Chapter 7
The Distance We Create Ourselves
07:04
There was no good-morning text.
Raka noticed at seven oh-four.
It wasn't actually strange.
Lara didn't text him every morning. Sometimes Raka was the one who started things. Sometimes they didn't talk until noon. Sometimes the previous night's conversation hadn't really ended and simply continued when one of them woke up.
But this morning was different.
Raka opened their chat.
The last messages were still the same.
Raka: Good night, Lar.
Lara: Good night.
Nothing else.
No sticker.
No breakfast photo.
No complaints about her morning class.
Raka stared at the message box.
Usually, he could just type anything.
Wake up.
What time's class?
Don't be late.
Or simply send a photo of the sky from his bedroom window.
Now his thumb wouldn't move.
Lara's words from last night were still clear in his mind.
I'm trying to seriously give Darel a chance.
And before that—
From now on, don't be like this anymore, okay?
Raka understood what she meant.
A boundary.
Lara was drawing a boundary.
And after all his infuriating behavior, Raka had no right to cross it just because he didn't like being on the other side.
He locked his phone.
“Starting today.”
Raka got out of bed.
Don't text first.
Don't ask what Lara was doing.
Don't look for excuses to see her.
Don't get jealous.
Don't act like someone with greater rights.
If Lara wanted to seriously get to know Darel, Raka would respect that.
Simple.
At least, it sounded simple for the first five minutes.
07:31
Raka opened his phone.
No message from Lara.
He closed it.
07:46
He opened it again.
Still nothing.
08:03
Nayel, who was putting on his shoes in the living room, looked at his older brother.
“Bro.”
“Hm?”
“If you keep staring at your phone screen, the chat isn't going to appear by itself.”
Raka immediately locked the screen.
“Who says I'm waiting for a chat?”
Nayel tied his shoelaces.
“I didn't say you were waiting for a chat.”
Raka fell silent.
Nayel smiled.
“Why are you getting defensive?”
Raka grabbed a sofa cushion.
Nayel immediately ran.
“Mom! Raka's being mean because of Lara!”
“GET TO SCHOOL!”
Nayel's laughter could be heard until the front door closed.
Raka dropped the cushion.
His phone vibrated.
He grabbed it immediately.
The class group chat.
Raka clicked his tongue.
He really needed to stop acting like this.
At Paviliun Aster, Lara was doing almost the same thing.
The difference was, she wouldn't admit it—not even to herself.
At seven, she opened Raka's chat.
Seven twenty.
Eight o'clock.
No messages.
Usually, if Raka knew she had a morning class, he'd send something.
Sometimes:
Raka: Wake up, hey.
Sometimes:
Raka: Don't tell me you're still asleep.
Once, he'd sent nothing but a photo of coffee with the caption:
Raka: I'm alive. You?
Today, there was nothing.
Lara put her phone down.
“Good.”
This was exactly what she'd asked for.
Raka finally understood.
No more excessive attention.
No more questions about Darel.
No more acting like they were more than friends.
Good.
Very good.
Her phone vibrated.
Lara looked at it immediately.
Darel
Darel: Morning. Don't forget to eat breakfast.
Lara smiled faintly.
Lara: Morning. I did already.
Darel:
Darel: Are you lying?
Lara looked at the untouched bread on the table.
Lara: I was just about to 😭
Darel: Knew it.
Lara laughed softly.
Mirea came out of the bathroom, drying her hair.
“Darel?”
Lara nodded.
“What about him?”
“You're smiling.”
Lara lifted her phone.
“He told me to eat breakfast.”
“Good.”
“Yeah.”
Mirea walked over to the wardrobe.
Lara looked at the chat again.
Darel was clear.
Warm.
Attentive.
He didn't make her guess.
Exactly what Lara had always thought she needed.
And yet, when her phone returned to the home screen, her eyes still searched for another name among the notifications.
There wasn't one.
That afternoon, Universitas Aksantara was busier than usual.
Preparations for Aksantara Week were entering the final stage.
Banners were being hung.
Several booths were starting to be assembled.
Gedung Samasta was filled with boxes, cables, stationery, and students who looked like they hadn't slept in two days.
Raka was carrying a rolled-up banner when Tavia called out.
“Rak!”
“What?”
“Catch.”
A pair of scissors flew through the air.
Raka almost missed them.
“What if they hit my face?”
