Chapter 8 - The Missing Trail
Saka POV
The first day of my third semester. The first day on campus without Arjuna. All my friends smiled, hugged me, patted my back, and offered their condolences in person. I didn't feel I had the right to accept them. Most of them hadn't attended Arjuna's funeral because they were on vacation at home. Only representatives from the faculty and the outdoor enthusiasts' club had been there. I hadn't gone myself. I kept convincing myself that I couldn't go. My father needed me, and so did my mother and Sita. Our store had already reopened, and they were short-handed because my father was in the hospital. I couldn't go. But if I'd only asked my family for permission and told them the truth, they definitely would have told me to go. I just hadn't done it.
Aside from the seat to my right being empty, everything went on as usual. My friends were just quieter when they were around me, but otherwise they laughed like they always did. I wanted to laugh with them, but I didn't know what they were laughing about. They invited me to the cafeteria and walked with me when we changed classes, but I felt alone. The more often they tried to joke or chat with me, the more I felt like I was in the wrong place. I didn't want to stay in this class any longer. When it was time to change classes, I didn't head to my next one. I simply followed my feet away until I found myself looking at the arts faculty building.
During the break, I never contacted Saskia, and she hadn't contacted me either. It was like... I didn't know what to say, like... I knew that whatever I said wouldn't help much. Maybe it was the same as what I was feeling now. Maybe Saskia was the only one who knew what it felt like.
I'd never been here before. How stupid of me. Finding a college student in a building this big was bound to be difficult. I was searching for Saskia's name on my phone when I heard someone call out to me.
“Saka!”
I turned around. Winda. “Winda...” She came closer.
“How are you?” She was still as friendly as ever.
“You can see for yourself. How are you?”
“I’m good. What are you doing here?”
“I’m looking for Saskia. Do you know where she is?”
Winda’s face fell. “I heard about Arjuna and Saskia.”
I knew what had happened to Arjuna. “What happened to Saskia?”
Winda looked at me for a moment. “We should talk somewhere else. Come on...” She started walking ahead.
The garden on the east side of campus was the spot Winda chose to talk to me. It wasn't too crowded.
“What happened to Saskia? Where is she?” I asked impatiently after we sat down beside a garden bench. I deliberately shifted my body so we were facing each other more directly.
“She didn’t come to class today. I stopped by her boarding house yesterday. She should have been there, but her room was already occupied by someone else. Her landlady said Saskia no longer lived there. She’d already taken her things.”
I thought for a moment. “Maybe she moved to another boarding house.”
Winda shook her head. “I don’t know, Saka. Let’s hope that’s all it is. I couldn’t reach her phone during the break. Can you contact her?”
I shook my head, unwilling to tell her that I hadn’t contacted Saskia even once since Arjuna’s death.
“I also heard a rumor from one of our seniors who lived in the same boarding house as Saskia. Saskia hasn’t been doing well since Arjuna’s death.” Winda turned to me.
“Go on.”
She nodded. “When news of Arjuna’s death spread, Saskia was still at her boarding house. One of our senior classmates who lived there had assumed Kia had gone home to Palagan because her door was closed that day and she was never seen opening it afterward. But two days later...” She drew a long breath and let it out quickly before continuing. “Several people came to Saskia’s room. My senior saw them take Saskia away. The landlady said they were her family. They carried Saskia out. She looked unconscious, Saka...” Winda’s eyes fixed on me.
“What do you mean, unconscious? Had she passed out? Was Saskia sick?”
“No. According to my senior, Saskia’s eyes were open and she was conscious, but she seemed unaware of what was happening. She just stayed silent as they carried her to her family’s car. After that, no one knew anything else about Saskia.”
“Maybe she’s still sick, devastated by Arjuna’s death.”
“Of course she is. They were very close. Arjuna was Saskia’s life.” Winda sighed again. “Whenever the two of us went out, Saskia was always saying... Arjuna would like this... Arjuna must be sleeping right now... Arjuna this, Arjuna that. Now... Arjuna is gone. I didn’t know someone could love that deeply... at an age as young as ours.”
I imagined how confused Saskia must have been when she heard the news about Arjuna. She must not have just been sad—she must have been terrified. “To Saskia, Arjuna wasn’t just a boyfriend in the way most people see their partners.” Winda turned toward me. “Arjuna was one of the few people who understood Saskia. He wanted to understand her and made an effort to do so. They accepted each other. Once we find someone like that, it’s like we’ve found our own world.”
Winda nodded. We sat in silence for a while, each lost in our own thoughts, until I heard her give a small laugh.
“What’s funny?”
“You know, this is the moment when the two of us sit together and have a heart-to-heart.”
“Oh, yeah...? We’ve talked in the cafeteria before.” I turned to her, and Winda looked back at me.
“I used to like you, Saka. Did you know that?”
I didn’t dare guess where the conversation was going. “Used to? Not anymore?”
“You know what I mean. I used to like you because you were different from other guys. You weren’t ashamed to work, and you knew what your priorities were. But...”
“But...?”
“You were so... I don’t know, timid? Shy? Or maybe I wasn’t the only person who could make you brave enough to act.” Winda furrowed her brow, lightening the mood.
“Not really. Whether I’m embarrassed or not, I have to work, and... you’re right... I’m not brave.”
Winda nodded. We fell silent again until she suddenly stood up.
“All right, then. If I hear anything from Saskia, I’ll let you know. I hope she’s okay and comes back soon. I have to get back to class, Saka.”
“Yeah. Thanks, Winda.” Winda turned and started walking away, but I called her back. “Winda, thanks for your feelings... back then.” She waved her hand and continued walking away.
After Winda left, I remained sitting on the garden bench. My thoughts returned to Saskia. She must have been terrified at the time. I should have called her. But would she have answered? Wouldn’t she blame me for not protecting her Arjuna? What happened to Saskia? Didn’t she want to return to Sibaru because Arjuna was no longer here? Hadn’t Arjuna once told me that Saskia wanted to go to college here because he was here? Not one of Saskia’s high school friends attended college here. But would she really leave a degree she had worked so hard to begin? Was it that easy? Or was there something else? Maybe Saskia still needed time. Campus would remind her of Arjuna, just as it reminded me. Nothing was easy for her.