# Chapter 4
If It's None of Your Business, Why Are You Jealous?
2:47 p.m.
Raka was already at Gedung Samasta thirteen minutes before the meeting started.
Sena, who had arrived with him, stopped in front of the door to make sure the room number hadn't changed.
“This is the Aksantara Week committee meeting room, right?”
Raka, who was opening his laptop, looked up.
“Yeah.”
“At three?”
“Yeah.”
“What time is it now?”
Raka checked the clock.
“Two forty-seven.”
Sena slowly walked in.
Set down his bag.
Pulled out a chair.
Then placed his palm against Raka's forehead.
Raka immediately swatted it away.
“What are you doing?”
“Do you have a fever?”
“I’m fine.”
“Doesn't look like it.”
“Why?”
Sena sat beside him.
“I've known you for five semesters, and this is the first time I've ever seen you show up before an event starts.”
“I can be on time.”
“This isn't on time. This is a natural phenomenon.”
Raka looked back at his laptop.
“Don't be dramatic.”
Sena narrowed his eyes.
Then glanced at the door.
Then looked back at Raka.
A smile slowly appeared.
“Oh.”
Raka didn't need to ask to know where his mind had gone.
“Don't start.”
“I haven't said anything.”
“Your face already said it.”
“Lara isn't here yet?”
Raka clicked his tongue.
“See?”
Sena laughed.
“So you really are waiting for Lara.”
“I got here early because I was done with my work.”
“Sure.”
“Sure what?”
“Sure, you can lie.”
Raka was about to answer when footsteps sounded from the hallway.
Reflexively, his eyes went to the door.
Tavia appeared.
Raka looked back at his laptop.
Sena saw everything.
“Not the one you were waiting for,” he whispered.
“I’m changing seats if you don't shut up.”
Tavia dropped her bag on the table.
“Wow, everyone's here.”
“Not everyone,” Sena said.
Raka kicked him.
“Ow!”
Tavia raised an eyebrow.
“What is wrong with you two?”
“Raka's being sensitive.”
“I’m normal.”
“That's what he says.”
Tavia sat down.
Several committee members began arriving.
Kevar came in carrying a stack of papers.
Darel arrived a few minutes later.
Raka gave him a quick glance.
Black shirt.
Watch.
Hair neater than usual.
Nothing strange.
Until Sena leaned closer and whispered,
“Darel looks really put together.”
Raka looked at him.
“So?”
“I’m just observing.”
“Keep your observations to yourself.”
Sena smiled.
At 3:02, Lara still hadn't arrived.
Raka started tapping the end of his pen against the table.
3:05.
Still nothing.
3:07.
Raka picked up his phone.
No messages.
Kevar was already standing at the front.
“Let's just start.”
Raka glanced at the door one more time.
Empty.
“Lara isn't here yet?” Tavia asked.
Kevar checked his phone.
“She said she was on her way.”
Raka lowered his head again.
Two minutes later, the door opened.
“Sorry.”
Lara came in, slightly out of breath.
Raka raised his head.
And for a few seconds, his brain seemed to forget how to do anything else.
Lara usually came to campus in simple clothes.
A button-down.
A T-shirt.
Jeans.
Sneakers.
Today wasn't all that different, really.
A cream-colored blouse, black pants, and hair that she usually tied back now falling past her shoulders.
But something was different.
He had no idea what.
Maybe it was because she was wearing a little makeup.
Maybe Raka was just paying way too much attention.
Lara looked around for a seat.
There was an empty chair beside Tavia.
And another beside Raka.
Raka did nothing.
Tavia did.
She put her bag on the chair beside her.
“Taken.”
Lara stared at the bag.
“Tav.”
“Important stuff.”
“It has a charger and crackers in it.”
“Crackers have rights too.”
Lara sighed.
In the end, she sat beside Raka.
Raka held back a smile.
“You're late.”
Lara pulled out her laptop.
“Traffic.”
“Your place is fifteen minutes away.”
Lara stopped.
She turned to him.
“How do you know that?”
Raka realized his mistake immediately.
“I've driven you before.”
“Oh.”
The corner of Lara's mouth lifted.
“I thought you were paying attention.”
“Don't flatter yourself.”
“Just say it.”
“Meeting.”
“It hasn't started.”
Kevar tapped the table.
“Now it has.”
Lara gave a small smile.