“Then it was fate.”
“I'm reporting you to Kevar.”
“Kevar likes me better.”
“Kevar doesn't like anyone except the schedule.”
Kevar's voice came from behind them.
“I heard that.”
Tavia fell silent immediately.
Raka laughed.
For a while, everything felt normal.
Until Lara walked in.
Raka saw her.
Reflexively.
Lara saw him too.
Their eyes met.
Usually, one of them would walk over.
Not today.
Lara only gave him a small smile.
Raka answered with a nod.
Then he went back to carrying the banner.
Three seconds.
That brief.
But it was enough to make Lara pause for a fraction of a second.
Mirea, walking beside her, noticed.
“I thought you wanted boundaries.”
Lara turned to her.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
Mirea walked ahead.
Lara stared at Raka's back.
Strange.
She was the one who had asked for this.
So why did it feel like a punishment when Raka actually did it?
The meeting started at two.
This time, Lara sat beside Mirea.
Raka sat at the end of the table with Sena.
They were less than four meters apart.
And yet it felt far.
Kevar was explaining the task assignments.
“The publicity division starts at eight tomorrow.”
Tavia raised her hand.
“Objection.”
“Denied.”
“I haven't even said anything.”
“You were definitely going to ask for ten.”
“Nine.”
“Denied.”
“Dictator.”
Kevar ignored her.
Usually, Raka would nudge Lara through chat during meetings.
They had a habit of commenting on people without saying anything out loud.
Lara opened her phone.
Nothing.
She glanced at Raka.
He was taking notes.
Seriously.
Lara looked back at her screen.
Without thinking, she opened Raka's chat.
Typed:
Kevar would probably schedule his wedding reception by the minute.
The sentence was ready to send.
Usually, Raka would reply:
Reception at 7:00 p.m., divorce at 9:30 because of overtime.
Lara almost smiled imagining it.
Her thumb stopped.
Wasn't she the one who had asked for distance?
She deleted it.
Closed the chat.
A few seconds later, Raka's phone lit up.
Lara glanced over instinctively.
Raka read something.
He smiled.
Lara's chest felt strange.
Who was it?
She immediately got angry with herself.
It wasn't her business.
Now the same applied both ways.
“Did you do that on purpose?”
Sena asked after the meeting ended.
Raka put his laptop in his bag.
“What?”
“Not talking to Lara.”
“I talked to her.”
“When?”
“This morning.”
“You only said, ‘The sponsor file's with Kevar.’”
“That counts as talking.”
Sena stared at him.
“Are you sulking?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
Raka closed his bag.
“She asked me not to be like I was yesterday.”
“Yeah.”
“So I'm respecting that.”
Sena nodded slowly.
“Good.”
Raka looked slightly surprised.
“That's new.”
“What is?”
“I thought you'd call me an idiot again.”
“You are an idiot.”
“There it is.”
“But this time, your decision is right.”
Sena stood.
“If Lara wants to try things with Darel, give her space.”
Raka nodded.
“I know.”
“But…”
Raka looked at him.
Sena pointed at his chest.
“Don't lie to yourself.”
Raka gave a humorless laugh.
“Too late.”
“Not necessarily.”
Raka was about to answer when Darel entered the room.
“Where's Lara?”
Raka immediately went quiet.
Sena noticed.
Then answered, “Probably downstairs.”
“Okay.”
Darel was about to leave.
Raka called out.
“Rel.”
Darel turned.
“Hm?”
There were so many things Raka wanted to ask.
What are you and Lara now?
Are you serious about her?
Does she like you?
But Raka had no right.
In the end, he only said, “Never mind.”
Darel looked at him for a moment.
Then gave him a faint smile.
“Okay.”
He left.
Sena said nothing.
And for some reason, that was even more annoying.
Darel found Lara at Teras Loka.
“Done?”
Lara turned.
“Yeah.”
“Eat?”
“Now?”
“It’s four.”
Lara looked at the time.
He was right.
She hadn't even realized she hadn't eaten lunch.
“Sure.”
Darel smiled.
They walked toward the gate.
From the second floor of Gedung Samasta, Raka saw them.
By accident.
At least, that's what he wanted to believe.
Lara and Darel walked side by side.
Darel said something.
Lara laughed.
Raka put both hands in his pockets.
Sena appeared beside him.
“Don't.”
