Chapter 6
Don't Act Like I Belong to You
06:23
Lara woke up because her phone was hot.
It lay beside her pillow, still plugged into the charger, its screen dark and its temperature high enough to make her wince when she touched it.
She slowly opened her eyes.
It took her a few seconds to remember what had happened the night before.
Raka.
A phone call.
Rain.
They had talked about a lot of things.
Then—
Lara checked her call history.
Raka Elvano Voice call — 2 hours 16 minutes
Lara sat straight up.
“Two hours?”
She tried to remember when their conversation had ended.
She couldn’t.
The last thing she remembered was Raka talking about something involving Sena, then saying not to leave her yet.
After that, nothing.
So she must’ve fallen asleep.
Lara opened their chat.
There were no messages from Raka after the call.
She typed:
Lara: I fell asleep last night, didn’t I?
Two check marks.
Not blue yet.
Lara waited a few seconds.
Nothing.
She was about to put her phone down when a strange fragment of memory surfaced.
A voice.
Faint.
Very faint.
Like someone speaking from far away.
Lara closed her eyes.
What?
She tried to remember.
She couldn’t.
Maybe it had been a dream.
Her phone vibrated.
Raka: Yeah.
Lara:
Lara: Why didn’t you hang up?
Raka: You said not to leave you.
The corner of Lara’s mouth lifted.
Lara: So you waited with me?
Raka took a long time to reply.
Raka: I felt bad for you.
Lara’s smile vanished.
“What a jerk.”
She typed:
Lara: Who asked you to feel sorry for me?
Raka: You did.
Lara: I said not to leave me. I didn’t ask you to feel sorry for me.
Raka: Same thing.
Lara: Not even close.
Raka: Debating first thing in the morning.
Lara was about to reply when another message came in.
Raka: You have class today?
Lara: Until two.
Raka: After that?
Lara stopped.
She remembered her plans with Darel.
Lara: I have something to do.
Three dots appeared immediately.
Raka: With Darel?
Lara stared at the question.
How did he always know?
Lara: Yeah.
The three dots disappeared.
No reply came.
One minute.
Then:
Raka: Oh.
That was all.
Lara locked her phone a little harder than necessary.
“Why am I so annoyed?”
No one answered.
Raka reread their morning conversation while sitting at the dining table.
I have something to do.
With Darel?
Yeah.
He stabbed his egg with a fork.
Hard.
Nayel, sitting across from him, stopped chewing.
“Bro.”
“Hmm?”
“You killed the egg.”
Raka looked at him.
“What?”
“You keep stabbing it.”
Raka looked at his plate.
He was right.
The egg was already in pieces.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Love problems?”
Raka slowly raised his head.
“You’re sixteen.”
“Yeah.”
“Focus on school.”
“So I’m right.”
“Nayel.”
Nayel laughed.
Bu Meira came from the kitchen carrying a food container.
“Are you two already arguing this early?”
“No, Mom,” Nayel answered. “Raka’s heartbroken.”
Raka kicked his little brother’s leg under the table.
“Ow!”
Bu Meira turned to her eldest son.
“Heartbroken?”
“No.”
“Lara?” Nayel asked.
“NAYEL.”
Instead, Bu Meira smiled faintly.
“Oh, Lara.”
Raka covered his face.
Why did everyone know?
“It’s nothing, Mom.”
His mother didn’t ask any further.
She simply set a food container in front of Raka.
“Take this.”
“What is it?”
“Lemper.”
“For what?”
“Your friends.”
Raka opened the container.
“That’s a lot.”
“Share it.”
Nayel cut in, “Lara likes Mom’s lemper.”
Raka immediately looked at him.
Nayel smiled.
“She ate three last time.”
Raka remembered.
Of course.
Lara had once come to their house with several friends from the organizing committee.
She’d even asked for two to be wrapped up so she could take them home.
Bu Meira said casually, “If you see Lara, give her some.”
Raka closed the container.
“Yeah.”
Only then did he realize it.
Why had that answer come out automatically?
At 2:20 p.m., Raka was at Gedung Samasta.
There was no meeting that day.
He only needed to deliver some documents to Kevar.
At least, that was the excuse he gave himself.
