Chapter 9 - Behind the Shadows - Shadows
Saka POV
The seat to my right was still empty as usual, especially when I sat up front, where Arjuna and I usually sat. But outside of class, I wasn't always alone. I went to the cafeteria with Rio and our three other friends. I laughed much more often than I had when I was with Arjuna. We looked perfectly ordinary, like most other college students, but deep down, I felt lonely. It was only recently that I began to feel Arjuna's absence, making me wonder what his role in my life had really been. The more I laughed, the lonelier I felt. Maybe with Arjuna, I hadn't needed to try to laugh or pretend to be someone else. Maybe he could accept me as I was, just as he accepted Saskia.
Saskia. Winda and several friends from her department were going to visit her at home. Winda promised to let me know after seeing Saskia. They should have arrived back in Sibaru by this afternoon. Saskia hadn't been attending class for three weeks, and her leave had already been approved. What had happened to her?
Winda didn't call, but she sent me a video. I watched it over and over. Saskia didn't look sick in the video. She looked quiet as usual. The strange thing was that she showed no reaction or response to the people around her. I thought she could see them. She knew there were people around her, but she chose not to respond. Kia only looked at each person who came, then let them leave, moving away and sitting on a swing before staring blankly into space. I'd often seen her daydreaming before, but she would respond as soon as someone approached. Could losing Arjuna really have affected her mind that deeply?
“Her family is going to put her in the hospital for treatment. Visit her if you can, Saka.” Then she sent me an address in Palagan—Saskia's home address.
Go to Palagan and visit Saskia. Could I really do it? But I wanted to see her. If there was anyone in the world who understood what I was feeling right now, it was Saskia. Without waiting any longer, I booked a train ticket to Palagan. At least now I had some savings.
The sun was already blazing when I arrived in Palagan. It was a bustling provincial capital, completely different from my hometown. I hired a rideshare motorcycle after entering Saskia's address into the app. Her house turned out to be not far from the train station. When I arrived, a middle-aged man immediately welcomed me, telling me to come in and wait in the living room after I said I was Saskia's friend from Sibaru. The man went inside, then came back out. He seemed to be one of the workers there.
Saskia's house was fairly large, but it felt deserted. There were lots of large photographs on the walls. Because they were so big, I could see them clearly even while sitting on the living-room sofa. A married couple in their sixties and their two daughters, one of whom was Saskia as a teenager. The other daughter seemed to be her older sister. Saskia's father appeared to be an officer, a soldier in the army judging by his uniform. There were many pictures of him in uniform, with his wife or by himself. One of the photos seemed strange. It showed Saskia's father and mother with three daughters. I could recognize their faces. One was Saskia's older sister, whose face matched the other photographs, while the other two had the same build and similar faces, resembling Saskia. I couldn't even tell which one was Saskia. I was almost about to stand up to make sure when I heard footsteps approaching from inside.
“Saskia's friend?” Kia's father came out from the inner part of the house. His hair was already mostly gray, and neither his wrinkles nor his slow steps could hide the firmness in his voice.
“Yes, sir.” I bowed and held out my hand. He shook it.
“Have a seat. I'm her father. What's your name, son?”
“Saka, sir.” The atmosphere was incredibly awkward. I should have gone with Winda's group to pick Saskia up.
“By yourself? Are you a close friend of Kia's?”
“Yes, I'm alone. I couldn't join the group last week. I'm actually Arjuna's friend. We were in the same department.”
“Oh... Arjuna's friend.” Saskia's father nodded repeatedly. “Death really is unpredictable, isn't it? Someone so young....” We fell silent for a moment. A housekeeper brought me a drink. “Have some tea first, son.”
I nodded and drank the warm tea that had been served. Saskia's father asked about my trip to Palagan. After I finished my tea, he took me to the backyard to see Saskia. I left my bag in the living room and followed him.
“Saskia spends most of her time in the backyard,” he said as he walked ahead of me. “I don't know what's going through her mind. She doesn't even pay attention to her mother or sister anymore.”
Saskia's father pointed toward two people sitting on a swing. Saskia and her mother, I guessed. Her mother was carrying a plate of food and trying to feed her daughter, who stared into the distance without any expression. We continued walking toward them.
“Dear, someone came to visit Kia. He's Arjuna's friend.”
The woman he called dear stood up and gave me a weak smile. “By yourself?” she asked. I nodded, and then we shook hands. I introduced myself, just as I had when I met Kia's father. “This is how she is, son. Saskia doesn't want to interact with anyone. She can't even take care of herself anymore.”
I looked at her. Saskia seemed thinner than before. Her mother stepped aside to make room for me.
“Kia...” I called softly, but she didn't respond. Kia's parents looked as if they had already given up hope. I moved into her mother's place and sat in front of her. “Saskia...” I deliberately positioned my face directly in front of hers. Her pupils reacted, and the muscles in her face slowly began to move.
“Arjuna...” The single word that left her lips made me and Saskia's parents look at one another. “Arjuna... you came....” She smiled, weakly, but it was unmistakably an expression. I wasn't sure whether I should feel sad or happy, but in the end, I smiled too.
“Yes... I came.”
Saskia hugged me. I hugged her back while looking at her parents, who were exchanging glances. There was shock in their eyes—whether worry or hope, I couldn't tell. One thing was certain: they hadn't expected their daughter to mistake someone else for her dead lover. I pulled away from Saskia's embrace and gently squeezed her arm.
“Why don't you want to eat?”
Saskia shook her head. “I've been waiting for you.”
“I'm here now. Eat, okay....” She still shook her head. I turned to her mother. “Can I try to persuade Saskia to eat?” I asked as I reached for the plate her mother had been carrying all this time.