Raka stared at his laptop screen.
But a few seconds later, he caught the faint scent of perfume beside him.
It was unusual.
Raka turned slightly.
Lara was opening a document.
“Are you wearing perfume?”
The question came out before he could stop it.
Lara looked at him.
“Huh?”
“It's different.”
She smelled her own wrist.
“It's the usual.”
“No, it isn't.”
Lara narrowed her eyes.
“How do you know what my perfume usually smells like?”
Shit.
Raka cleared his throat.
“We sit close a lot.”
“Hmm.”
“What does ‘hmm’ mean?”
“Nothing.”
Lara smiled.
Raka grew even more suspicious.
Then he saw Darel across the table.
The guy was looking at Lara.
And smiling.
Lara smiled back.
Something immediately felt wrong.
The meeting ended at 4:50.
“I’ll send the final revisions tomorrow,” Kevar said.
Several people immediately began packing up.
Raka deliberately took his time putting his laptop away.
He didn't even know why.
Or maybe he did.
Lara was packing up too.
Darel approached.
“Lar.”
“Hmm?”
“So, we're still on?”
Raka, who was putting away his charger, stopped.
Lara nodded.
“Yep.”
“I'll pick you up at seven.”
“Okay.”
Raka stared at the charger in his hand.
Sena, standing beside him, froze.
Darel went back to get his bag.
Raka shoved the charger in a little too hard.
Lara turned to him.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“What did your laptop ever do to you?”
“What the hell?”
“Your stuff's been taking a beating since yesterday.”
“I’m fine.”
Lara shrugged.
She stood up.
Raka stood too.
“Where are you going?”
The question came out too quickly.
Lara looked at him.
“Home.”
“And then?”
“And then what?”
“At seven.”
“Oh.”
Lara slung her bag over her shoulder.
“Going out.”
“With Darel?”
Lara was silent for a moment.
“Yeah.”
Sena slowly moved away.
Tavia, who had been about to leave, slowed down too.
Raka shoved his hands into his pockets.
“Where?”
Lara raised one eyebrow.
“Why?”
“Just wondering.”
“I thought it wasn't your business.”
That hit home.
Raka fell silent.
Lara waited.
There was no answer.
Finally, she said, “We're just getting food.”
“Just the two of you?”
“Yeah.”
“Why does it have to be just the two of you?”
The moment the words left his mouth, the room suddenly felt too quiet.
Tavia stopped at the door.
Sena stared at the ceiling like he wanted no part of this.
Lara looked at Raka.
“Because he asked me out alone.”
“Oh.”
Raka nodded.
“Fine.”
Lara tilted her head.
“Fine?”
“Yeah.”
“Then why'd you ask?”
“It’s nothing.”
Lara let out a small sigh.
“You're weird.”
“I’m normal.”
“No, you're not.”
“Lara.”
“What?”
Raka almost said something.
Don't go.
The words appeared so clearly in his mind.
But then another question arose.
What right did he have?
He wasn't her boyfriend.
He wasn't her brother.
He wasn't anyone who could tell her what to do.
Raka finally said, “Be careful.”
Lara's expression changed.
Disappointed, or something else.
“Thanks.”
She walked out.
Darel was already waiting in the hallway.
They left together.
Raka stood there in silence.
Sena approached.
“I’m not going to call you an idiot.”
“Good.”
“Because you seem to already know.”
Raka picked up his bag.
“I’m going home.”
6:56 p.m.
Lara stood in front of her bedroom mirror.
For the third time.
Mirea, sitting on the bed, was starting to lose patience.
“Looks good.”
Lara fixed her hair.
“I didn't ask.”
“Your face did.”
“Is it too much?”
“No.”
“Does it look like I'm going on a date?”
Mirea was silent.
Lara turned around.
“Why'd you go quiet?”
“Because this is a date.”
“It isn't.”
“Lara.”
“We're just getting food.”
“Just the two of you.”
“Friends can eat together.”
“With a guy who's obviously interested in you?”
Lara picked up her lip balm.
“He hasn't said he likes me.”
“Not saying it doesn't mean it isn't obvious.”
Lara fell silent.
Mirea watched her best friend through the mirror.
“Do you actually want to go?”
“I do.”
“Because of Darel?”
Lara didn't answer.
Mirea continued, “Or because you want to see how Raka reacts?”
Lara turned around immediately.
“Why is this about Raka again?”