“Don't what?”
“Don't torture yourself.”
“I'm just standing here.”
“You're standing here watching them.”
Raka looked away.
“I'm done.”
Sena patted his shoulder.
“Come on.”
Raka followed.
This time, he didn't look back.
The following days changed slowly.
Nothing dramatic.
No major fight.
It was the small changes that hurt the most.
Raka stopped sending good-morning texts.
Lara stopped sending random photos.
There were no more midnight calls.
When they discussed the committee work, they spoke only as much as necessary.
When they ran into each other, they still said hello.
Still joked around.
Still looked like two people who were perfectly fine.
Only, a lot of their habits were gone.
And it turned out losing those habits hurt far more than either of them had imagined.
Day Three
Lara sat alone at Kedai Sela.
At a table near the window.
She arrived first.
Without realizing it, she put her bag on the chair beside her instead of the one across from her.
The chair in front of her remained empty.
Habit.
A server came over.
“By yourself, miss?”
Lara nodded.
“Yeah.”
“Would you like to order?”
“Iced chocolate.”
The server wrote it down.
Then asked, “And one sugar-free milk coffee?”
Lara froze.
“Oh.”
Apparently, the server had assumed Raka would be coming.
Lara gave a faint smile.
“No. Just one.”
“Okay.”
The server left.
Lara opened her laptop.
Ten minutes.
Twenty.
Every time the doorbell rang, her eyes automatically lifted.
It wasn't Raka.
Lara was annoyed with herself.
She picked up her phone.
Raka's chat had dropped far down the list.
She opened it.
The last messages were from two days ago.
Raka: I sent the revised file to the group.
Lara: Okay, thanks.
That was it.
Lara typed:
Where are you?
Deleted.
Going to Sela?
Deleted.
Finally, she placed the phone facedown.
Lara returned to her laptop.
The chair across from her remained empty.
Day Four
Raka was eating dinner when Bu Meira asked,
“Lara hasn't been over in a while.”
Raka's spoon stopped.
“She’s busy.”
“Oh.”
His mother continued eating.
Nayel didn't.
“Did you two fight?”
“No.”
“Did you break up?”
“We weren't dating.”
“That's why I asked if you fought.”
Raka stared at him.
Nayel shrugged.
“Lara used to call all the time.”
Bu Meira turned to him.
“She doesn't anymore?”
Raka took a drink.
“She’s busy.”
The same excuse.
The more often he said it, the more it sounded like a lie.
Day Five
Aksantara Week was only a week away.
The entire committee worked until night.
At 9:20 p.m., Lara sat on Tangga Timur.
Alone.
That place used to belong to her.
Then, without realizing it, it became theirs.
Lara hugged her knees.
It had been an exhausting day.
Kevar had gotten angry because the vendor was late.
Tavia had nearly cried because the design needed revisions.
Darel was out with the field team.
Mirea had already gone home with a headache.
On days like this, Lara usually went looking for Raka.
She didn't need to tell him much.
Just sitting together was enough.
Sometimes Raka would give her a drink.
Sometimes food.
Sometimes, he'd only say:
“Tired?”
And somehow, that one word was enough.
Now there was nothing.
Lara opened her phone.
She stared at Raka's name.
Online.
She typed:
Rak.
Stopped.
Just send it.
Friends were still allowed to contact friends.
Weren't they still friends?
Lara's thumb moved.
But before she could hit send, footsteps sounded.
Lara deleted it.
Locked the screen.
Raka appeared from the hallway.
They both stopped.
“Oh,” Raka said.
“Hm.”
“Not going home yet?”
“Not yet.”
“Darel?”
Lara immediately turned to him.
Raka hurriedly added, “I mean, the field team is still out, right?”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Silence again.
Raka pulled something from his bag.
Bread.
He handed it to Lara.
“What the hell?”
“Eat.”
“I'm not hungry.”
“Whenever you're tired, you always say you're not hungry.”
Lara fell silent.
Raka still remembered.
Of course he did.
“Take it.”
Lara accepted it.
“Thanks.”
“Hm.”
She opened the wrapper.
Took a small bite.
Raka stared at the dark courtyard ahead of them.
Lara wanted to say something.
So many things.
Why did we become like this?
Do you miss me?
Why are you really pulling away now?
But wasn't she the one who had asked for this?
In the end, Lara only said, “I'm tired.”