Sena didn’t believe him.
“You know Lara gets out of class at two.”
They were sitting on Tangga Timur.
Raka opened his water bottle.
“So?”
“You showed up at two.”
“Coincidence.”
“You brought her favorite lemper.”
“It’s for everyone.”
Sena reached for one.
Raka immediately slapped his hand away.
“Not yet.”
Sena looked at the container.
Then at Raka.
“For everyone?”
“Yeah.”
“Then why can’t I have one?”
“It’s not open yet.”
“I can open it.”
“Don’t.”
Sena grinned.
“For Lara.”
Raka snorted.
“Shut up.”
Sena took one anyway.
This time, Raka let him.
“If it’s good, I’m taking five.”
“I’ll throw you down the stairs.”
Sena laughed.
Then footsteps sounded from the hallway.
Raka turned reflexively.
Lara.
Sena immediately looked at Raka.
Raka pretended not to notice.
“Hey,” Lara said.
She came closer.
“What are you guys doing?”
“Waiting for fate,” Sena replied.
“I’m waiting for Kevar,” Raka said quickly.
Sena chewed on his lemper.
Lara looked at the container beside Raka.
“That’s…”
“My mom’s lemper.”
Lara’s expression changed instantly.
“The one from before?”
“Hmm.”
“Are there still some left?”
Raka pushed the container toward her.
“Take one.”
Lara sat one step below them.
She took one.
Sena watched with an obnoxious expression.
Lara unwrapped it.
Took a bite.
Her eyes lit up.
“This is so good.”
Raka smiled without realizing it.
“Don’t be dramatic.”
“I’m serious.”
“Have another.”
Lara looked at the container.
“Can I?”
“It’s for you too.”
Sena immediately started coughing.
Raka shot him a sharp look.
Sena raised both hands.
“Choked.”
Lara took another one.
“Tell your aunt thanks.”
“Tell her yourself sometime.”
The words came out naturally.
Lara paused.
“Sometime?”
Raka only then realized how that sounded.
“When you come over again.”
“Oh.”
A small smile appeared on Lara’s face.
Sena looked back and forth between them.
Like he was watching two people too stupid to realize something.
Then Lara’s phone vibrated.
She looked at the screen.
Her smile changed.
“I have to go.”
Raka knew without asking.
He asked anyway.
“Darel?”
Lara put her phone in her bag.
“Yeah.”
Sena immediately stood.
“I’m going upstairs.”
Raka looked at him.
“What for?”
“To find Kevar.”
“Kevar isn’t upstairs.”
“He is now.”
Sena left before anyone could stop him.
Traitor.
That left Raka and Lara alone.
Lara stood.
Raka stayed seated.
“Where are you going?”
“Out.”
“Where?”
Lara looked at him.
“Why?”
“I’m curious.”
“Didn’t you say it wasn’t your business?”
That line again.
Raka sighed.
“Can you stop using that line?”
“Why? You’re the one who said it.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“So?”
Raka stood.
Now they were facing each other.
“I’m just asking.”
“And I’m just going out with Darel.”
“Just the two of you?”
Lara let out a short laugh.
“Yeah.”
Raka nodded.
“You two go out a lot these days.”
Lara frowned.
“What?”
“Going out alone together.”
“I’m getting to know him.”
“Does it have to be every day?”
Lara’s expression changed immediately.
“Raka.”
“What?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“You’ve been like this since yesterday whenever Darel comes up.”
Raka fell silent.
Lara stared at him.
“You don’t like me getting close to him?”
There it was.
A direct question.
No screen.
No delete button.
Nowhere to hide.
Raka opened his mouth.
“Yeah.”
Lara froze.
Raka himself was stunned that he’d managed to say it.
“Why?” Lara asked softly.
Raka’s heart began beating faster.
Because I like you.
The words had already reached the tip of his tongue.
“Because…”
Lara’s phone vibrated again.
Darel’s name flashed briefly on the screen.
Raka saw it.
The courage that had appeared moments earlier suddenly turned into something worse.
Fear of being too late.
Fear of losing.
Fear that Lara had already chosen.
“Because I don’t trust him.”
Lara’s expression changed.
“What don’t you trust?”