“Because when you told me about the meeting earlier, the most detailed part was Raka's expression when he found out you were going out with Darel.”
“That’s because he was being weird.”
“And you like that he's being weird.”
Lara picked up her bag.
“I’m leaving.”
Mirea laughed.
“What time will you be back?”
“I don't know.”
“What if Darel confesses?”
Lara's hand stopped on the doorknob.
She turned around.
“Don't be ridiculous.”
“What if?”
Lara was silent for several seconds.
“I don't know.”
“What if Raka confesses?”
Lara answered immediately, “That's even more impossible.”
But this time, her voice didn't sound certain.
Darel chose a place to eat in the center of Ranuwena.
It wasn't a fancy restaurant.
It wasn't too formal either.
There was a small garden in back, with lights hanging between the trees.
“I thought you'd take me somewhere expensive,” Lara said after they sat down.
Darel laughed.
“Why?”
“I don't know. Your vibe.”
“Rich-guy vibe?”
“Kind of.”
“You wound me.”
Lara laughed.
Conversation with Darel turned out to be easy.
There were no awkward silences.
They talked about campus, their families, events, movies, and professors they'd both had.
Darel was a good listener.
When Lara talked, he didn't stay busy looking at his phone.
He asked questions.
Remembered details.
And didn't force the conversation when Lara didn't want to answer something.
Lara should have felt comfortable.
And she did.
It's just—
Her phone sat beside her plate.
There were no notifications from Raka.
Lara hated the fact that she kept checking.
“Are you waiting for a text?”
Lara snapped back to reality.
Darel pointed at her phone.
“You've been looking at it all night.”
“No, I haven't.”
“Your boyfriend?”
Lara nearly choked on her drink.
“I don't have a boyfriend.”
“Good.”
Lara stopped.
Darel smiled faintly.
“Why is that good?”
“Means I wasn't wrong to ask you out.”
Lara's heart beat strangely.
Not because she felt the same way she did when she was with Raka.
More because she knew where this conversation was heading.
Darel leaned back.
“Can I be honest?”
Lara gave a small laugh.
“Usually when people say that, something scary comes next.”
“I'll make it as painless as possible.”
Lara waited.
Darel looked at her.
“I’m interested in you.”
There was no dramatic music.
No rain.
No message appearing and then being deleted.
Just one sentence.
Simple.
Clear.
Lara didn't have to guess what it meant.
Darel continued, “I’m not asking for an answer right now.”
Lara lowered her head for a moment.
“Rel…”
“I know.”
“Know what?”
“You might like someone else.”
Lara looked at him immediately.
Darel gave a small laugh.
“Your face is easy to read when it comes to that one person.”
Lara didn't say the name.
Neither did Darel.
But they both knew.
“There’s nothing going on between us.”
“I didn't say there was.”
“He also…”
Lara stopped.
He doesn't like me either.
For some reason, she found it incredibly hard to finish the sentence.
Darel picked up his glass.
“I’m not interested in competing with anyone.”
Lara looked at him.
“I just want you to know that I like you. After that, the decision is yours.”
It was that simple.
Lara almost wanted to laugh, because for months she'd hoped to hear a sentence like that.
Unfortunately, from someone else.
8:14 p.m.
Raka had opened Lara's story four times.
There were no new posts.
He closed the app.
Opened it again two minutes later.
Nothing.
“If you want to text her, just text her.”
Raka turned around.
Nayel was eating crackers on the living-room sofa.
“Who wants to text her?”
Nayel pointed at Raka's phone with his chin.
“Kak Lara.”
“Stay out of it.”
“I’m not interfering. I’m observing.”
Raka narrowed his eyes.
“You've been hanging out with Sena too much.”
Nayel laughed.
Raka looked at his phone again.
Sena had already sent five messages.
Sena: Lara leave yet?
Sena: Rak?
Sena: don't tell me you're stalking her story
Sena: HAHAHAHAHA
Sena: idiot
Raka replied:
Raka: I'm blocking you.
Sena immediately replied:
Sena: Jealous?
Raka locked his screen.
He went to the kitchen.
Had a drink.
Came back.
Sat down.
Picked up his phone.
8:17 p.m.
“She’s taking forever to eat,” he muttered.
Nayel turned to him.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
Raka opened Lara's chat.
He typed:
You home yet?
Deleted it.
Where are you?