Raka turned to her.
“Really tired?”
Lara nodded.
Raka smiled faintly.
“One more week.”
“Hm.”
“Then sleep for three days.”
Lara laughed softly.
Raka smiled too.
And for a few seconds, the distance disappeared.
They became the old Raka and Lara again.
Lara almost forgot everything.
Until her phone vibrated.
Darel.
Darel: Lar, I'm back. Where are you?
Raka didn't see the message.
But he saw the name on the screen.
His expression changed slightly.
He stood.
“I'm heading out.”
Lara looked at him.
“Why?”
“I have work to do.”
“You said you were finished.”
Raka froze.
Lara stood too.
“Rak.”
“Hm?”
“Sit back down.”
Raka looked at her.
“Darel's looking for you.”
“Let him.”
“Lar.”
“Five minutes.”
There was something in Lara's voice that kept Raka from leaving.
He sat down again.
This time, Lara sat beside him.
Not a meter away.
Only a few centimeters.
Raka held his breath.
“Why?” he asked.
Lara looked straight ahead.
“I miss you.”
The world stopped.
Raka slowly turned to her.
“What?”
Lara panicked immediately.
“I miss being friends with you.”
Oh.
Of course.
Raka looked straight ahead again.
“Thought you meant something else.”
Lara gripped the bread wrapper.
“You don't?”
Raka could lie.
He should lie.
But he was tired.
“Yeah.”
Lara turned to him.
Raka smiled faintly.
“I miss you too.”
Neither of them spoke for several seconds.
Only the distant sound of vehicles outside campus reached them.
Lara said, “Why does this have to become so weird?”
Raka gave a small laugh.
“Because we're weird.”
“I'm serious.”
Raka fell silent.
Then said, “Maybe distance really is better.”
Lara stared at him.
“For whom?”
The question left Raka unable to answer.
Lara continued, “For me?”
Raka remained silent.
“Or for you?”
“For everyone.”
“Safe answer.”
“It is.”
Lara shook her head.
“I hate your safe answers.”
Raka gave a humorless laugh.
“I know.”
Lara's phone vibrated again.
This time, it was a call.
Darel.
Lara rejected it.
Raka looked at her.
“Why'd you reject it?”
“I was talking to you.”
“He's looking for you.”
“He can wait.”
Raka sighed.
“Lar, don't make this harder for me.”
Lara frowned.
“What?”
“I'm trying.”
“Trying to do what?”
Raka looked at her.
There was too much honesty in his eyes.
“Keep my distance.”
Lara froze.
“Why?”
Raka gave a small laugh.
“You were the one who asked me to.”
“I asked you to stop controlling me. Not disappear.”
“I haven't disappeared.”
“Feels the same to me.”
Raka swallowed.
Lara stared at him.
“Why do you have to keep your distance?”
Raka wanted to say, Because I don't know how to stay close to you without hoping for more.
The words almost came out.
But then he remembered Darel.
Lara was giving him a chance.
Raka stood.
“Because it's the right thing to do.”
Lara stood too.
“According to who?”
“Me.”
“Why do you always decide everything on your own?”
Raka fell silent.
“When I got close to Darel, you got mad on your own.”
“I already apologized.”
“Now you're pulling away on your own.”
“Lara—”
“So what am I supposed to do?”
Lara's voice began to tremble.
“Wait until you decide whether you want to be close or far away?”
Raka looked at her.
“You have Darel.”
The moment the words left his mouth, Lara's expression changed.
“So this is about Darel.”
“It isn't.”
“Liar.”
“I just don't want to get in the way.”
“Who said you were in the way?”
“If you're serious about him—”
“I'm not dating Darel yet.”
Raka stopped.
Lara stared at him.
“I only said I wanted to try getting to know him.”
Raka didn't know why that information gave him a relief he had no right to feel.
“It's still the same.”
“What is?”
“He likes you.”
“Yeah.”
“And I—”
Raka stopped.
Lara waited.
“And you what?”
One more sentence.
Just one.
Raka looked into Lara's eyes.
His heart pounded.
And I like you too.
His mouth almost opened.
Then Darel's voice came from the hallway.
“Lara?”
They immediately moved a little farther apart.
Darel appeared.
He looked at Lara.
Then Raka.
A brief silence fell.
“Sorry,” he said. “I've been looking everywhere for you.”
