.
There were no new messages.
Mirea was right.
One day, someone braver might come along.
Someone who wouldn't make Lara wait.
Someone who didn't hide his intentions behind jokes.
Someone who didn't delete a sentence before finishing it.
The problem was—
Lara wasn't sure someone's courage would be enough to make her heart move on.
She closed her eyes for a moment.
Then opened Darel's chat again.
Her thumb moved.
Lara: I can tomorrow night.
Send.
The reply came almost instantly.
Darel: Want me to pick you up at seven?
Lara stared at the screen for a long time.
Lara: Sure.
Done.
Simple.
Not as frightening as she'd imagined.
And yet, strangely, after accepting Darel's invitation, the first person who came to mind was still Raka.
And at that same moment, several kilometers from Paviliun Aster, Raka was staring at the photo of Lara with Darel once again.
Neither of them knew about the other's decision.
Raka didn't know that Lara would be going out with Darel tomorrow night.
Lara didn't know that tonight, Raka had almost asked whether he was allowed to be jealous.
Once again, they were separated by only a few sentences.
Sentences that had been typed.
Sentences that had almost been sent.
And courage that always arrived a few seconds too late.