“Oh... yes, son.” Her mother handed me the plate.
I scooped up a spoonful of food and brought it to Saskia's mouth. “Eat, Kia....”
Saskia didn't react to the food. “Why did you take so long?” Her face grew gloomy again.
“I'm sorry I made you wait. I'm here now.” She nodded. I brought the spoon toward her mouth again, closer than before. “Now eat something first....”
This time, Saskia opened her mouth, and I slipped the food in before she could change her mind. I watched her chew, while her parents also seemed relieved.
“Come on, dear... let's leave them alone for now,” her father said, and her mother nodded. “We'll leave you two for a while, Saka.”
“All right, sir.”
After her parents left, I fed Saskia until all the food on her plate was gone. We didn't say a word. She only looked at me, trying not to blink, as if she were afraid I would disappear if she did. Once the plate was empty, I set it beside the swing.
“You need to eat regularly, Saskia, so you can get better soon and go back to college,” I said.
Saskia smiled and opened her mouth. “Is it beautiful? Up in the mountains? Do you have lots of pictures?”
Her question made me realize that Saskia still thought I was her Arjuna, who had perhaps just returned from Magelung. I wanted to tell her I was Saka, but I was afraid she would drift back into her daze and stop wanting me there. “It's beautiful. I wish you could see it in person.”
She smiled, wider this time. “Where are the pictures?” Her voice was cheerful. Someone else might not have realized Saskia was sick.
I took out my phone. I still had the photos I'd saved from the mountaintop. I showed them to Saskia.
“Wow... it's beautiful... I want to paint it.” She looked at me, then suddenly her smile faded. Her brows furrowed as if she were trying to remember something. Did she remember me? But only for a moment. Saskia smiled again. “I want to paint it, Juna.”
“Of course. Just a second.” There had to be a canvas somewhere in her house. I was about to stand when Saskia's hand stopped me. “Just a second. I'll find a canvas for you.” It took three seconds before Saskia finally released her grip on my arm.
From Saskia's mother, who apparently had been crying in the front room, I got a canvas and a complete set of painting supplies. I quickly set them up near the swing. I stayed with Saskia while she painted, occasionally turning on my phone screen so she could look at the picture from the mountain. Just like before, Saskia didn't talk much while painting, concentrating on her canvas. After I'd kept her company for more than two hours, she suddenly dropped her brush.
“Kia... what's wrong...?” I asked. She remained silent. I tried to talk to her again, but Saskia seemed to have lost her soul once more. I eased her body back against the swing.
I checked the time on my phone. It was almost evening. I had to go home. “I have to go back to Sibaru, Kia... is there anything you want to say before I leave?” She said nothing. I sighed and stroked her long, neatly kept hair. “Get well soon, Kia....” Hesitantly, I leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead. Saskia still didn't react.
I was reluctant to leave Saskia alone in the backyard. I coaxed her as I gently lifted her body, helping her stand, then guided her inside. Saskia's parents were still in the living room. Her mother immediately came over and supported Saskia.
“Sir... ma'am, I should get going. Saskia's painting is still outside.”
“Oh, yes, son. We'll take care of it later. Sit down first, son... you're not in too much of a hurry, are you? You're taking the evening train, right?”
“Yes, sir....” I followed Saskia's father back to the living room. My bag had been there the whole time, anyway. Saskia's mother led her inside.
“We're planning to have Saskia receive more intensive treatment. Until now, she has only been receiving outpatient care. Her mother couldn't bear the thought of leaving her in a hospital. But I think the time has come for Saskia to receive the best possible care.”
I nodded. Since I didn't offer any response, Saskia's father continued.
“I called the doctor who usually treats Saskia and told him what happened with you today, Saka. The doctor said it could be a sign of progress. Until now, Saskia has only responded to food and drinks, and even then, only when forced. I don't know why your presence can make her smile, especially since many of Saskia's friends have already visited her. She hasn't reacted as if she recognized any of them.”
In my mind, I added that Saskia didn't recognize me either. She only saw Arjuna inside me. “Maybe it's because I'm Arjuna's friend, sir.”
“Yes... that could be it. But whatever the reason, the doctor says it's a sign of hope. So if you have time, Saka, please visit Kia again.”
“Visit Saskia again?”
“Yes. Maybe not here, but at the hospital, if it wouldn't be too much trouble for you. Hopefully, it can help Saskia get better.”
Visit Saskia again... at the hospital. If I didn't visit her again, it would be like losing two friends. But... if I did visit her again... what would happen to the real me?
“Just think about it for now, son. Of course, we don't want to trouble you, especially since Sibaru and Palagan are so far apart,” Saskia's father added.
“All right, sir.”
I said a brief goodbye after giving Saskia's father my phone number. He would send me the address of the hospital where Saskia was being treated if I was able to visit her again.
The evening train took me back to Sibaru. The sight of houses sliding backward beyond the window kept me company as I decided whether I would visit Saskia again. On the journey home, I made up my mind to visit her again. I'd already lost Arjuna. I didn't want to lose Saskia too, even if Kia only saw me as Arjuna's replacement. At least we could remember the same person. At least I could keep Saskia company, and we could keep each other company and heal together.
That was what I thought eight months ago. Now, I'm not sure whether my visits to Saskia at the hospital, at most once every two weeks, could really be called helpful to her recovery. Saskia was indeed better than she had been at home. She no longer depended entirely on the nurses and could take care of herself. But her thoughts still revolved around Arjuna—around me. She was there only waiting for me to come. Other visitors and the medical staff who checked on and cared for her passed through her thoughts only briefly. Often, I found peace in Saskia's ignorance instead. Time seemed to stop for the two of us. There was no other space, only the two of us there, in that moment. Did that mean I was sick in the same way she was?