Deleted it.
Having fun?
Deleted it.
He put down his phone.
Two minutes later, he picked it up again.
This time, he typed:
Raka: Lar.
Sent.
Two check marks.
Not blue yet.
Raka waited.
Five minutes.
Ten.
Unread.
Sena was right.
He was jealous.
And realizing it was much more annoying than denying it.
At 8:43 p.m., Lara's phone vibrated while Darel was paying.
She looked at the screen.
Raka
Lar.
Just one word.
But it was enough to make Lara stare at it for too long.
Darel came back.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
Lara slipped her phone into her bag without replying.
For the first time, she wanted to know what Raka would do if he didn't get an immediate answer.
9:02 p.m.
The message was still unread.
Raka paced around his room.
He picked up his phone.
Raka: You home yet?
Sent.
Two check marks.
Not blue yet.
Raka sat down.
Then stood again.
“What am I doing?”
His phone vibrated.
It wasn't Lara.
Sena.
Raka ignored it.
Five minutes later, both his messages turned blue.
Raka opened the chat immediately.
Lara is typing…
It disappeared.
Then appeared again.
Lara: Not yet.
Raka typed quickly.
Raka: Still with Darel?
Lara didn't reply right away.
Lara: Yeah.
Raka stared at the one word.
Raka: At this hour?
The reply came.
Lara: It's only nine.
Raka: You have class tomorrow.
Lara: At ten.
Raka: Still.
Lara read it.
She didn't reply.
Raka knew he sounded annoying.
He knew.
But he couldn't stop.
Raka: Is he taking you home?
Lara: Yeah.
Raka: Don't get home too late.
A long pause.
Then:
Lara: Why?
Raka fell silent.
A simple question.
Why?
Because I'm worried.
Because I don't like you being alone with him.
Because ever since I found out Darel liked you, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the possibility that you might like him back.
Because I'm jealous.
Raka typed:
Because I'm worried.
Deleted.
Because I don't like you being with him.
Deleted.
Finally:
Raka: It's not safe for a girl to get home late.
The moment it sent, Raka regretted it.
Lara's reply came quickly.
Lara: I can take care of myself.
Raka: I know.
Lara: Then?
Raka didn't know what to say.
Then another message came in.
Lara: I thought it wasn't your business.
Raka closed his eyes.
There it was again.
Raka: I’m just reminding you.
Lara: Okay.
One word.
Cold.
The conversation ended.
Raka threw his phone onto the bed.
“Idiot.”
Darel drove Lara to the front of Paviliun Aster at 9:30.
“Thanks,” Lara said.
“I’m the one who asked you out.”
“For the food too.”
Darel smiled.
“Don't forget what I said.”
Lara was silent for a moment.
“Yeah.”
“I’m not in a hurry.”
Darel walked back to his car.
Lara entered the boarding-house courtyard.
As soon as the car left, she took out her phone.
There were no new messages from Raka.
The irritation she'd felt earlier hadn't gone away.
I thought it wasn't your business.
She'd sent that line on purpose.
Partly because she was annoyed.
Partly because she wanted Raka to deny it.
Raka hadn't denied it.
I’m just reminding you.
Lara exhaled.
“So annoying.”
She went into her room.
Mirea still wasn't home.
Lara dropped her bag.
Sat on the edge of the bed.
She set down her phone.
Picked it up again.
She opened Raka's chat.
Typed:
Darel said he likes me.
Her thumb stopped.
What if she sent it?
Would Raka get jealous?
Would he tell her not to accept?
Or would he just reply:
Oh. Good for you.
Lara deleted it.
Then she remembered something.
What Darel had said.
I just want you to know that I like you. After that, the decision is yours.
It was that simple.
Why couldn't Raka ever do the same?
Or maybe there really was nothing for him to say.
The thought made Lara's chest feel heavy.
She put down her phone.
11:51 p.m.
Raka still wasn't asleep.
He stared at the ceiling.
Then his phone vibrated.
Lara.
Raka opened it immediately.
Lara: Rak.
His heart pounded.
Raka: What is it?
A long pause.
Lara is typing…
It disappeared.
Then appeared again.
Lara: I want to ask you something.
Raka: Ask.
The three dots appeared again.
Almost a minute passed.
Then the message arrived.
Lara: If someone likes me, do you think I should give him a chance?
Raka didn't move.
He knew.