“Well… him.”
“You know Darel.”
“Knowing someone doesn’t mean—”
“He’s your friend too.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you suddenly saying you don’t trust him?”
Raka had no answer.
Because that wasn’t the real reason.
Lara stared at him for a long time.
Then she gave a small, humorless laugh.
“You’re weird.”
She turned around.
Raka instinctively grabbed her arm.
“Lar.”
Lara stopped.
She looked at Raka’s hand.
Raka immediately let go.
“Sorry.”
Lara sighed.
“I’m leaving.”
“Lara.”
“What now?”
“Don’t come home too late.”
That was a mistake.
Raka knew it the moment the words left his mouth.
Lara looked at him.
“Why?”
“You have class tomorrow.”
“At eleven.”
“Yeah, still.”
“Raka.”
Lara’s voice was growing sharper.
“I can take care of myself.”
“I’m just—”
“You’re just what?”
Raka said nothing.
Lara glared at him.
“You’re the one who told me to give Darel a chance.”
“I know.”
“Now that I’m giving him a chance, you’re acting like this.”
“I didn’t tell you to spend every day with him.”
“Then what am I supposed to do?”
Raka didn’t answer.
Lara continued, “Wait for your permission every time I want to go somewhere?”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“I’m worried.”
“There it is.”
Raka fell silent.
Lara shook her head.
“But I don’t need you controlling me.”
“I’m not controlling you.”
“What have you been doing, then?”
“I’m just saying—”
“Don’t go out so often. Don’t come home late. Don’t do this. Don’t do that.”
Lara’s voice began to tremble.
“If you’re really just my friend, don’t act like I belong to you.”
The words hit their mark.
Raka fell silent.
So did Lara.
Tangga Timur suddenly felt too quiet.
Raka looked at her.
“I never said you belonged to me.”
“Your behavior says otherwise.”
“Because I care.”
“My other friends care too. They don’t act like you.”
Raka swallowed.
“So what’s wrong with me caring more?”
Lara went quiet.
For a moment, the anger disappeared from her face.
Something much more fragile took its place.
“Because I’ll get the wrong idea.”
Her voice was so soft.
Raka almost wasn’t sure he’d heard her.
“What?”
Lara looked away.
“Nothing.”
“What did you say?”
“I’m late.”
“Lara.”
“Darel’s already waiting.”
She walked down the stairs.
Raka remained where he was.
“Lar.”
Lara didn’t turn around.
A few seconds later, she disappeared at the end of the corridor.
Raka closed his eyes.
His hands clenched.
He had almost said everything.
Again.
Darel didn’t immediately ask Lara to leave.
The moment he saw her face at the gate, he asked instead,
“Do you want to sit for a while first?”
Lara shook her head.
“Let’s just go.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
They ended up going downtown.
The original plan was to buy a few things for the event and then eat.
But Lara was quiet for most of the trip.
Darel didn’t pressure her.
It wasn’t until they were sitting in a small café that he asked,
“You and Raka have a fight?”
Lara gave a hollow laugh.
“Why does everyone know?”
“Because you left campus looking like you were about to cry.”
“I wasn’t crying.”
“I said you looked like it.”
Lara stirred her drink.
Darel waited.
Finally, Lara said, “He’s weird.”
“Weird how?”
“He said I could give you a chance.”
Darel nodded.
“And?”
“Once I did, he got mad.”
“He said he was mad?”
“No.”
“Said he was jealous?”
“No.”
“Said he liked you?”
Lara stopped stirring.
“No.”
Darel leaned back.
“Then the problem isn’t you.”
Lara looked at him.
“Then?”
“Him.”
Lara fell silent.
Darel smiled faintly.
“I might be the least objective person to talk about this.”
“Why?”
“Because I like you.”
Once again.
Clearly.
Lara still wasn’t used to hearing him say it so easily.
“But,” Darel continued, “I don’t want the chance you’re giving me to be just because you’re mad at Raka.”
Lara immediately shook her head.
“It’s not.”
“You sure?”
Mirea’s question.
Now Darel’s.
Lara was starting to hate that question.
“I want to get to know you.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
Darel looked at her.
“But I also don’t want to pretend I can’t see that your heart is still with someone else.”
