There was no one else here. Just him and me. We sat in silence together for who knows how long. There were no clocks here. Every so often, the chirping of crickets and cicadas interrupted our silence.
I held the cup of warm water he had offered me a while ago. My eyes watched the sky grow darker. There were no stars. Only half a moon, slightly faded behind the clouds. The man sat beside me, doing the same.
“I still remember it, a year ago, when I came to visit. Even though you were busy, you always made time to see me. At dawn, at dusk, even when everyone else had fallen asleep. Even if it wasn’t often, you still made time to let me know how you were,” he said softly.
He turned his gaze toward me and stared intently. Our eyes met. For quite a while. “What happened to you that you broke your promise, hmm?”
“Bro… I…” My lips went numb, unsure where to begin.
Look at him. His eyes were full of questions, yet I couldn’t find a trace of anger in them. Only a glimmer of sadness and worry accompanied him. Of course he was disappointed. Just as I was disappointed in myself.
My breathing felt heavy, as though a massive stone were lodged in my chest. My jaw tightened as I clenched my fingers, turning all my fingernails white. I couldn’t bear to keep looking at him.
“I’m not going to ask anymore,” he suddenly said.
He looked at me with quiet resolve. There was a faint trace of moisture at the corners of his eyes. His lips curved into a smile. So sincere. His expression remained serene as always. Oh, something seemed to be pinching my heart. It hurt so badly!
“You don’t have to force yourself to explain anything, Ana.”
He drew a deep breath, then let it out slowly. It seemed there was a massive stone weighing down his chest too. His voice sounded heavy and hoarse.
“It’s just that my time is limited too, Ana. You still remember that, don’t you? If you’re reluctant to spend time with me, I can’t force you.”
I lowered my head, not daring to say a word. In my heart, I answered his question with a yes.
“Still, if you ever want to come back, you know where to find me. I’m not going anywhere,” he continued. “Take all the time you need, Ana!” “One thing you have to remember. I miss you, Ana.”
Since that night, he hadn’t come to see me, though I still often caught glimpses of his face around the house. Sometimes our eyes met, and he would simply give me a smile without saying hello. I did the same, though sometimes I secretly stole glances at him. For quite a while. Long enough to soothe this seemingly delusional longing.
To be honest, I wanted to go back. To see him again with confidence, feeling worthy of him. But how could I make things right? I didn’t want to drag out my excuses either.
All this time, I had wondered why this heartbeat felt so ordinary for someone who claimed to be longing for another person. If I stayed away for a little while, would a true longing finally come? Instead, I became trapped by my own question. I had gone too far, until I felt unworthy even of simply missing him.
“I have to go back.” My heart pounded as I said it.
My hand pulled out a random sheet of paper from the stack on the table. Then I picked up a pen and began writing a short message. I was going to send it to him.
“Bro, it’s so chaotic here. I’ve lost my rhythm over and over again. I’ve lost my sense of direction. I tried to remember the map you once gave me. But I still got it wrong, Bro. And I was defeated by that endless exhaustion. I lost because I chose to give up. But, Bro, today I want to come back. Can you guide me home?”
... (To be continued)