No name was necessary.
No explanation.
Darel.
Raka read the message over and over.
His thumb began to type.
Don't.
One word.
So easy.
He stared at it.
If he sent it, Lara would definitely ask why.
And this time, he would have to answer.
Raka deleted it.
Typed:
If you like him, yeah.
He stopped.
Deleted it.
Typed again.
It's up to you.
Deleted it.
Raka stood up.
Walked to the window.
Returned to the bed.
Lara's message was still waiting.
He finally typed:
Raka: Is it Darel?
Lara read it.
Lara: Hypothetically, yeah.
Raka swallowed.
Raka: He told you?
Lara: Yeah.
So it was true.
Darel had said it.
Sena had been right too.
That guy didn't wait around.
Raka closed his eyes.
Lara sent another message:
Lara: So?
Raka knew the answer he really wanted to give.
Don't give him a chance.
Because I don't want you to.
Because I like you.
But the more important the words were, the harder it was for his thumb to move.
Finally, he typed:
Raka: If you think he's a good guy, give it a shot.
Sent.
Raka immediately wanted to take the message back.
Too late.
Two check marks.
Blue.
There was no reply.
One minute.
Two.
Five.
Raka stared at the screen.
Raka: Lar?
Read.
No reply.
At Paviliun Aster, Lara stared at the message without blinking.
If you think he's a good guy, give it a shot.
So that was his answer.
Maybe it really had been that simple from the beginning.
Raka wasn't jealous.
He didn't mind.
He didn't care who approached her.
All the attention Lara had considered special might really have been nothing more than the way Raka treated a friend.
Lara gave a small laugh.
Idiot.
She was the one who had read too much into everything.
Her phone vibrated again.
Raka: Lar?
Lara didn't answer.
Her eyes began to burn.
She was angry at herself because something Raka had never promised could still feel like rejection.
She opened Darel's chat.
His last message was still there.
Darel: Let me know when you get to your room.
Lara hadn't replied yet.
She typed.
Lara: I've been back for a while. Thanks for tonight.
Darel replied quickly.
Darel: You're welcome :)
Then:
Darel: Don't worry about what I said earlier right now.
Lara stared at it.
Clear.
Once again, Darel was always clear.
Lara typed:
Lara: What if I said I wanted to get to know you better?
Her thumb stopped over the send button.
She felt a little afraid.
Not because of Darel.
Because after sending that message, something might really change.
Lara opened Raka's chat again.
Raka: Lar?
A new message appeared beneath it.
Raka: Are you mad?
Lara stared at Raka's name for a long time.
Then she went back to Darel's chat.
The sentence was still there.
What if I said I wanted to get to know you better?
She pressed send.
12:13 a.m.
Raka was still waiting.
There was no reply.
He started typing:
I was kidding earlier.
Deleted.
Actually, I don't want you to give him a chance.
Deleted.
Lara, I've—
Raka stopped.
His heart pounded.
He read the two words.
Lara, I've—
All he had to do was finish.
I like you.
Four letters.
Three letters.
Done.
But then the same fear returned.
What if Lara didn't feel the same way?
What if last night's message hadn't really been about him?
What if everything changed after he confessed?
Raka held his thumb there for several seconds.
Then deleted the sentence.
The screen was empty again.
No message was sent.
Raka didn't know that at almost the exact same time, another message had just reached Darel's phone.
A message that could have been prevented with just one sentence from him.
Darel read Lara's message twice.
A smile slowly appeared.
He replied:
Darel: I’d be really happy.
Lara stared at the reply.
Then her phone vibrated again.
Raka.
Raka: Fine. Go to sleep, okay?
Lara read it.
The smile that had briefly appeared disappeared immediately.
She typed:
Lara: Yeah.
Sent.
Raka:
Raka: Good night.
Lara:
Lara: Night.
The conversation ended.
There was no fight.
No confession.
No one knew that both of them had been hurt that night by the words they had chosen themselves.
Raka set down his phone, thinking that Lara might give Darel a chance.
Lara turned off the light, convinced that Raka had never wanted her to be anything more than a friend.
When, just minutes earlier, Raka had needed to add only four letters after one simple sentence.
Lara, I've—
I like you.
But like so many things between them, those words never made it through.
And sometimes, the message that changes your life the most isn't the one that gets sent.
It's the one that's deleted before the other person ever knows they were chosen.