Lara didn’t answer.
Darel picked up his drink.
“I’m not in a hurry.”
“Rel…”
“Hmm?”
“How can you be this relaxed?”
Darel chuckled.
“I’m not relaxed.”
“You look it.”
“I just can’t force someone to like me back.”
The sentence was simple.
Mature.
And for some reason, it only made Lara feel guiltier.
Sena found Raka still on Tangga Timur nearly half an hour later.
The container of lemper sat beside him.
Half empty.
“Kevar isn’t there.”
Raka didn’t look at him.
“I know.”
Sena sat down.
“Did you fight?”
“Is it that obvious?”
“Lara left looking like she wanted to kill someone.”
Raka rubbed his face.
“I made her mad.”
“What did you do?”
“I told her not to go out with Darel so often.”
Sena went silent.
Raka turned to him.
“What?”
“You said that?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“She said I had no right to control her.”
Sena nodded.
“She’s right.”
“I know.”
“Then did you tell her you liked her?”
Raka was silent.
Sena closed his eyes.
“Oh my God.”
“I almost did.”
“How many times in your life are you going to ‘almost’ do it?”
Raka stared at the floor.
Sena continued, “You can’t ask her to act like your girlfriend while refusing to give her any kind of status.”
“I’m not asking her to.”
“You get jealous when she’s with Darel.”
Raka said nothing.
“You get mad when she goes home with Darel.”
Still nothing.
“You want her to always be there for you.”
Raka clenched his fists.
“But every time she gives you a chance to be honest, you back away.”
Raka looked at Sena.
“I’m scared.”
Finally.
Those two words came out.
Sena didn’t make fun of him.
“Scared of what?”
“That if I tell her and she doesn’t feel the same way.”
“And then?”
“Everything will change.”
Sena sighed.
“Rak.”
“Hmm?”
“Everything’s already changed.”
Raka fell silent.
“The difference is, now it’s changing without you ever saying anything.”
Those words stayed in Raka’s head long after Sena stopped talking.
21:36
Lara came home early.
There was no event going late into the night.
There was no reason for Raka to worry.
Even so, there was still no message from him.
Lara sat on the balcony of Paviliun Aster.
Mirea came out carrying two cups.
She handed one to Lara.
“Tea.”
“Thanks.”
Mirea sat down.
“Darel?”
“He drove me home.”
“How was it?”
“Fine.”
“Raka?”
Lara looked at her tea.
“We fought.”
“Bad?”
“I don’t know.”
Lara told her everything.
About Tangga Timur.
About Raka not liking how close she was getting to Darel.
About all his little restrictions.
About the words she had finally thrown at him.
If you’re really just my friend, don’t act like I belong to you.
Mirea listened.
When Lara finished, she only asked,
“So what did Raka say?”
“Nothing.”
“Of course.”
Lara gave a hollow laugh.
“I’m tired, Mir.”
Mirea turned to her.
“Tired of guessing.”
Lara’s voice grew quieter.
“Sometimes he makes me believe.”
“Believe what?”
“That maybe he…”
Lara didn’t finish.
Mirea didn’t need to ask.
“Then the next day he makes me feel stupid for ever thinking that.”
Lara looked at the street from the balcony.
“If he’s jealous, why doesn’t he say so?”
Mirea was silent.
“If he likes me, why doesn’t he say so?”
Still silent.
“If he doesn’t like me…”
Lara swallowed.
“…why can’t he just act normal?”
Mirea held her cup with both hands.
“Maybe he’s scared.”
“I’m scared too.”
“Exactly.”
Lara turned to her.
Mirea smiled faintly.
“That’s the problem with you two.”
Two people afraid.
Two people waiting.
And time kept moving.
22:48
Raka finally gave up.
He opened Lara’s chat.
Typed:
Raka: Are you home?
Two check marks.
Blue.
Lara: Yeah.
Raka: What time did you get back?
A long pause.
Lara: Nine.
Raka typed:
Thank goodness.
He stopped.
That sentence might annoy Lara again.
He deleted it.
Raka: Oh.
Lara read it.
No reply.
Raka took a breath.
Sena was right.
If he kept going like this, everything would only get worse.