Lara nodded.
“My phone was on silent.”
Darel looked at Raka.
“Rak.”
“Rel.”
Raka picked up his bag.
“I'm going home.”
Lara turned to him.
“Raka.”
“Hm?”
She wanted to ask him to stay.
But with Darel standing there, the words felt wrong.
In the end, Lara only said, “Be careful.”
Raka nodded.
“You too.”
He left.
Darel watched his back.
Then looked at Lara.
“Did you two fight again?”
Lara sighed.
“I don't know.”
Darel didn't ask anything else.
And for some reason, that only made Lara feel guiltier.
That night, Raka took the bus home.
He chose a seat by the window.
Kota Ranuwena moved past outside.
Store lights.
Motorcycles.
People heading home from work.
His phone vibrated.
Sena.
Sena: Still on campus?
Raka:
Raka: Heading home.
Sena: Lara?
Raka:
Raka: With Darel.
Sena:
Sena: You okay?
Raka stared at the question.
This time, he didn't want to lie.
Raka: No.
Sena's reply came a few seconds later.
Sena: Want me to call?
Raka:
Raka: No need.
Sena: Okay.
No advice.
No teasing.
Raka was grateful.
He rested his head against the window.
Then opened Lara's chat.
He didn't type anything.
He only read their old conversations.
Scrolled up.
A week.
A month.
Two months.
There were thousands of messages.
Photos of food.
Complaints about assignments.
Stickers.
Voice notes.
Jokes.
Arguments.
Raka stopped at an old conversation.
Lara: If I disappeared, would you look for me?
Raka: Depends.
Lara: Depends on what?
Raka: Have you paid off your debt yet?
Lara: Gross.
Below that, Raka had once typed:
Raka: Of course I'd look for you.
Lara replied:
Lara: Why?
And Raka:
Raka: Who else would I bully every day?
Raka smiled bitterly.
Even back then, he had always found a way to hide behind jokes.
The bus stopped.
Raka locked the screen.
Maybe distance really was better.
Maybe, over time, his feelings would disappear.
Maybe.
At 11:17 p.m., Lara still hadn't gone to sleep.
Darel had already sent her a good-night text.
Lara replied.
But her thoughts were still on Tangga Timur.
I miss you too.
Raka's words kept repeating in her mind.
Lara opened the chat.
Typed:
Are you home?
Stopped.
Weren't they trying to keep their distance?
She deleted it.
Five minutes later, she typed again.
Rak.
Deleted.
Lara put her phone down.
Lay back.
Closed her eyes.
She couldn't.
She picked up her phone again.
This time, she didn't type.
She opened Raka's profile.
Online.
Lara stared at the word.
Elsewhere, Raka was opening the same chat too.
Two people.
Two screens.
Two online statuses.
Neither of them sent anything.
Five minutes.
Ten.
Then Raka went offline.
Lara sighed.
She was about to lock the screen when a notification appeared.
Not a chat.
An email.
Lara opened it.
At first, she read it casually.
The first line.
The second.
Then her body slowly straightened.
She reread it from the beginning.
Congratulations. You have passed the final selection stage of the Meridian Student Mobility Program…
Lara's heart began beating faster.
Her eyes moved down to the next section.
Program duration: one semester.
Then the location.
Not Kota Ranuwena.
Not even a nearby city.
Lara covered her mouth.
She had applied for the program nearly three months ago.
Before everything had become this complicated.
Before Darel.
Before the deleted message.
Before she realized that leaving Kota Ranuwena might not be as easy as she had once imagined.
The departure date was clearly listed.
Four weeks from now.
Lara stared at the screen.
The first thing that came to mind wasn't school.
Not housing.
Not Mirea.
Not even Darel.
Raka.
Her hand immediately opened the chat.
Typed:
Rak, I got in.
Stopped.
She wanted to send it.
Desperately.
Because all this time, whenever something big happened, Raka had always been the first person she wanted to tell.
But now they were trying to keep their distance.
And another part of Lara wanted to know something.
If she didn't say anything—
would Raka come looking for her?
Lara deleted the sentence.
She placed the phone on the table.
The email was still open.
Four weeks.
Only four weeks.
And for the first time, the distance between them wasn't something they had created themselves.
Soon, that distance would have a name.
A city.
A journey.
And a departure date that couldn't be deleted just because they weren't ready to face it.