He typed:
Raka: About earlier, sorry.
The reply didn’t come immediately.
Lara: Fine.
Raka: I didn’t mean to control you.
Lara: But you did.
Raka stared at the screen.
Raka: Yeah. I was wrong.
This time, Lara stayed silent for quite a while.
Lara: Why, Rak?
Raka:
Raka: Why what?
Lara: Why don’t you like me getting close to Darel?
The same question.
Once again.
Raka stared at it.
There was no reason to run.
He’d already promised himself.
Today.
It had to be today.
Raka started typing.
Because I’m jealous.
He didn’t delete it.
Keep going.
Because I like you.
His hands trembled.
Keep going.
It’s been a long time. I’m just too much of a coward to say it.
Raka read it all.
His heart felt like it was trying to break out of his chest.
His thumb moved toward the send button.
Then—
his phone vibrated.
A new message from Lara came in before Raka could send his.
Lara: If you can’t answer, it’s okay.
Then:
Lara: But from now on, don’t act like this anymore, okay?
Raka froze.
The next message.
Lara: I’m seriously trying to give Darel a chance.
The world suddenly became too quiet.
Raka stared at the words.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
I’m seriously trying to give Darel a chance.
The confession he’d typed was still sitting in the message box.
Because I’m jealous. Because I like you. It’s been a long time. I’m just too much of a coward to say it.
Now it felt too late.
Raka closed his eyes.
Then he did the thing he was best at.
Deleting.
One word.
One sentence.
One confession.
Until the message box was empty again.
He finally replied:
Raka: Okay.
Lara read it.
No reply.
Raka added:
Raka: I understand.
Send.
Then:
Raka: Sorry.
Three messages.
Three lies.
Because he wasn’t okay.
He didn’t really understand.
And what he regretted most wasn’t the way he had acted that afternoon.
It was every opportunity before today that he had let pass.
At Paviliun Aster, Lara stared at the word Okay.
She should’ve felt relieved.
Raka finally understood the boundaries.
There would be no more ambiguous attention.
No more nameless jealousy.
No more reason for Lara to hope.
That was what she should’ve wanted.
And yet her chest felt empty instead.
Lara typed:
That’s it?
Delete.
You really don’t mind?
Delete.
Why was it so easy for you to say okay?
Delete.
She locked the screen.
Mirea had already gone into her room.
Lara was alone on the balcony.
A light rain began to fall.
Her phone vibrated.
Raka.
For a moment, a foolish hope appeared.
Maybe Raka would say something.
Lara opened the chat.
Raka: Good night, Lar.
That was all.
Lara stared at the screen for a long time.
Then she replied:
Lara: Good night.
There was no phone call that night.
No conversation until they fell asleep.
No random messages.
For the first time in months, they both went to sleep without hearing from each other.
And something small began to change.
Not because they stopped caring.
But because they cared too much and didn’t know what to do with those feelings.
Raka chose to step back because he thought Lara had chosen someone else.
Lara chose to move forward with Darel because she thought Raka would never choose her.
Neither of them truly got what they wanted.
But they were both beginning to learn how to live with the decisions they had made themselves.
Or at least, they were trying.
00:31
Raka still wasn’t asleep.
Once again, he opened Lara’s chat.
Their conversation had ended with two sentences.
Raka: Good night, Lar.
Lara: Good night.
Raka tapped the message box.
Typed:
Actually, I lied earlier.
He stopped.
I don’t understand. I don’t want to understand either.
He stopped again.
Then:
I like you.
Three words.
It was finally that simple.
Raka stared at them.
One touch and everything would be over.
But Lara’s message appeared in his mind again.
I’m seriously trying to give Darel a chance.
Raka exhaled.
He deleted the three words.
He set his phone beside his pillow.
The screen went dark.
The room went dark again.
Raka didn’t know that only a few kilometers away, Lara was also opening the same chat.
Typing something.
If you’d told me not to from the start, maybe I never would’ve given him a chance.
Lara read the sentence.
Her eyes burned.
Then she deleted it.
No message was sent that night.
Only two empty chat boxes.
And two people who, without knowing it, had just deleted the answer to the question they had both been waiting for all along.